Death Whistles, Cursed Videos, Goth Vegans

The four best words you’ll hear all year: Screaming Aztec Death Whistle. Not a movie, but it could/should be, this is an actual handmade charcoal and ceramic wheeze pipe that emulates a woman screaming, though you don’t need a whistle for that.

Called “De Itzcoehua,” this mouth flute sells on Amazon™ for $34.95 and, when blown properly, reaches 125+ decibels. That’s akin to grooving to some soothing sandblasting, a Metallica concert or standing next to a pneumatic riveter, which also sounds like a Metallica concert.

From the sales pitch: “Terrifying instruments of religion and war were used by Ancient Aztecs to summon spirits and create horror and fear wherever they went. These whistles emit a scream that sounds like a woman being tortured in horrible agony.”

Suitable not just for Halloween, but whenever you’re in a traffic jam, Starbucks™ or a maternity ward, the Screaming Aztec Death Whistle is the must-own knick-knack for any season.

While you put your lips together and blow, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not make you scream like you were being tortured…

SADAKO DX / October 28, 2022 (VOD)

“People who watch a cursed video suddenly die. These deaths take place all over Japan. Ayaka Ichijo is an extremely smart graduate student with an IQ of 200. Her younger sister happens to watch the cursed video for fun. Ayaka tries to reveal the mystery of the video.”

Um, isn’t this the same plot as Ringu (1998), Spiral (1998) and Ringu 2 (1999)? Maybe it’s the same film, but the actors are wearing different clothes.

EATING MISS CAMPBELL / October 31, 2022 (VOD)

“A vegan-goth high school student falls in love with her new English teacher and develops a problematic taste for human flesh.”

Whatever it takes to get a passing grade, although being both vegan AND goth is a better horror movie idea.

SUPER Z / October 31, 2022 (VOD)

“The adventures of a family of genetically modified super-zombies.”

They all eat dinner together. And hey — no dishes to wash afterward!

THE CONCLAVE OF SHADOWS / October 31, 2022 (VOD)

” The end of the world begins today and here.”

That doesn’t go very far in telling us what this is about. Bad business model if the end of world begins today, right when you’re putting the movie out. This is also being called, El Cónclave de Las Sombras. I have no idea what that translates to.

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