Candlelight Horror, Bowel Creatures, Ghost Kid

What does Liquid Death™ (canned mountain water with a misleading name), Halloween (Christmas for Pagans) and DYI homemaking diva Martha Stewart (she makes killer cookies) have in common? Five words: “The Dismembered Moments Luxury Candle.”

Yep, The Martha has teamed up with Liquid Death™ to produce a collectible Halloween candle: a severed hand holding a can of Liquid Death™. From the press release: “This is considered her most R-rated collab to date; Martha brings death to plastic and ‘lends a hand’ in promoting sustainability and natural flavors.”

Lend a hand. That’s mildly amusing. From The Martha’s website: “Packaged in a beautifully-designed eco-friendly gift box, the all-black, paraffin-based, unscented candle depicts a life-size severed hand gripping a Liquid Death™ can, decorated with a bold red wick. It measures 7″ tall, 26.6 oz with a 60 hour burn time. And the ‘Dismembered Moments’ candle is now available for purchase exclusively on Martha.com for $58.00.”

A $58 dollar candle promoting a company that should be making energy beer instead of water (including three non-alcoholic flavors: “Mango Chainsaw,” “Severed Lime,” “Berry It Alive”). I need time to process this.

So while you’re quenching your thirst with water that comes in a can instead of a public swimming pool, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be as scary as an R-rated Martha Stewart…

DEEP FEAR / October 11, 2022 (VOD/Screambox™)

“Three young, freshly graduated students decide to have a little fun visiting the catacombs. Little do they know their expedition will soon turn into a nightmare. Sonia and her friends Max and Henry will have to try and escape from a strange creature hiding in the bowels of the Earth, hoping to make it back to the surface, and out of Hell’s claws.”

Hell’s claws. Ouch. Who writes these soundbites? I’d say it was me, but admittedly that’s way better than I’m capable of coming up with. Better yet, watch The Descent (2005) for decent Earth-bowel’d creatures that don’t need cheesy soundbites.

DARK GLASSES / October 13, 2022 (Shudder™)

“A serial killer who preys on prostitutes sets his sights on Diana. As he pursues her, he causes a car crash, in which she is blinded and 10-year-old Chin’s entire family dies. Despite her blindness, Diane resolves to take the boy in. But the killer is still on the loose.”

Why are serial killers always so darn mean? They must be Republicans.

A SAVANNAH HAUNTING / October 28, 2022 (Select theaters/Digital platforms)

“A family moves to Savannah, GA to distance themselves from the brutal memories of their daughter’s death. Once in their new home, the mother slowly grows to believe she is being haunted by her dead daughter. They discover a more sinister force may be at work as ties to Savannah’s ruthless slave history and its long connection with voodoo are revealed, but it may be too late for their family to survive.”

Haunted by a dead daughter. Looks like you should’ve been less chintzy with the allowance. Clearly the paycheck-shorted dead daughter is back to scare the loose change out of you. 

BUNKER / Pending release 2023

“Trapped in a bunker during World War I, a group of soldiers are faced with an ungodly presence that slowly turns them against each other. As paranoia and fear grow between them, the men experience the true hell of war.”

I liked this better when it was called Deathwatch (2002).