Rebooted Puke, Stab-A-Thon, Cannibal Love

Universally regarded the scariest movie ever made, The Exorcist (1973) is being remade as a direct sequel to the original film and slated for an October 2023 release. If that doesn’t make you hurl split-pea soup, here’s even more bonus info: It’s intended to be the first of three new Exorcist films and the sixth installment of The Exorcist franchise overall.

Tying it together, Ellen Burstyn, who played the single mom of Regan MacNeil, her Devil-possessed daughter, returns after 50 years (she’s 90 years old now, but has the body of an 80 year old) to star in the as yet not fully titled Exorcist 2023. Linda Blair, who famously played the 12-year-old soup-puking daughter, is not appearing. Neither am I.

When the Devil got into Regan’s wheelhouse, he made her do stuff like spider-walk stairs upside-down, pee on the carpet as if it were legal, power barfing green gunk all over her jammies and a priest trying to get the party started, violently flopping around on her bed like she was doing “The Worm” dance, spin her head 360 degrees without getting dizzy and liquid laughing even more, “polishing” a crucifix (ahem), speaking in evil Latin, floating like a helium-possessed balloon, and swearing with language typically reserved for those stubbing their toe on a coffee table leg. In other words, acting like a typical 12-year-old.

Non-evil fun fact: In 2010, the Library of Congress selected the film to be preserved in its National Film Registry, citing it as “culturally, historically, or aesthetically significant.” I can think of a dozen adult films that could fit in that category, but that’s a different NSFW blog post.

While we order a case of Campbell’s Chunky Split Pea & Ham™ with Natural Smoke Flavor Soup, (Amazon Fresh™: Pack of 12 — $28.68…sweet!) in homage to The Exorcist, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you power barf… 

VESPER / Out now US / October 21, 2022 / United Kingdom

“After the collapse of Earth’s ecosystem, Vesper, a 13-year-old girl struggling to survive with her paralyzed father, meets a woman with a secret who will force her to use her wits, strengths and bio-hacking abilities to fight for the possibility of having a future.”

With the Earth’s eco-system in the unfertilized toilet, it’s clear what’s needed: Soylent Green made from human beans. 

HALLOWEEN ENDS / October 14, 2022 (Theaters/Peacock™)

“Four years after the events of Halloween Kills (2021), Laurie is living with her granddaughter and is finishing writing her memoir. Michael Myers hasn’t been seen since. Laurie, after allowing the specter of Michael to determine and drive her reality for decades, has decided to liberate herself from fear and rage and embrace life. But when a young man is accused of killing a boy he was babysitting, it ignites a cascade of violence and terror that will force Laurie to finally confront the evil she can’t control, once and for all.”

The first Halloween movie came out 44 years ago. Counting Halloween Ends, there’s nine sequels, one that had nothing to do with the series (Halloween III: Season of the Witch/1982), and two remakes (Rob Zombie did ‘em). I don’t doubt there’s a Michael Myers body count stat, but as the unstoppable/unkillable star of Halloween, he’s had quite a successful career thinning the herd. So will Michael finally die in Halloween Ends? Not as long as we keep paying to see more Halloween movies.

HEX / November 1, 2022 (DVD/VOD)

“Sarah witnesses a mysterious disappearance while on a skydive. The remaining team of skydivers are haunted and left fighting for their lives. As they search for answers, they find that things are not as they seem.”

A “mysterious disappearance” while skydiving. Either that person got stuck in a cloud or forgot to pull the rip cord. (Look for a red stain about the size of you.) 

BONES AND ALL / November 23, 2022 (Theaters)

“Two outsiders embark on a 1,000-mile odyssey through Ronald Reagan’s America. When they discover they cannot outrun their terrifying pasts the pair take a final stand to determine whether their love can survive their otherness. An achingly tender and thoughtful coming-of-age romance between a pair of cannibals with an insatiable need to devour flesh.”

While an insatiable need to devour flesh applies to both cannibals and zombies, cannibals are capable of being romantic (example: candlelight buttsteak dinner); zombies will bite your mouth off if you try and smooch ’em. That’s the total opposite of romance.

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