Killer Beer, Fat Shaming Horror, Pond Monster

Chucky: A Killer Wit Beer™, a limited brew based on Chucky, the skull/wise-cracking serial killer doll made icon status in Child’s Play (1988), is now available for quaffing purposes.

From the press release: “Just like the devious doll it’s inspired by, this pumpkin witbier with cranberry will be your friend ’til the very end. Saturated with blood-red cranberry juice and entangled with pumpkin mangled into a puree, the beer is light in color with spine-chilling flavors of chamomile and cinnamon – the perfect combination of everything you love about the season.”

“Chucky: A Killer Wit Beer is a limited release and collaborative beer between Elysian™, USA Network™ and SYFY™, brewed in celebration of all things Halloween, horror and Season 2 of Chucky, a continuation of the iconic film franchise chronicling the murderous escapades of the notorious killer doll.”

Beer that tastes like pumpkin, cranberry, chamomile and cinnamon? Shouldn’t this be sold at a Nordstrom™ perfume and deodorant kiosk? While you contemplate sucking down a case or two or making scented candles out of it, here are a few horror movies that may or may not be an affront to your palate…   

NIX / September 27, 2022 (VOD)

While Jack Coyle struggles to keep his shattered family together, a strange and powerful entity reveals itself again, opening the wounds for another tragedy to occur. As Jack deals with the consequences, he also must protect his young niece from this frightening creature, which threatens to destroy everyone.

They really need to put more effort into naming powerful entities/frightening creatures. “Nix” sounds like a stain-remover. But if they’re stuck with that moniker, how about a modifier, like Metaverse Nix, Ranch-Flavored Nix or simply, Nix Extreme?   

V/H/S/99 / October 20, 2022 / Shudder™ 

“A thirsty teenager’s home video leads to a series of horrifying revelations.”

Um, what exactly is a “thirsty teenager”? Thirsty for what? Certainly not Smart Water™ as no amount of A.I. added to expensive tap water could do anything to improve any teen’s cognitive abilities. What’s left — Fanta Piña Colada™? Pibb Xtra™? Coca-Cola Cinnamon™? (Actually, while it’s seriously unhealthy for you, Coca-Cola Cinnamon™ ain’t half bad, which is why I only drank half the case I bought on Amazon.com. Saving the other half for tomorrow.) 

As for the movie, all I know is that it’s part of the VHS horror franchise (V/H/S (2012), V/H/S 2 (2013), V/H/S Viral (2014), SiREN (2016), V/H/S 94 (2021). I guess that could make you thirsty for more.

PIGGY / October 14, 2022 (VOD)

“Sara is a teenager in a rural Spanish village who is constantly tormented by ‘the popular girls’, including her former best friend, because of her body type. One day at the local pool she witnesses her bullies violently kidnapped by a mysterious stranger. Sara, who normally feels unable to express herself to both her family and neighbors, suddenly faces a moral dilemma as she must decide between saving her tormentors from a bloody end or giving into the desire for revenge.”

Revenge. The answer is ALWAYS revenge. 

CURSE OF CROM: THE LEGEND OF HALLOWEEN / Release pending 2022/2023

“High school teenagers accidentally unleash an ancient Irish entity on their hometown and must stop it before midnight on Halloween.”

Spoiler: The Irish entity they speak of is the Lucky Charms™ Leprechaun. Or maybe that guy on all those Irish Spring™ soap commercials. Pure f’n evil.