Supermodel Science Experiment

Splice

Splice (2010) is a sci-fi horror film about bio-experiments gone wild that finally answers the question: “Do these genes make me look fat?” 

Clive and Elsa, two biochemists working for a profit-minded corporation, create a male and female life form that, when harvested, will produce a protein that’ll make animals juicier and tastier, thereby generating more sales. Naming the meatloaf/tongue couple “Fred & Ginger” (cute — they even had a Sid & Nancy, but no Batman & Robin), in order to take it to the next step, the young scientists want to splice this new animal DNA with human DNA to unlock the secret of diseases, like swollen butt and puffy elbow, thereby generating even more profits for the corporation. 

Splice

The answer is hell no, but Clive and Elsa forge ahead in private and give birth to a rat-legged human type creature with a butter top noggin. The woman names this new species “Dren” (N.E.R.D. spelled backward, the name of the company they work for), and dresses it up in little girl’s clothes and gives it teddy bears and dolls.

Splice

Prior to that, Clive wanted to gas the unholy thing, and even tried drowning it, which is the mandate of science. But this little cutie is growing at an exponential rate and is developing things like wings, a stinger tail, and boobies. She can communicate, but only speaks in a noise that sounds like a cross between a chipmunk and Flipper. This “flipmunk” noise gets screechy when she’s stressed, and purring when she makes out with you. Just like women in real life.

Splice

Getting Dren out of the lab and sequestered in a barn that Elsa became owner of after her cruel mother died, they try and keep her entertained. She’d rather eat live rabbits and take her clothes off. But Elsa’s mental state is doing a slow grind into that of her strict mother, acting overly “parental.” She even took a homeless cat away from her, just in case someone got hungry in the middle of the night. All the time Clive keeps screaming about how this is all wrong, but goes along with it anyway because he’s kind of a wuss, letting Elsa walk all over him.

Splice

Playing Eve to his Adam, she gets him to take a bite of the hothouse apple. He takes a big bite; There’s a rather uncomfortable scene where Clive and Dren become more than just friends. But he has one on the chick scientist, too — that human DNA didn’t come from a nameless donor. Ethics and “rules” become more distorted and Dren starts changing — and it’s not into something more comfortable.

Splice

Dren is eerily gorgeous, though I could do without the rat legs and four-fingered hand feet. The tail’s cool, and while she’s bald with a crease dividing her head into two equal parts (it doesn’t open the way a toaster oven door might), it’s Dren’s “at one with nature” exhibitionism that makes her the supermodel alternate life-form of the year.

Splice

If you’ve seen Xtro (1983), you know how this baby (sorry) ends. And you’ll pick up on elements spliced (sorry) from such “science inside-out” movies as Frankenstein (1931), Andy Warhol’s Frankenstein (1973, one part, anyway), and Species (1995), with a little E.T.: The Extraterrestrial (1982) thrown in.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: