Satanic Honor Student

Devil's Offspring

Devils Offspring (1999), or Gwai pin Wong ji joi yin hung bong, is a plodding, cliché-ridden Cantonese horror movie that enrolls Satan’s daughter in a private school dormitory for the summer with four other teens and a hot teacher.

Devil's Offspring

Connie (devil daughter) is gorgeous, but doesn’t do much other than compel those around her to commit suicide. Heck, she doesn’t even make spooky faces or stick out her black tongue. She did, however, poke one girl in the eye with a stick and then cut her head off, so that must’ve made her father proud.

Devil's Offspring

Connie’s arrival was prefaced by the refrigerator death of the school cook’s four year-old granddaughter. Later, the dead girl’s puppy, was made into gamey soup and fed to the students. (They should’ve served hot dogs instead. Heh.) One student, seemingly possessed by an unnatural force, walks into the bay and forgets to hold her breath. She later comes back with all of her non-waterproof ghost friends and sucks another classmate into the surf.

Devil's Offspring

Most of the movie has everyone running up and down the hallways under pale fluorescent lighting, designed to make you think something evil is about to go down. The “shock” moments are saved for the last 10 minutes, with headless basketball players shambling toward the living. Yep, so scary I made rice noodles in my pants.

Devil's Offspring

The sub-titled dialogue is amusing and does nothing to give any insight as to why the Devil’s daughter is there, why her name is Connie instead of Hellena, or why she doesn’t eat anyone’s brains. In fact, her hair doesn’t even get messed up. Seems to me if you come from Hades, then you at least need to look the part. Hardly convincing when you don’t even have glowing eyes or poop breath. 

And the teens she goes after have the dumbest names: Nokia, Clown, 123 (yes, they named somebody with numbers), so right there you know this class needs to be permanently dismissed. The hardest part about watching Devils Offspring, though, is staying awake.

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