Janes Bond

Samurai Chicks

A dancer’s academy on a Japanese island (I thought Japan was an island) recruits rhythm-inclined street kids for an elite group of teeny bop terrorist assassins. Their first assignment: steal a suitcase handcuffed to a suspicious guy.

Samurai Chicks

No problem for these four highly trained break-dancers. They intercept the car by throwing a fake boob that shoots icy-cold smoke out of the nipple. (Can’t tell you how many times that’s happened to me.)

Samurai Chicks

The little ladies easily dispatch the man’s bodyguards with a couple of roundhouse kicks to the sushi hole and then chop his arm off to get the suitcase. (They didn’t have the handcuff key, so…)

Samurai Chicks

A promising start to Samurai Chicks (2004) ponderous story about a freedom fighting underground movement to liberate themselves from a bunch of guys who don’t really reveal why they’re bad, they just are.

Samurai Chicks

The sci-fi girls get orders via message codes built into dance moves, which instruct them to kill. (Note to self: be careful when out hip-hopping as I might be giving someone the go-ahead to stab my neck with a shoe.)

Samurai Chicks

All told, very little blood, a ghost mom who dies when a bolt falls out of an army plane and bolts itself to her head, a flamethrower dude with a stuffed duck on his head, a few electro-shock therapy dudes and a dancing pink bunny. (Don’t ask.)

Samurai Chicks

You’d think with all these kick ass ingredients, Samurai Chicks (aka, Dokuritsu shôjo gurentai) would kick ass. But it just doesn’t.

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