Amityville Overdose, Slenderman Diet, Human Popsicles

The Amityville Horror: A True Story

Just when you think they couldn’t milk one more drop out of the Amityville Horror movie franchise cow, now word comes down the udder that 1974, a movie based on the true murders that happened in the infamous Amityville house, is going into production in September, 2017. This will be the 20th such Amytiville movie since 1979. That’s about 19 too many. (By comparison, the Friday the 13th series steps up to the empty plate with a mere 12 titles. In your hockey mask, Jason — ha!)

From the Internet: “On November 13, 1974, Ronald DeFeo, Jr. shot and killed six members of his family at 112 Ocean Avenue, a large Dutch Colonial house situated in a suburban neighborhood in Amityville, on the south shore of Long Island, NY. He was convicted of second-degree murder in November 1975. In December 1975, George and Kathy Lutz and their three children moved into the house. After 28 days, the Lutzes left the house, claiming to have been terrorized by paranormal phenomena while living there.”

This, of course, was the basis for the first movie. And a good one it was, providing neat jump moments, scary this and thats, a flying pig with glowing eyes (better than it sounds), and a bunch of flies forming a halo around a preachy preacher. (A nod to Alice Cooper on that one.)

So why do we need YET ANOTHER Amityville horror movie? Because apparently there’s a significant number of you out there that weren’t even born when the movie first came out. How is that even possible? Suggestion: If you know how to read, try the Jay Anson book (The Amityville Horror: A True Story/1979) of the horrific account first, though. Bonus: you won’t have to plug it in.

Speaking of things you won’t be able to swipe to the left, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not be worth the flick of the wrist…

Witch's Doll

WITCH’S DOLL (2017)
“Ambitious young true crime writer Adeline Gray travels to a remote English village to unravel the mystery behind a family’s murder. While investigating the prime suspect’s now derelict ‘Manor in the woods’, she notices a creepy life-size Victorian doll is following her from room-to-room. After a series of terrifying and inexplicable events, she believes the doll is carrying a hateful spirit wanting to be left alone. Desperate for a career defining story, Adeline’s persistent search for answers soon puts her too at the mercy of the Witch’s Doll.”

Yep, a complete and utter RIP-OFF of Annabelle, the evil doll from The Conjuring/Annabelle: Creation RIP-OFFS. And it should come as no surprise this comes from The Asylum, who have made a thriving career out of RIPPING OFF other people’s intellectual property. Feeling RIPPED OFF? You should.

Realive

REALIVE (October 3, 2017)
“Marc experiences a terrible shock when, at just 32, he is diagnosed with a disease and is given one year to live, at best. Unable to accept his death, he decides to freeze his body before the disease can impair it. Sixty years later, an institution called Prodigy Health Corporation manages to revive him. Although his return to life comes with many medical complications, his body clings to life. It’s the soul that is harder to heal.”

I’m soulless, so bringing me back from a frozen stasis to remove that pesky purple thing on my neck isn’t an argument. And the whole “human snow cone” thing should fall under my discount medical coverage. It better.

Slenderman

SLENDERMAN (Friday, May 18, 2018)
“A tall, thin horrifying figure with unnaturally long arms and a featureless face, is reputed to be responsible for the haunting and disappearance of countless children and teens.”

Getting rid of kids and teens? Gotta say — I’m already liking this man of slender. If this catches on, what do you bet they’ll come out with the Slenderman Diet program?

Tabbot's Traveling Carnivale of Terror

TABBOT’S TRAVELING CARNIVALE OF TERRORS (October 31 2018)
“This traveling carnival, a well-oiled machine of malignant deception moving into its third generation of grinding up choice guests and spitting them out, runs according to its own twisted family plan. Each Tabbott plays their part: Papa, the ringleader and ringmaster; Mama, the fat witch on her throne; the children: Bobbie, a seductively cunning fortune teller; Buck, the temperamental werewolf; Elijah, a silent scarecrow; and their darling Emma, the ghostly child you’d do well not to ignore.”

Sounds like they’re descendants of 1964’s 2000 Maniacs. In that gruesomely brutal (yet still kinda funny) one, people were lured into a small Deep South town for a Centennial celebration where the residents graphically killed them into picnic-sized portions. Had something to do with revenge, the Civil War and the people who just can’t seem to let the loss go.

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