Archive for April, 2017

Door-To-Door Slashers

Posted in Evil, Misc. Horror, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , on April 15, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Strangers

It hasn’t been a good night for James and his girlfriend Kristen. He proposed permanently hitching to her, she basically said hell no thanks, and all the clichéd romantic devices he set up at his parent’s house — rose petals on the bed, chilled champagne, candles, psycho killers outside — were all for nothing.

The Strangers

Well, not all for nothing. The psycho killers are hanging around to take the soured mood to a new level. In the end James and Kristen are tied up and… So much for the sequel.

The Strangers

This was based on a true story, though I doubt it. People just don’t break into houses, because it’s against the law. The movie also allegedly draws inspiration from the Manson murders, so it has that marketing going for it. What it doesn’t have is a plot or anything remotely consisting of dialogue. Other than the one line, the killers don’t speak or show their real faces (until the end). And all Kristen does is scream and cry. Same with James. (Wussy.) That’s the whole movie.

The Strangers

For a much better version of this generically-titled The Strangers (2008), watch The Last House on the Left (2009) remake, You’re Next (2011), or better still, The Collector (2009) That one will make the hairs on your couch warmer turn white — if they aren’t already.

Werewolves, Shadow People, Aquaman, Hippies

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 13, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Watcher

Pretty sure my mailman is a werewolf. I have no other proof other than I never see him at night, full moon or not. And his eyebrows seem a bit bushier than the acceptable norm. I should order silverware from Amazon.com™ and see if he’ll deliver it. My hunch is that it’ll goon him out.

Until I get the proof I need — AND I WILL — here’s some upcoming new horror/sci-fi movies to goon out over…

THE WATCHER (April 18, 2017)
“Unaware of its terrible history, a young couple purchases their dream home. But it soon becomes clear that they may not be alone in the house. And that someone — or something — is determined to drive them out.”

It’s Hippies. Hippies want them out so they can squat there rent-free and play their Grateful Dead records way too loud, pound on bongos for three days non-stop and stink up the joint because hippies are afraid of bathtubs. Easy way to get rid of hippies — introduce them to the glory of the washcloth.

Be Afraid

BE AFRAID (June 1, 2017)
“Not long after John Chambers and his family arrive at their new home in a small country town of Pennsylvania, John begins to experience sleep paralysis. Lying there paralyzed, trapped within his own nightmare, other-worldly beings visit John. They are entities which exist in the darkest shadows of the night and can only be seen out of the corner of one’s eye. These encounters begin to haunt John, transforming to complete terror as he discovers the entities’ sole purpose…the abduction of his seven year old son. In the end, John will uncover the town’s horrific secret, a portal on his land, and make one last attempt to save his son before the shadow people permanently take him away to their world.”

You don’t have to be a shadow person to have some fun with people who suffer from sleep paralysis. All you need is a magic marker, duct tape and a camera. Ask anyone whose ever came down with beer paralysis at a keggar.

Camera Obscura

CAMERA OBSCURA (June 9, 2017)
“A veteran war photographer with PTSD sees imminent deaths in his developed photos, questioning his already fragile sanity and putting the lives of those he loves in danger.”

This borrows heavily from a 1999 episode of The X-Files. It was called “Tithonus” and it had a guy who knew when you were about to die and took your picture at the point of death. That was back before smart phones with cameras built in, so he had to go home and develop the pics. Today you can snap “death selfies” and see the results instantly. Technology is pretty neat. P.S. Don’t hire this guy to photograph your wedding.

American Satan

AMERICAN SATAN (Summer, 2017)
“A group of young men hailing from the U.S. and England drop out of college and move to Hollywood’s infamous Sunset Strip to pursue their dreams of becoming a rock & roll sensation.”

Where’s the satan part? Is he one of the band members? If so, does he play guitar? And what kind of guitar is it? I bet it’s loud as…HELL. Heh.

Justic League

JUSTICE LEAGUE (November 11, 2017)
Yep, already wrote about this one, but this is a new poster. I have two questions — where’s Superman? Yeah, he croaked in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016), but just lay his Kryptonian corpse out in the sun for a while and he’ll be good as new. Not his costume, though. Big hole in the chest area. Not sure how you’d sew that up. Secondly, how can you tell if Aquaman wets his pants? I guess only clams know.

Devil Dolls, Witch Wedding Crashers, Sharks

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Sharks, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 11, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Heidi

Been toying with the idea to do a run-down of all the streaming horror/sci-fi movie chanels. Turns out there’s a lot, so that means work. I’ll probably call in sick so as to not work. Shudder™ tops the short list of good ones, but it can’t match YouTube™ for its unlicenced use of practically every horror movie ever made in broadcast quality ranging from beer goggles to bent antenna. Anyway, try Midnight Pulp, American Horrors and/or Frightpix (warning — if you don’t pay Frightpix’s admittedly cheap subscription, you’re gonna have to endure a commercial every two minutes.)

Speaking of wading in crap, here’s a few upcoming ones to consider stepping in…

HEIDI (Available now)
“After investigating a neighbor’s attic, two high school pranksters are increasingly plagued by a series of disturbing, supernatural events involving a creepy, vintage doll named Heidi. As she stalks them day and night, no one will take their claims seriously until it is too late.”

An odd trend in horror movies these days, using painted wooden dolls as the source of all which plagues non-painted/non-wooden citizens. It came back with the Puppetmaster series and got more mileage with Annabelle from The Conjuring franchise (the doll now has its own stand-alone film coming out in 2017). Its moderate success spread to horror lite flicks as The Boy (2016) and The Doll (2016) to rat out a few.

This is nothing new; possessed dolls go way back in time and have a long history of gooning out people who own them. The one that got to me as a kid was that messed up Zuni hunting fetish doll in Trilogy of Terror (aka, Terror of the Doll) back in 1975. Soiled my Underoos™, I did.

7 Witches

7 WITCHES (April 14, 2017)
“As their big day approaches Cate and Cody should be celebrating, they’ve got their family with them, and rented an island for the big day. Unbeknownst to them their wedding falls on the day when a 100 year old curse comes to fruition. Instead of celebrating they find themselves fighting for their lives as a coven of witches rise for revenge.”

Time to fire your wedding planner. Geez, of all the things to disrupt the happiest day of your life (for a few months, anyway), you’d think it’d be a drunk relative and not a flippin’ witch. Wonder what the witches will give the bride as a household wedding gift — a broom? Heh.

Sharknado

SHARKNADO 5 (August 6, 2017)
“With much of North America lying in ruins, the rest of the world braces for the inevitable — a global sharknado. Fin Shepard and his family must put a stop to this disaster before Earth is completely obliterated.”

Man, this joke has worn itself so thin, it should be shown on wax paper. The best — and worse — part of these Sharknado droppings are the C-list “celebrities” lining up with make cameos inside the shark’s mouth. I don’t know if I’ll be flattered or insulted if they ever get around to calling me.

Nails

NAILS (2017)
Dana Milgrom, a track coach who, having survived a near-death car accident, finds herself completely paralyzed and trapped inside her own body. While recovering she becomes convinced that an evil presence exists inside her hospital room and is intent on killing her. Believing her to be experiencing a mental breakdown, Dana’s family brush away her concerns. Becoming increasingly terrified, Dana soon realizes that she may not be the only target. Unable to leave her bed, she risks losing the ones she cares for most.”

If you’re seeing an evil presence in the hospital, it may be time to up the morphine drip. Then you won’t care who the entity goes after. High or not, it’d be really funny if the evil presence tripped over a full bed pan. Just thinking about it is making me LOL.

That ’80s Werewolf

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, TV Vixens, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 10, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Night Shadow

The 1989 werewolf movie Night Shadow has more problems than just its super lame name. In human form, the werewolf is a drifter who looks like he spent the night under a cactus along the desert highway he trolls for victims. And he never utters a single word though the entire movie and just glare stares at you until you’re hypnotized. Or bored. (Growls don’t count as words, they’re just one long syllable.)

Night Shadow

A big city news reporter gal comes back to her home town on vacation just as bodies and half-eaten parts are showing up like highway litter. Then there are three young guys who joke their way through the whole thing, all with bad mullets and mid-drift tank tops. (Those things were outdated the minute they went on sale.) The Asian member of the trio happens to be a martial arts expert (and motel fix-it dude) and Bruce Lees several bikers who are trying to have a romantic moment with a screaming biker chick in one of the rooms.

Night Shadow

What does this have to do with the werewolf? I’m still trying to figure that out. And speaking of, the woolly bully makes his first fully formed moment one hour and seven minutes into the 90 minute flick. When he makes with the fur, he looks like a sheep that needs to be sheared.

Night Shadow

The werewolf in human form has been staying at the roadside motel and stalking the big city girl, attempting to put her under his leash. (When he stares long enough, lightning bolts flash around his eyes. Wish I could do that. Then I’d be a millionaire or something.) He keeps maggot covered body parts snacks in the dresser where neatly folded clothes and/or local magazines go.

Night Shadow

The local sheriff, whose hot for the city chick (they almost smooched, for cryin’ out loud), ends up in a face off with the werewolf in an abandoned warehouse. The kung-fu kid, who was being blamed for all the maggot-y chew bones, comes to the aid of the sheriff, whose deep in the doghouse with this non-speaking wolf-man.

Night Shadow

Painful ‘80s hairstyles, day-glo clothing, Valley girl dialogue, and overly furry werewolf costume. Night Shadow is totally fer sure non-bombdigity.

Tasty Body Modifications

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 9, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Splatter: Naked Blood

In the super gory Splatter: Naked Blood (1995), three hot young Asian chicks offer their firmness up to science for an experiment that will be a boon to mankind — a drug that will make them not want to wear bras. OK, that’s not exactly it, but this Japanese movie is sub-titled and I can’t really read.

Splatter: Naked Blood

One chick is unable to sleep, another obsessed with food, the other addicted to clothes and beauty products. In other words, just average chicks. But the woman scientist’s 17-year-old son, a prodigy scientist, has secretly mixed his experimental drug in with his mom’s drug, and it’s unknowingly administered to the hotties. It’s a super endorphin that boosts the brain’s pain-killing chemical and makes everyone happy and not depressed. People, beer can do the same thing without needles or surgery gowns where your butt shows.

Splatter: Naked Blood

The drug’s effect happens almost innocently, with the food chick accidentally cutting her finger while preparing a succulent repast of tempura squid. Sucking the blood out of her wound, she starts to feel…aroused. Staring at a pot of boiling oil on her stove, she gets the idea to dip her hand into the tempura mixture and then deep-fry her hand. Tempura cooks quickly (about two to three minutes, or until golden brown) and she’s ready to take a bite.

Splatter: Naked Blood

Therein lies the movie’s genius plot: the endorphin chemical turns pain into sexual pleasure. (Now you know why we drink beer.) What began as a slow-moving flick about nothing suddenly turns down a dark road, with the food chick — fork and knife in hand and sitting on the dinner table half naked — starts cutting bite-sized morsels out of the area normally used for outgoing mail. Then she feasts upon said bite-sized morsels.

Splatter: Naked Blood

Seeing her reflection in the knife blade, she gets another idea: stab said eye with said fork and force it out with said knife. All of this, it should be noted, is done without the camera moving away and is brutally and realistically graphic. So much so, it’ll probably turn you off to eating your own eye.

Splatter: Naked Blood

And the scientist mom? Someone cut a portal so big in her gut as to allow her dead husband to crawl into. (Don’t ask — just watch.) The gore is magnificent and lives up to the movie’s title of splattering and being naked, so really, the plot is all but there to pass the time.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I got a hankerin’ for some elbow macaroni.

Nightmare Man Is A Nightmare, Man

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on April 8, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Nightmare Man

Nightmare Man (2006) is a patience-testing clichéd pile of movie droppings involving a big-boobed woman who believes a satanic nightmare monster creature man-thing is trying to feel her up. Spoiler: he is.

Nightmare Man

In a brilliant plot twist, the car taking her to an asylum by her husband runs out of gas out in the middle of nowhere. He gets out to walk/jog mildly 10 miles back to the nearest gas station, leaving her alone and screamy. Yawn if you’ve heard this before.

Nightmare Man

N-Man is in the trunk, chases her through the woods where she happens across a house with two teen couples partying. They take her in, only to become part of Nightmare Man’s plan, which is to kill everyone. The only shift in a very predictable direction comes when Ellen (the screamy big-boobed woman) turns out to be a succubus and makes hubby pay for his going AWOL (he had it planned all along). That she looks like a frat house Halloween costume is but sprinkles on a crap cake.

Nightmare Man

Yeah, Nightmare Man was intended as a dark comedy and some people liked it. I am not one of them. And I want my 90 minutes back, or the grocery coupon equivalent. But if the big-boobed woman would put ’em on the glass one more time, I’ll let it go.

Punk Ghosts, Bear Traps and Real Werewolves

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, UFOs, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 8, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Teenage Ghost Punk

Been making a few videos to post on my new YouTube™ Channel. Three are promo clips for this here blog thingie and one is about UFOs, which are REAL by the way. Click HERE and HERE and HERE and HERE to be dazzled by the visuals.

While I’m on the subject, here are some brand new and upcoming horror visuals to rub your eyes on…

TEENAGE GHOST PUNK (available now)
Life changes for a cheerleader named Amanda when her family moves to an old Victorian house outside Chicago. Weird things happen in the new house: knocking sounds, strange guitar riffs in the rain and unexplained messes. A quirky medium and a bumbling paranormal investigation team search for answers but are scared away an unseen force.”

Sounds like my apartment, except I’m not a ghost (yet). When I play my guitar, the neighbors like it so much, they pound on the wall to keep time with my music. I’d like my neighbors if I didn’t hate them so much.

Dark Signal

DARK SIGNAL (June 2, 2017)
Deep in the heart of the isolated Welsh valleys, an eerie hush spreads throughout the deserted wilds. On lookout for her boyfriend and left trembling in the middle of a secluded forest, she quickly realizes she is not alone. With her is the vengeful spirit of a murdered girl.

And this is why I don’t go wandering around Welsh valleys. I hear those things are loaded with vengeful spirits. (A ghost, not a bottle of mean booze, though that would make being lost less of a priority.)

Countrycide

COUNTRYCIDE (2017)
“A woman is lost, alone in the woods with a bear trap on her leg. It is a matter of survival as she must combat the elements, her pain and predators of both the two and four legged variety.”

Is this the same woman from the above paragraph? With a bear trap clamped on her leg, we probably won’t be seeing her any time soon on Dancing With The Stars.

Bonehill Road

BONEHILL ROAD (2017)
Bonehill Road is an homage to classic monster films like The Howling and An American Werewolf In London. In some ways, it is a throwback to the films we grew up with…the real horror movies that we all love so much, and in another way it is a modern horror flick that uses old school techniques, including Practical Monster Effects. NO CGI at all here. Our goal is to make an exciting, scary monster movie with some really cool werewolves.”

This is being crowd-funded as we speak. A few thoughts: Great title. Secondly, about flippin’ time we got a new werewolf movie. (The last good one I saw was Howl back in 2015.) And bonus points for making the werewolf real and not a sucky digital version. A computer-generated wolf-man is right up there with EDM on the suck scale.