Ghosts, The Future, Rib-Eye Steaks

A Ghost Story

Was eating a steak at my fav restaurant (JaK’s Grill) the other day (the “K” is supposed to be capitalized) and wondered between forking my face with savory chunks of rib-eye if Dracula ever ate a steak. Sure he’s eaten lots of stakes, but you’d think after hundreds of years of having those rammed into his gut hole, he’d wanna mix it up a bit. I suggest JaK’s top sirloin and work your way up to the 36 oz. Prime Delmonico (only $50 smackers). You have to wait a little longer to get it as it requires more cooking time, though. So if you’re Dracula or one of his minions, best not to order it before sunrise.

And yes, I do think about vampires when eating dinner. Helps take my mind off the bill. That said, here’s some potentially flavorful upcoming horror/sci-fi.

A GHOST STORY (July 17, 2017)
“In this singular exploration of legacy, love, loss, and the enormity of existence, a recently deceased, white-sheeted ghost returns to his suburban home to try and reconnect with his bereft wife.”

Dude, your widowed wife is gonna freak that you cut holes in her freshly laundered, lightweight cotton percale flat sheets. (Fitted sheets make for a very dumb looking poltergeist.) Try something else because you’re a ghost, dang it. Your forever job is to scare the sheet out of everybody.

Valerian

VALERIAN (July 21, 2017)
“In the 28th century, special operatives Valerian and Laureline maintain order throughout the universe for the government of the human territories. Under orders from their commander, the duo embark on a mission to Alpha, an intergalactic city where diverse species share their technology and resources for the betterment of all. The ever-expanding metropolis is also home to sinister forces that jeopardize the future of mankind.”

Yeesh — YET ANOTHER teen sci-fi movie. This one stars that chick with the uni-brow. Maybe future technology could fix that for her.

Escape From Cannibal Farm

ESCAPE FROM CANNIBAL FARM (2017)
“In the British countryside, the Harver family head out on an idyllic summer camping trip where they can bury past tensions and enjoy some family bonding. But when their camp is sabotaged by an unseen intruder in the night, they head to the nearby creepy old farm desperate for help, where vengeful farmer Hunt Hansen and his hideously deformed son aren’t farming animals. Caged and waiting for their limbs to be severed, cooked and eaten one at a time, the Harver family must overcome their differences and unite in order to escape alive.”

Gotta say, nifty title. It tells you everything you need to know going in. Curious as to why cannibal horror movies seem to arrive with, say, the regularity of breakfast, lunch and dinner. Of all horror’s sub-genres, you’d think people eating people wouldn’t be on the top of anyone’s menu. Guess the popularity of zombies have made cannibalism more mouth-watering. Okay, I’ll stop.

Tonight She Comes

TONIGHT SHE COMES (2017)
“After a girl goes missing, two of her friends and a mysterious set of strangers find themselves drawn to the cabin in the woods where she disappeared. They will laugh, they will drink, they will kiss, they will make love, and THEY MUST ALL DIE.”

Thanks, hack Hollywood press release writer — don’t need to see the movie now that you’ve just given it all away. Then again, we’ve all been watching this movie for decades. I should start watching same plot films like these with my eyes closed.

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