Evil, Evil, Evil and…Ghosts

Cut myself shaving the other day. Then I cut my peanut butter spreading hand while making a sandwich with a chef-grade butcher knife. Then I cut my back-up hand on what appeared to be diamond edged paper. Then I cut my elbow/neck/rib cage on some barbed wire. (Hey, it was in the dumpster — finder’s keepers.) I feel like I’m both the slasher and the slashee.

While I change my bandages, here’s some upcoming horror movies that are hopefully a cut above the rest. C’mon — that was a clever tie-in. Geez, tough crowd.

HOLY TERROR (April 1, 2017)
“Believing their deceased son isn’t at peace, Molly and Tom ask a medium to make contact. But after they invite a vengeful demon to cross over, the couple must enlist the help of a disgraced priest to attempt a dangerous exorcism.”

How come it’s always a disgraced priest who gets the call to clean-up on aisle four? If the Devil knows your secrets (which is why Satan never loses at poker), then you’re setting yourself up for a real embarrassing social situation.

A DARK SONG (April 28, 2017 / VOD / Limited)
“A determined young woman and a damaged occultist risk their lives and souls to perform a dangerous ritual that will grant them what they want.”

Isn’t that what a slot machine does? (I can’t tell you how many times I’ve risked my soul on the Mega Meltdown slot. What can I say — I’m a sucker for pictures of lava.

ANOTHER EVIL (2017)
“After encountering a ghost in their vacation home, Dan and his wife Mary consult an exorcist. Unsatisfied with the verdict, Dan goes behind his wife’s back to seek a second opinion, and secretly hires Os, who promises to get rid of the beings. Os and Dan spend a week together in the vacation home exorcising the “EFD” (Evil Fully Determined) beings, but Dan soon realizes that ridding the home of evil won’t be as simple as it seems.”

A ghost squatter. That’s a new one. Wonder if it’s a ghost of a hippie, who are known to squat in real estate that isn’t legally theirs? A little Iron Maiden (dealer’s choice) played at hippie melting levels should solve that problem real quick.

ESCAPE ROOM (2017)
“Four friends decide to partake in a popular escape room horror attraction, only to find themselves stuck inside with a demonically possessed killer. They only have one hour to solve the room and escape with their lives.”

Sounds like a cross between The Funhouse (1981) and any of the Saw movies. You might think I’m being a dick, but I hope they run out of time. That would make my sun shine.