Sunken Subs, Spaceships and Candy!

The Tribe

Is it just my imagination, or is the current state of politics/politicians not the greatest horror story going? Here’s some upcoming horror movies to make you feel good about politics…

THE TRIBE (February 10, 2017)
“Three young sisters live out their days after a pandemic has consumed most of the known world. One day a stranger suddenly shows up and their world changes in ways they never could have imagined.”

So a global pandemic isn’t something that changes your life forever, and yet a horny stranger with suspect hygiene does? Maybe he has candy. If that’s the case, I totally heart you, candy-bringing stranger!

The Chamber

THE CHAMBER (March 10, 2017)
“Set beneath the Yellow Sea, a pilot of a small submersible craft and a three-man Special Ops team become trapped underwater in a fight for survival. As the pilot and leader of the crew who must fight for their lives and against each other as the water rises and air supply runs out.”

Reminds me of the old joke — air is like sex; it’s no big deal until you’re not getting any. Guys, there’s plenty of air on top of the water. Just tape a bunch of milkshake straws together to access it. Special Ops always carry milkshake straws in case of emergencies, right? Problem solved.

Spaceship Terror

SPACESHIP TERROR (2017)
“Marooned on a deserted planet, and picked up by a old derelict spaceship, six unwitting travelers find themselves enslaved in a torture-filled blood lust that will take you on a white-knuckle ride into Hell.”

You don’t have to go to space to enjoy a white-knuckle ride into Hell. Ever been in a New York taxi?

Stirring

STIRRING (2018)
“Fans will recognize winks to Black Christmas, Silent Night, Deadly Night and To All A Goodnight, but will also appreciate its own unique style and take on the Christmas themed slasher.”

Dubious of the claim Stirring — that doesn’t get released until next year (?) — has it’s own unique style, especially after aligning itself to all those other Christmas horror movies, which are all the same thing. Christmas slashers are so ‘80s. Best leave the holiday slaughter to Krampus and/or Republicans.

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