Creatures, Ghosts and STDs

Man VS

Watched a documentary on 1980s horror movie scream queens the other day. Surprised to find out these often naked and hired-to-shriek actresses made less than an average 7-Eleven™ manager’s assistant’s intern. Shocking revelation, but at least you get a screen credit; no one in the history of 7-Eleven™ has ever had their picture — let alone their name — on any one of its fine and potentially healthy microwaveable products. Talk about unsung heroes.

Here’s some upcoming low paydays for a few people…

MAN VS (February 14, 2017/VOD)
As host of his own hit TV series, MAN VS, Doug Woods is forced to fend for himself for five days in remote locations with no crew, food, or water, only the cameras he carries on his back to film his experiences. Doug’s in the remote woods for a routine episode, until he’s awoken by an earth-shaking crash. Things get weirder as it becomes clear Doug isn’t alone. Someone or something is watching him. MAN VS is a gripping ‘found footage’ thriller about one man’s extraordinary desire to survive at all costs.”

Not a fan of these types of TV shows. I’m always rooting for nature to put these fame hungry participants out of my misery. So what might be in the woods going after Woods? (Really? They couldn’t give him another last name?) My guess is media critics and/or low ratings.

Lake Alice

LAKE ALICE (2017)
“It’s Christmas at an isolated cabin in the subzero temperatures of northern Wisconsin where the days are short and the nights last forever. As a blizzard descends on Lake Alice, so does evil, as the Thomas family is hunted down one by one. The family struggles to stay alive as their numbers slowly dwindle.”

Numbers always dwindle in subzero temps — and casinos. My first thought is why would a family go to an isolated cabin in a blizzard on Christmas when there are lots of nice and warm cocktail lounges within $1 of gas distance? As for the “evil” dogging the Thomas clan on Christmas, it’s probably Krampus. Gotta say, I like that guy.

Gremlin

GREMLIN (2017)
“A man receives a mysterious box containing a terrible secret, a creature that will kill everyone else in his family unless he passes it on to someone he loves to continue its never-ending circulation. He can’t destroy it. He can’t escape it. He can only give it to someone he loves before it’s too late.”

Sounds like a cross between The Ring (2002) and It Follows (2014). As for passing along a terrible secret to someone he loves, I’m thinkin’ herpes.

The Lodgers

THE LODGERS (2017)
“A sister and brother are haunted by a secret curse that forces them to remain in the large estate home left to them by their dead parents. But when a young man who falls in love with the sister tries to free her, his attempt sets off a deadly chain reaction.”

Forced to remain in a large estate home without parents? Sucks to be you. Try living in a nightmare apartment building with loud and obnoxious butt-heads being loud and obnoxious day in and day out. And don’t get me started on the overflowing recycling dumpster that only gets emptied once a month or the never ending semi trucks delivering frozen hockey puck “meat” patties to the McDonald’s™ behind said nightmare apartment building.

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