As The Giant Worm Turns
Digging up the front yard of a rural, British convent’s front yard, a budding archaeologist unearths a weirdo animal skeleton head artifact this size of a tuba. Tubas rock hard when honked. And the archaeologist thinks the skeleton head rocks, to which he loudly exclaims, “Yeehaa!”, thus setting in motion one of the more unusual and provocative giant monster movies you’ll see on a smart device.
Turns out the skull could very well be part of the D’Ampton Worm, a gigantic mythical wiggler. Apparently, the super-sized Lumbricus terrestris was worshiped by an ancient cult. (What is it with ancient cults, anyway? Couldn’t you just pray at the porcelain altar after worshiping a case of Worm Brew? Geez.) The snake monster was later slain (or “cut in half”) by the then Lord D’Ampton for later generations to sing pub songs about. (The lyrics could use some work, but the tune is rather catchy.)
Enter the overtly seductive Lady Sylvia Mars, a mysterious gal who has an affinity for slithery things. After scene after scene of waiting for the worm (that’s thought to still be alive in a nearby cavern), Lady S sets up shop in a nearby mansion, takes off her clothes right down to the string of G, and lures men to worship at the altar of her R-rated booty. It’s here she brandishes her snake fangs and bites them on the trouser worm, injecting and infecting the prey with paralyzing spittle. The debilitated victims are fed to you-know-what.
Astonishingly, the D’Ampton Worm turns out to still be doing business, worming its way up from the depths of Hell for some take out, with human sacrificial groceries provided by Sylvia Snake. Of the numerous nightmare sequences, a stand-out is a rather disturbing flashback scene of people being crucified amid shoulder height flames with giant white worms twisting around the nail-hung bodies, nuns being non-consensually romanced by pant-less soldiers, and the snake woman hissing and her-ing all over the place.
The Lair of the White Worm (1988) is quite entertaining (except to nuns), and slithers happily between surreal horror and deliberate black comedy. (Sylvia plays Snakes ‘n Ladders with her “offerings” and can’t help but twist-y dancing when hearing music.) You have to wait most of the movie’s 93 minutes to see the whopping worm, but there’s people being turned into vampire snakes ’n stuff. Almost doesn’t matter after watching Lady Sylvia (topless the entire last scene) pose over her victims in attire best suited for a fetish nightclub.
And the worm? Big time big.