Vampire Face Cream

I, Vampiri

I, Vampiri (1956), also known as Lust of the Vampire and The Devil’s Commandment, is a patience-testing Italian vampire movie based on the Elizabeth Bathory legend, which has Giselle du Granda, a vampire chick who needs the blood of young chicks to bathe away her oldness in. She goes to all this trouble when a nice moisturizer would add miles to her mug. (I recommend a purse-friendly jug of Kiehl’s™ Ultra-Facial Cream, which sells for a reasonable $27.50 at Nordstrom™.)

Kiehl's Ultra Facial Cream

No scares or suspense, a lot of yapping and a lot of stock footage. Then there’s the usual stuff of missing bloodless young chicks and E-Bath trying to stay one step ahead of the local inspector (or “detective”).

I, Vampiri

I’ll say this about her pad, though —  the skeleton bat gargoyle decor makes for excellent ambiance and really enhance the Zillow™ estimated value of her castle real estate. You might need to upgrade the curtain-esque spider webs, though. I’m thinkin’ something along the lines of a nice mummy wrap chiffon.

I, Vampiri

Wanna know how many sub-titles you need to navigate before you see Giselle turn into parchment paper? Un sacco. (Sounds cooler if you say it with an Italian accent.)

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