Porno Ghosts, Alcoholic Werewolves, Yuletide Bleedings

According to IMDb (Internet Movie Database) – the world’s most popular and authoritative source for movie, TV and celebrity content (their words, not mine), there are almost 2,000 horror movies either in-production, post-production, being shopped around, and/or finished/released for 2016. Dang. I’m still wading through the 2,000 horror movies released in 2015.

And to think my sole purpose in life was to sit in front of a TV and watch every horror movie ever made and then write about ’em in this here blog dealie. That I’ve never been paid to do this is beside the point. So yeah, this might take a bit longer than expected as I’m about 11,017 horror/sci-fi movies behind. I should’ve learned to play the clarinet. There’s money in that, right? I could switch to tuba if the coin is better. Lemme know.

Anyway…

KRAMPUS: THE DEVIL RETURNS (2016)
“Five years after the murder of his wife and disappearance of his daughter, former police officer Jeremy Duffin is brought back to help in the hunt for a yuletide monster that punishes children that have been “naughty.” As the monster becomes more erratic and unpredictable, Jeremy learns the truth about the disappearance of his daughter and the fate that has been bestowed upon him by an unlikely source. Can Jeremy finally end the nightmare Christmas monster that has terrorized this town for years?”

Happily, Krampus — who hands out extreme death instead of extreme toys — seems to be the go-to holiday horror figurehead these days. In just the last several years, five and/or six Krampus movies have been released. In case you’re writing this down, this is the sequel to Krampus: The Christmas Devil (2013).

And if you’re wondering who/what a Krampus is, here’s what the holy bible (Wikipedia™) has to say about that: “In Austro-Bavarian Alpine folklore, Krampus is a horned, anthropomorphic figure described as “half-goat, half-demon” who, during the Christmas season, punishes children who have misbehaved. I am SO doomed.

ANOTHER WOLFCOP (2016)
“After saving the small town of Woodhaven from a gang of evil reptilian shapeshifters, alcoholic werewolf cop Lou Garou is finding it hard to keep a low profile. Instead, he roams the street at night, gleefully and violently disposing of criminals and stealing boxes of Liquor Donuts causing all sorts of problems for his former-partner-turned-chief Tina.”

It all boils down to this selling point: Alcoholic werewolf. It’s like they filmed my dreams. Another Wolfcop is a bit of a challenge to find as they claim it came out in September of 2016. No one sent me a complimentary DVD, so I guess I’ll just have to go back to sleep and watch it.

PARANORMAL SEX TAPE (2016)
“Based on real events that occurred in Europe in 2010. There are over 25,000 demonic possessions reported each year – many of those claim to be possessed during sexual intercourse. After a steamy night captured on video, a couple watches their sex tape. But they discover something ancient and very evil on the tape, something that’s watching them…following them…possessing them.”

Based on real events? Kind of an understatement given how many people film themselves rubbing fuzzies. And why would they freak out that an ancient evil ghost is watching them rub said fuzzies? The NSFW video will probably end up on YouTube™ for 100 million people/poltergeists to see. For free.

PACIFICO (2016)
“A group of young travelers are stranded on an island in the Pacific where they struggle to escape an evil presence that has been kept hidden from mankind for centuries.”

Pfffttt — Young travelers, my eye…these are beach hippies. There’s your real evil presence.