Lunar Lunacy

Pandorum

In the dystopian sci-fi Pandorum (2009), The Elysium is a 60,000 passenger space ship/motel that’s 500 million miles from Earth. So much for remembering where you parked the car. Two astronauts awake from hyper-sleep (like regular sleep but with no noisy neighbors waking you) and discover they don’t know who they are or where they are, which accurately describes the morning after a Jager™ bender.

Pandorum Slowly their mind yarn begins to re-spool, and off one of ’em goes to find the ship’s nuclear reactor to power up the restrooms and such. What they find is that the indoor neighborhood is overrun by mutated versions of themselves. These creatures are pasty-white, slimy, super-strong, super fast, below-average hygiene, and addicted to survivor flesh. Several of those food types are discovered still keeping out of teeth’s length of the hungy mutants. And if that wasn’t enough, a condition known as Pandorum — a pronounced form of space insanity — is beginning to set in on Lt. Payton, the head astro guy.

Pandorum

The moon clock is ticking as the reactor is beginning its self-destruct phase. So, like, that lights yet another fire under everyone’s asteroids. Thankfully, there’s a grim twist to all of this as you kinda get bored watching people running away from the mutes, who all look like Road Warrior (1981) extras.

Pandorum

Lt. Payton is in the throes of Pandorum. The monsters are closing in. And the air stinks. (In space no one can hear you fart, but they can certainly smell it.) All of this sounds pretty cool, but for some reason it’s just a big “been-there-seen-that” meh.

Pandorum

Nice visuals, but I just wasn’t feeling the love from the mutants. You might be able to figure out the ending, but if not, don’t worry — it’s just a touch of Pandorum. Take two celestial Tylenol™ and call me in the new Millennium.

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