Archive for September, 2016

That Damned House

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 23, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

House of the Damned

1963: Two couples looking to have a romantic anniversary weekend to feel each other up move into the last un-rented castle (or, House of the Damned) with a view in California, only to discover there are dead mutant circus freaks partying in the basement. (Say what you will about dead mutant circus freaks, those guys know how to throw a happenin’ shindig!)

House of the Damned

This doesn’t bother the couple and their two unhappily married friends nearly as much as the headless woman and a half-man wandering (okay rolling) around without a glass of White Zinfandel™ in their hands. That simply wouldn’t happen in Napa Valley, or “wine country.”

House of the Damned

Dress, Undress, Possess

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , on September 21, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Haunting of Morella

Mom was a witch. For that she had to burn. So dad and baby daughter sift through the ashes of their motherless lives and go far away to someplace I forgot to remember.

The Haunting of Morella

Seventeen years later the stinking hot daughter is set to inherit some serious cash cake as decreed by mom’s family. One slight change in plan: mom is coming back from the dead and needs her daughter’s stinking hot body to further her work. I love this plan.

The Haunting of Morella The Haunting of Morella (1990) is basically a gal/gal ghost story revolving around the attention-holding plot of a lot of carpet-munching, art-y sex scenes in waterfalls (without appropriate swimwear) and porn thespian Maria Ford enunciating in some rather astonishing bikini under thingies.

The Haunting of Morella

Lenora/Morella is the stinking hot daughter and thankfully one of the Rug Sisters. Apparently her door swings both ways, which is good for those of us who appreciate a contemporary spin on our possessed ghost stories.

The Thereafter of the Hereafter

Posted in Ghosts, TV Vixens on September 20, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Hereafter

So what happens after you die? Beats the embalming fluid outta me. But that’s the premise of Hereafter (2010), a story about a guy who can communicate with the dead, or “hereafter.”

Hereafter

Feeling burdened by his “gift,” he gives up charging people for getting after-market life advise from the dearly departed, and goes to a mundane job in a San Francisco sugar factory, stockpiling food for giant ants and…sorry.

Hereafter

Anyway, there’s a two young twin boys in England, one of whom gets  turned into Bangers and Mash by a truck. Then there’s a hard news French chick who drowned and came back to life after being caught up in a tsunami while on vacation. (The opening sequence of the incoming surf  is a mind-blower.)

Hereafter

How all three of these people come together takes up most of the time that could’ve been better spent talking to the dead. As such, there’s barely any paranormal activity, just people trying to reconcile their mortality. Solid stuff, but a few giant ants would’ve been cooler.

Furnace Face

Posted in Evil, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 19, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ghost Rider

Ghost Rider is a leather jacket wearing skeleton with a flaming head who drives a demon-fueled motorcycle up the sides of buildings. He also has a flaming whip with which to snap your crime ass.

Ghost Rider

Before he was a flaming skeleton vigilante, Ghost Rider was Johnny Blaze, a daredevil motorcycle stunt performer. Sheer coincidence about the whole flame/blaze connection.

Ghost Rider

So how did he get to be such a hot head? The old west town of San Venganza is populated by 1,000 corrupt souls. Mephistopheles sends a Ghost Rider to round ‘em up. GR doesn’t want to do it and runs away. Time to hire a new Ghost Rider. Blaze is offered a deal: his father’s cancer will be cured if he’d sign over his soul. But as in all deal’s with evil, you ultimately get f’d in the b-hole. Hence, the flaming lips.

Ghost Rider

Blaze takes the job in order to get his soul back. (The deal for his father went up in smoke.) But what a dumbass – you can drive up walls, man! That said, Ghost Rider (2007) is loaded with comic book thrills and PG-language. Needed more flames, though.

Evil Bathrobe

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 18, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Evilmakers

A voluptuous chick has nightmares, so she takes off her shirt. This is clearly the right thing to do when confronted by the unknown.

Her Goth girlfriend picks her up and, after meeting up with friends (a large chick and a reverse attractive large chick), head for the beach to score with men with boogie boards.

EvilmakerThe party car only makes it a few miles out of town, so the girls walk right into an unlocked furnished house with plenty of booze and nobody home. Mysterious voices pester the boob-gifted chick, so she takes her clothes off and hops in the bathtub. Again, she has what it takes to smash evil.

Evilmaker

The biggest drawback (besides the food stamp-esque budget), is the Evilmaker turns out to be the chick’s ghost ex-boyfriend in a discount black bathrobe. And not an absorbent bathrobe, either. (P.S. Not a spoiler – they practically hand it to you in the beginning as if an obligation-free cheese sandwich.)

The Evilmaker

Explained in flashbacks, he was caught cheating on her (that butt!) and was chopped up by an axe. Neither deeds are shown onscreen, and it only gets worse when the reverse attractive large chick exposes one of her Sarah Lee™-filled poundcakes.

So how evil is Evilmaker (2000)? About the same as a discount black bathrobe.

There’s A Werewolf In My Mouth

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Nature Gone Wild, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 17, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Wolf House

It’s always amazing when new horror movies rip off old horror movies and think no one will connect the dots. A new example of this comes in the form of Wolf House, a supernatural horror movie due out early 2017. It goes like this…

“Six friends on a camping trip think they have discovered and killed a Sasquatch. But what they have actually unleashed is something more evil, more ancient and more deadly than they could ever imagine – an army of supernatural terrors that will hunt them until no one remains…”

The Company of Wolves

That meets my eco concerns. However, their advertising art steals DIRECTLY from 1984’s Goth horror The Company of Wolves, a modern re-spinning of the Red Riding Hood fairy tale. The story is different from Wolf House, but the ad art is either an homage or bold faced thievery. I’m thinkin’ felony burglary here.

The Company of Wolves

The Company of Wolves, by the way, is a must-see for fans of werewolf movies. That thing is loaded with ’em to the point where you don’t know who is a misanthrope lycanthrope (science name for a people hating were-person) or a bipedal hominid (science name for you).

My science name is Led Sapien.

Mecha-Eyeball

Posted in Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 15, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Eyeborgs

The Eyeborgs in Eyeborgs (2009) are the equivalent of intersection traffic cams, but with robotic legs that allow them to find trouble, record it, and send it back to Big Brother. Problem is, the crimes they’re filming aren’t really happening at all. (Classic Republican maneuver.)

Eyeborgs

There are ice chest-sized Eyeborgs and kitchen stove-sized Eyeborgs — and they’re all linked together to bring crime to its knees illegal. This is known as the Freedom of Observation Act (dumb), with the Eyeborgs built and maintained by ODIN (Optical Defense Intelligence Network). Guess who pays for this stuff? (Not me; I’m broke.)

Eyeborgs

A conspirator tries to kill the President’s punk rock nephew and to tell the world that the Eyeborgs are really a part of a bigger political (Republican) agenda. A police detective eventually uncovers the truth (the stinky hippie emo conspiracy guy was right all along), and sets out to correct this incorrectness.

Eyeborgs

The Eyeborgs are kinda cool, but the plot, at times, slows things down to a robotic crawl. Fortunately, a big gun battle between human and robot brings things to a nice, shiny finish. And the President? You’ll have to decide if he was real or just a digital media puppet. Art imitates life.