Archive for August, 2016

The Swimming Dead

Posted in Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , on August 21, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dead In The Water

In the predictably lifeless Dead in the Water (2006), two teen sisters take their boyfriends up to their parents’ cabin by the lake for some bra-unclasping action and zombie encounters. One of those activities is a real mood killer.

Dead In The Water

As night falls, the living dead come out of the lake and track mud all over the place. Everything is filmed so dark you can’t tell whether the zombies are wearing swim suits or not. The kills are weak, as is the storyline (something about a zombies coming back from the dead).

Dead In The Water

One of the girls finds a severed arm in the water. The zombies come back to get it. I think. Scratching herself with the dead hand, the girl becomes infected and… You know the rest.

If all of this sounds like a rehash of the The Evil Dead (1981), you get a cookie.

Flee From This Flea

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , on August 20, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Weresquito: Nazi Hunter

Another one for the “now I’ve heard everything” file: Weresquito: Nazi Hunter. And in case you think I’m making this up, here’s the movie’s plot…

Weresquito: Nazi Hunter

“Horrific Nazi experiments have left a surviving WWII soldier with a terrifying condition: at the sight of fresh blood, he transforms into a man-sized, blood-sucking killer insect!”

Yeah, it’s a horror comedy, even going so far as to being filmed in sepia tone. And when the blood flows, it’s bright red. Pretty slick.

Weresquito: Nazi Hunter

Not sure when Weresquito: Nazi Hunter comes out. (Sometime in 2016 according to the ad poster.) But when it does, put me in the “probably should see it” file.

Human Dinosaur

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 19, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Killersaurus

Arriving September 27, 2016 on DVD, Killersaurus combines a human with a dinosaur to create an unstoppable meat grinder. Here are the particulars…

“When a scientist runs short of funding for his life-saving medical Bio-Printing research, he accepts an offer of investment from a shadowy military organization.”

“In return, he is forced to use his technology to create the ultimate battlefield weapon – a full size Tyrannosaurus Rex. After a horrific accident in which the dinosaur massacres his research team, the scientist shuts down the project. However, his investors demand results and it can only be a matter of time before the deadly T-Rex is unleashed upon the world.”

Carnosaur

While the movie’s trailer is weak, I do like the concept. And the name Killersaurus I feel is pretty cool. Not as cool as 1993’s Carnosaur, though. That one was so bad good, they couldn’t help but make sequels: Carnosaur 2 (1995) and Carnosaur 3: Primal Species (1996).

I’m pretty sure they used real dinosaurs in those movies. That said, I hope they use a real half-human/half-dinosaur in Killersaurus. Movie-goers love realism.

U-Killersaurus

P.S. Just so I can say I told you so, they took the name Killersaurus from the Ultra-Man stable of monsters. U-Killersaurus and U-Killersaurus Neo appeared in 2006’s Ultraman Mebius & the Ultra Brothers. Both were able to shoot fireballs, Saurus-Stinger missiles, and the aptly-named Terrible Flasher, all of which are terribly awesome.

Extraterrestrial Hooptie

Posted in Aliens, Godzilla, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 17, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Arrival

Two trailers and four international ad posters were just released to honk the marketing horn on the upcoming big-budget sci-fi alien invasion movie, Arrival (November 11, 2016). I’m giddy in anticipation, although a bit disappointed in the Uber™ the extraterrestrials use to get to this toilet Earth.

Arrival

Not resembling what we’re used to seeing as a UFO, this spacecraft looks like a giant black potato chip, possible a Pringle™. Or is it Queen Kong’s diaphragm? Or Godzilla’s heel pad to help relieve his nagging plantar fasciitis, a painful condition a result of decades of stepping on sharp edged buildings/screaming citizens? Or perhaps one of those Julep Konjac Cleansing Sponges™ you can get on QVC.com for $12?

Konjac Cleansing SpongeWhile you mull these propositions, here’s what Arrival wants us to buy into…

“When mysterious spacecraft touch down across the globe, an elite team – led by expert linguist Louise Banks – is brought together to investigate. As mankind teeters on the verge of global war, Banks and the team race against time for answers – and to find them, she will take a chance that could threaten her life and quite possibly humanity.”

Arrival

Man, that’s a weak press blurb. How can you address the arrival of aliens without even once mentioning probing? I think the movie’s marketing team needs to do a bit more homework. I suggest starting in the locker room of the YMCA.

District 9

As alien spacecraft go, I’m voting for the one in District 9 (2009). Man, I’d trade my car for one of those sweet rides.

The Death of Radio

Posted in Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , on August 16, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dead Air

Those mean terrorists are at it again, this time coordinating a bio-attack at filled sports stadiums, where people come to drink $15 beers and eat $12 hot dogs to subsidize bloated athlete salaries.

Dead Air

Bumbling the job, a toxin is released from a Thermos™ that should’ve been filled with vodka and orange juice. Once the toxin was sucked into the ventilating system, it was just a matter of time before everyone breathing turned into raving freaks with bleeding eyes, tearing at each other’s throats and ripping each other’s shirts. Yep, sounds like a typical major league sporting event.

Dead Air

Meanwhile, shock jock Logan Burnhardt is on the air, stirring up the airwaves with his own brand of toxicity – his inflammatory retorts. But as the calls come in, he discovers something is not right in his city, and that people are slaughtering each other. Leave it to the TV for validation.

Dead Air

All the other radio stations have switched over to the EBS – Emergency Broadcast System. Not Logan. He wants to be the “voice of reason” while people are calling in and panicking. Logan turns out to be not as tough as his on-air persona, stammering and making upside down faces as he hears all the chaos in the background.

Dead Air

If this sounds familiar, you’re dialed in. It’s almost the same plot as Pontypool (2008), the other disappointing “shock jock on the air while people go nuts” movie. The impression is the entire city is overrun with maniacs (they don’t call ’em zombies), but really, you only see a dozen people attacking a woman, tearing her blouse and exposing her boob. (EBS — Elated Boobie Squeezing. Heh.)

Dead Air

Dead Air (2009) has barely any blood and no entrails being scooped up and worn like steaming scarves, just a lot of angry people with bleeding eyeballs. Slightly better than Pontypool (dumb name for a horror movie), there are dead (sorry) spots that chump the plot’s inertia. That, and all the time spent waiting around for something apocalyptic to happen, and all we get is some moralist pontificating at the end. You can do that on the toilet. And you won’t need a toxin to do it, although high-fiber certainly helps.

Monsters of Rock

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , on August 14, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Black Roses

In the gloriously dumb Black Roses (1988), small town Mill Basin is about to get the best argument for Marshall Law (yes, that was an intended pun) when concerts performed by demons posing as a heavy metal band turns teens into parent-snuffing children of darkness.

Black Roses Campy cool rubber monsters, boring movie. And the scene where a young girl takes her blouse off and plays with her own boob has nothing to do with the plot. And yet this solitary act makes the movie better somehow.

Black Roses

Face Without A Face

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 12, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Curse of the Faceless Man

The Faceless Man wasn’t born faceless. He had the geographical misfortune of chillin’ on the villa of Pompeii when the famous volcano blew its load, encasing many taxpayers in searing lava juice that, once solidified, turned them into stone cold stone mummies. This made it impossible for those affected to make boom boom happen in a hygienic method.

Curse of the Faceless Man

Once such stoner was uncovered after being covered since 79 A.D by an Italian farmer. First order of business – kill people, ’cause that’s what mummies do. (Note: Mummies aren’t really good for anything else, so cut ’em some slack.)

Curse of the Faceless Man

The mummy, whose name is Quintillus Aurelius (which is hard to pronounce in any A.D.) stays frozen in time until it’s time to strangle future humans and retrieve a gold brooch or “vintage bling.” (Quick thought – how did the archaeologists figure out his name? Quinty’s wallet must sure be encased in stone as well, yes?)

Curse of the Faceless Man

Q pulls up his hot pockets and goes after Tina, medical researcher Paul Mallon’s fiancée. I can see why – she’s a hot blonde and makes him hard as rock. Heh. But Tina screams and passes out a lot, so it’s very easy for the need-for-snail-speed mummy to pick her up and walk into the ocean for a little skinny dipping.

Curse of the Faceless Man

And here’s where Curse of the Faceless Man (1958) has its best, albeit short, moment: he starts to dissolve when immersed in sea water! Granted, he looks like freshness expired pie dough over-rolled in discount flour. But dang if he doesn’t start turning to Alka-Seltzer™ when the water reaches his swimsuit area. It was either gonna be that or sink to the bottom of the ocean because hey – MADE OF STONE!

Curse of the Faceless Man

The movie moves as slow as Quintillus and the scares come in the form of realizing he’s not the Etruscan gladiator slave he once was, but reduced to nothing more than what the volcano shardded.