The Horror of New Horror
Four new ones to fill your 2016 fall horror movie e-calendar: Rings (milking to the point of chafing the tired Japanese franchise), The House on Pine Street (yet another haunted house movie jumping on the bandwagon), The Blair Witch (a re-boot to a rip-off of a horror movie that never should have been made in the first place), and The Neighbour (yet another generically titled slasher flick).
Do you think me wicked for snarking on these movies before they’re even released? You should. But having seen more horror movies than the average viewer since birth, I’ve watched how lazy filmmakers have become (new faces, same plots) and how greedy they remain (re-boots = cash money bling dollaz).
So yeah – here are each movie’s plops, uh, plots. Take a read and feel free to tell me I’m wrong…
RINGS (releasing October 28, 2016)
“A new chapter in the beloved Ring horror franchise. A young woman becomes worried about her boyfriend when he explores a dark subculture surrounding a mysterious videotape said to kill the watcher seven days after he has viewed it. She sacrifices herself to save her boyfriend and in doing so makes a horrifying discovery: there is a “movie within the movie” that no one has ever seen before.”
Note: We’ve seen this before. About three times.
THE HOUSE ON PINE STREET (releasing September 20, 2016)
Jennifer is seven months pregnant and reluctantly returning to her hometown in Kansas, after an unexpected mental breakdown. Coping with her fears of motherhood, a strained relationship with her husband and the overbearing presence of her own mother, Jennifer struggles to regain control of her life. But when strange things start happening in their new rental home, Jennifer begins to fear that it may be haunted. Alone in her convictions, Jennifer is forced to question her sanity as she attempts to find out what, if anything, is plaguing the house.”
Note: This scenario has been done so many times, why don’t they put a spin on it and make the husband pregnant? If not scary, at least funny.
BLAIR WITCH (releasing September 16, 2016)
“A group of college students venture into the Black Hills Forest in Maryland to uncover the mysteries surrounding the disappearance of James’ sister who many believe is connected to the legend of the Blair Witch. At first the group is hopeful, especially when a pair of locals offer to act as guides through the dark and winding woods, but as the endless night wears on, the group is visited by a menacing presence. Slowly, they begin to realize the legend is all too real and more sinister than they could have imagined.”
Note: If you saw The Blair Witch Project back in 1999, prepare to pay to see it again. Don’t believe me? Watch the trailer – same movie.)
THE NEIGHBOUR (releasing September 6, 2016)
“In the small town of Cutter, Mississippi, army veteran John and his wife Rosie live on a run-down ranch, dreaming of one day escaping to Mexico. On the day they plan to finally leave, Rosie disappears. John thinks his mysterious neighbour Troy, might have something to do with it, and breaks into his house that night and discovers a secret far more sinister than he could ever imagine.”
Note: Why pay to see this when you can get it for free on the news every other night? I bet they took the plot from the news. The news should sue them.