Monster of Rock

Rock Monster

A college doof descendant of the Lazarus family shows up in a village (that looks a heckuva lot like Bulgaria) by invitation from the small town’s mayor. Once there with his expendable friends, he pulls an ancient sword out of a stone and resurrects a giant stone monster that growls (where the heck are the vocal chords?) and stomps on people.

Rock Monster

The sword can send the creature back to the quarry, but it needs the help of the Keystone (a magic jewel, not the hopelessly flavorless beer). But a bald bad guy wants it for himself in order to bathe in the light the sun casts through it so he can become an all-powerful poopy pants.

Rock Monster

The rock monster level bosses his way around town and bites a surprisingly small chunk out of one the college doof’s friend’s head and throws — you guessed it — rocks at everyone else.

Rock Monster

The monster looks like it was pulled right out of a video game and the plot so undercooked it probably has E.coli. I could throw out some painfully wincing dialogue as examples, but they’re so bad, my fingers would hurt from typing them. Now for my favorite part: Rock Monster (2008) does not rock. Man, I’m awesome.

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