Archive for July, 2016

Mangled Up In Blue

Posted in Evil, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , on July 17, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Mangler 2

A bunch of bad college kids in a private school have to stay after class for being bad college kids. Serves ‘em right, the trouble making butt-wipes; A good education is a privilege, not a right.

The Mangler 2

The university, it should be noted, is hard-wired, which means a computer runs the joint by opening and closing doors, thereby saving the campus thousands of dollars. The security cameras, also robo-controlled, catch the bad college kids doing bad things, like smoking illegal drugs and drinking unsafe amounts of alcohol and using language no doubt learned in study hall.

The Mangler

After a deadly virus is introduced (or “uploaded”) into the system, the computer deems everyone tardy, and one by one the bad college kids are put into eternal detention.

The Mangler

In the original Mangler (1995), the kill-bot was a mutated washing machine with a thirst for color-fast bleach and blood. In the sequel (related in name only), this Mangler is a bunch of extension chords and loose wires that wiggle in a menacing fashion and chase bad students down the hall. Even the ultra-cool Lance Henriksen as the controlling principal who literally becomes part of the education system can’t re-boot this mess.

Your personal computer/washing machine/waffle iron is more scary than The Mangler 2 (2001).

Headache Horror

Posted in Misc. Horror with tags , , , , , on July 16, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Head Trauma

George’s grandma passed away five years ago. Her house is being condemned and torn down to make way for Starbucks™. George, gone for 20 years, is a drifter with mental issues. He makes his way back to the vacant house and decides he’s gonna fix it up and live there. He’ll have to decorate with rainbows and wishing wells because HE’S BROKE.

Head Trauma

Soon after moving in, his butt sausage of a neighbor throws him off the porch and George smacks his head, and he starts “seeing” things. George’s visions take him back to that time in high school when he talked a drunk chick into getting into that tree house with him — 40 feet off the ground. It was cold back then, so he was wearing a parka. Connect the dots.

Head Trauma

Head Trauma (2006) sports pretty good – or “decent” –  production values for an indie-horror. But you/me/I have seen it before and the thrills aren’t really that thrilling. There is a good moment, though, when George punches his fat, bully neighbor right in the fat. That George is a short, balding and tubby tub himself means this was a victory for similar drifters with mental problems everywhere.

Planet of the Sharks

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , on July 15, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Planet of the Sharks

Planet of the Sharks. Guess it was only a matter of time. A world where sharks swim and humans can’t? A watered down Discovery Channel™ documentary with commercials every two minutes? Another Asylum Studios turd in a punch bowl? As much as I want to say all of the above, here’s the plot for this TV movie releasing July 25, 2016…

“In the near future, glacial melting has covered 98% of earth’s landmass. Sharks have flourished and now dominate the planet, operating as one massive school led by a mutated alpha shark.”

Fearsome Floatie

No doubt Planet of the Sharks will feature a lot of Selachimorpha (science sharks), but since this is being released under the Asylum banner, you can bet not one of ’em will be real. This is a slap on the fin to all those real shark actors out of work.

Religious Hammer vs. Religious Machete

Posted in Evil, Misc. Horror, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , on July 14, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

June 9

Using the same hand-held camera filming technique as The Blair Witch Project (1999), June 9 (2008) finds a van full of spank-worthy teens filming themselves smoking pot, smashing mailboxes with baseball bats and trespassing on land loaded with marijuana plants, owned by religious zealots.

June 9

Of course they get captured, with each pulled out of the van by townsfolk wearing colorful shirts, which may or may not be Hawaiian in nature (but certainly style). The men are sporting sport hats.

June 9

The teens are smacked on the head with a hammer, which calms them down real quick. Then we see an edited scene of an arm being cut off by a machete. A little boy finds the still-running camera and keeps it rolling. He’s not a very good cameraman, as we can hear the bodies being chopped up and put in a wheelbarrow, but we don’t get to see it.

June 9 June 9 is mind-numbingly boring and incredibly slow to get to the point. By the time it does get there, you want the religious people to hurry up and dismember everyone so you can go back to watching quality TV.

High School Succubus

Posted in Evil, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , on July 12, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Jennifer's Body

Jennifer is a drop-dead gorgeous cheerleader in Devil’s Kettle, Minnesota. Jennifer’s best friend since birth is Needy (full name “Anita”), a sort of wallflower sidekick, but deceptively think-y and as cute as a bag of pink miniature marshmallows with chocolate chip eyes.

Jennifer's Body

They go to a local tavern to see the emo band, Low Shoulder, “because they have awesome haircuts,” only to barely make it out alive when the place catches fire (as do some of the patrons). Not ones to waste time grieving, the band offers Jennifer a ride in their mystery van, leaving Needy on the side of the road.

Jennifer's Body

Jennifer ends up as the center attraction at the band’s satanic ritual in exchange for fame and coin. YET ANOTHER  reason why emo bands suck. Botched ritual later, Jennifer shows up – bloody and barfing black spike-y gunk – and male high school students soon turn up half-eaten. And Jennifer seems to be more “boy hungry” than before.

Jennifer's Body

A sort of psychic link (implied, not established) exists between Jennifer and Needy, and in a nice twist on a tandem teen sex scene, fills in the blanks/blankets as to how Jennifer is not really Jennifer anymore, but an intestine-gargling succubus. Once Jennifer sets her sights on Needy’s boyfriend, all BFFs are off.

Jennifer's Body

The killer (sorry) dialogue and a graphic-yet funny eye towards gore (a deer doing something to a corpse is a bright moment) take Jennifer’s Body (2009) to entertaining levels. And the final sequence is worth the DVD rental price. Hint: Stay through the credits.

Reverse Torture Porn

Posted in Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , on July 10, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Call Back

An egotistical horror film director is casting for his new movie and invites Meadow (if that’s her real name) over to his house for further “screen testing.” Sounds on the up and up to me, too.

Call Back

Levi the “director” is so greasy you wanna keep a moist towelette on standby while watching him try and seduce this seemingly innocent “actress.” But a conk on the head with a lead pipe kills the mood. He regains consciousness  to find himself constrained in the very same vise used in his last torture porn movie.

Call Back

Meadow invites her Russian girlfriend over, another actress who failed to pass Levi’s “audition.” Sliced arm, stapled wounds, bacon frying pan bonk on the head, tic-tac-toe games played on his torso with knives, a cucumber jammed down his throat, (though a carrot would’ve been easier to fit in there).

Call Back

Then they discover Levi’s stash of “audition” tapes, with him sexually abusing dozens of girls. Uh, oh. Meadow severs his finger, puts it in a blender and makes a hand slushee. (I thought she was gonna make him drink it, but she just poured it on his shirt. Up to that point is was a really nice shirt.)

Call Back

More torture, more begging, a little vomit, a lot of blood. Eighty of Call Back’s (2009) 90-minutes is nothing but Levi getting the sharp end of the stick. Meadow may not make it as an actress, but she definitely has a career in blender sales.

Cut: Blunder From Down Under

Posted in Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , on July 9, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Cut

“I’ve got a clause in my contract that says if I get killed, I get paid extra!” insists Molly Ringwald as the actress re-hired to finish her role in Hot Blooded, a horror film never completed due to the director and lesser life forms dying from gaping knife wounds.

Cut

The producers of this overly-derivative Australian slasher flick should hand Molly a check as her incredibly lame performance of a petulant B-movie diva makes you wanna pull a Michael Myers on her.

Cut

Film students, looking to complete the cursed horror movie 10 years later, invoke the ire of the masked psycho, who returns to poke acting holes in the thespians with his trusty garden shears.

Cut Heads get chopped off, throats are impaled, and one unfortunate little lady’s twenty-something haircut falls prey to an automatic woodchopper. The only way to stop the unstoppable killer is to destroy the film print because (yawn) “evil was created when it was filmed.”

To say Cut (2000) is tedious is just being nice.

The Devil Wears Cut-Offs

Posted in Evil, Scream Queens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on July 8, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Hell's Highway

The unfortunately low-budgeted Hell’s Highway (2002) begins with a sexy-yet-evil hitchhiker chick thumbing a ride on a hellishly hot Arizona highway that’s paved with wrongness. This is indicated by pointy cactus and various crooked crosses made out of bunk bed slats.

Hell's Highway

A carload of festive guys ’n gals stop to pick up the hitchin’ vixen, unaware that she just ate the brains of the last person who gave her a lift. Noting her distinct evilness (warped conversation, a brandished gun pointed towards uneaten brains), the travelers dump the chick on the side of the road. So how the double heck did she end up miles down the road later — in front of the car she was voted out of?

Hell's Highway

Through a series of plot-stalling events, the hitchhiker is killed. Several times. A minor inconvenience, she keeps coming back despite the fact her high-riding cut-off-encased booty has been dragged behind a car, stabbed, shoveled and chainsawed. Hats off for the scene where her head makes like a Gallagher watermelon when backed over by a car.

Hell's Highway

The evil chick is cute, but not particularly convincing as an unholy b*tch demon hell bent on road rage revenge. Some topless action, a smattering of gutter talk, a nice cameo by porn, uh, giant Ron Jeremy, and gore slung high and low. A solid return on your horror video investment dollar.

Hell's Highway

P.S. Hopefully you won’t confuse this Hell’s Highway with 1932’s Hell’s Highway. That one features chain gang prisoners and rioting. As far as I can tell, there are no unkillable demon chicks or porn stars in that one. Be cool if there were.

Mammoth Mammaries

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 7, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Attack of the 50 Ft. Woman

Can’t blame rich socialite Nancy Archer for being so upset over her philandering husband’s ways, that she almost runs her speeding car into a recently landed UFO with a giant alien in it.

Attack of the 50 Ft. Woman

At first, no one believed Nancy’s story about the spacecraft. Harry – her husband whose been hanging out at the local bar with the sexilicious Honey Parker – used this to his strategic advantage, given that Nancy has a pronounced drinking problem, is prone to hysterical mood swings, has a jealous streak as wide as an airport runway, and was recently under the care of a mental health facility. In other words, a normal chick.

Attack of the 50 Ft. Woman

Harry figures if he can get Nancy’s ball of yarn to further unwind, he can have her re-committed, thereby putting him in charge of all that sweet dough, and then go get some Honey on his stinger.

Attack of the 50 Ft. Woman

Nancy’s encounter with the extra-extra-extra-large alien eventually causes the mentally distraught woman to grow to the size of two telephone poles stacked on each other. When Nancy super-sizes herself, all of her mental issues balloon proportionately.

Attack of the 50 Ft. Woman

While I can buy the science fact behind alien encounters whose space radiation makes normal Earth people exponentially expand, I call party foul on making the clothes grow. So the 50-foot tall Nancy, in a tight bikini top and mini-skirt, goes after her husband, yelling “Harry!” loud enough to shake the surrounding buildings.

Attack of the 50 Ft. Woman

Once Nancy locates Harry and Honey (at the bar, of course), she becomes the ultimate party crasher, and brings the roof down. In all, Attack of the 50 Ft. Woman (1958) is a simple but entertaining love story with a smidge of radioactivity, a giant extraterrestrial, a shameless hussy, and some all-purpose booze.

The Freeze Her Freezer

Posted in Misc. Horror with tags , , , on July 6, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Cold Storage

In the sick but strangely affectionate Cold Storage (2006), Clive, a 40-something derelict with limited mental capacity (it’s like looking in a mirror), witnesses a brutal car wreck one night on a Tennessee country back road. The driver, a woman who just kicked her wimpy boyfriend to the curb, was ejected out of the vehicle and landed with a paralyzing thump on the road, causing brain fixins to leak out on that there pavement.

Cold Storage

Clive takes her to his home (a shack made out of dirt) where she eventually dies. Though not very talkative, she’s still better company than Luther, the grimy and hygienically bankrupt inbred hick (it’s like looking in another mirror) who lives nearby.

Cold Storage

Clive cares for “Rosalie” by bathing her in disinfectant (what the heck – it does the job), washing her hair (which falls out in clumps) and outfits her in a wedding dress (white – who does she thinks she’s kidding?). But summer in Tennessee is not only humid, it works its decaying magic on the stinkified corpse, attracting flies by the squadron.

Cold Storage

While Clive needs to run into town for more supplies (disinfectant, pest strips, soup), Luther helps himself to the greasy body. If you need me to explain that, you’re either hick dumb or as disgusting as all of ’em.

Cold Storage

Piecing together clues leads Cathy and Daric (worried sis and wimpy ex) to the Shack of Freshness Expired Love. I’ll stop right here as what you’re about to see is both cleverly staged and icky.

Cold Storage

Speaking of, there are several big time ick moments, but it’s the one where Clive “brushes” his exceptionally rotted teeth with a straight edge razor. This is a true flinch moment and will make you run out and buy a gallon of toothpaste and some disinfectant. I hear you can get both on sale in Tennessee.