Archive for June, 2016

7 Mummies Makes One Weak

Posted in Scream Queens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 18, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

7 Mummies

A half-dozen criminal convicts being transported across the Mexican desert manage to escape, taking the supermodel prison guard with them as hostage material.

Roasting under the blistering sun, they have nothing to drink except “land water” (dirt), no food, and no ChapStick™. Finding a gold medallion in the land dirt, the desert Holy Man (or “sand shaman”) tells them of more gold (specifically the ancient treasure of Tumacacori) than 10 men couldn’t spend in 10 lifetimes. I’ll take that challenge.

7 Mummies

All they have to do is keep walking until they get to a small old time-y western town. It’s there they’ll find their destinies. And hookers. (Destiny…hookers — same thing.) Besides looking out of time and place, there’s something not right with the dusty town.

7 Mummies

The criminals walk into the saloon, which looks straight out of the 1800s, and are offered free beer, food, and destiny hookers. Two things: Where is this town exactly so I can put in a change of address, and secondly, is there a local laundromat?

7 Mummies

Once the sun goes down, all of the supermodels and townsfolk turn into flesh-eating ghouls. They still look the same, but attack their guests as if free platters of Arby’s™ 5 for $5 roast beef sandwiches. A few manage to escape, but don’t leave town as they came for the gold.

7 Mummies

This business model is further complicated by the seven mummified Jesuit priests that leap to life to protect the gold. That they know how to do martial arts means that was either part of their religious training, or the movie sucks.

7 Mummies

So what have we/I learned about 7 Mummies (2005)? That gold is heavy, 400 year-old Jesuit priests can kick your ass, old time-y hookers have implants, a motorcycle can barely outrun a horse, and rap music sucks. But you/me already knew that.

Zombie ReZort

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , on June 15, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The ReZort

The ReZort, which is also being advertised as Generation Z (both dumb) is YET ANOTHER zombie movie wherein people pay to hunt and shoot zombies in a controlled and monitored environment. We already know how this is gonna end.

Here’s the plot: “The Rezort sets its story in a world after an almost-apocalyptic zombie outbreak. Humans have won the war and are exploring how humanity can recover after such a huge percentage of the population has been wiped out.”

“Humankind finally has the upper hand, but Melanie, who lost her entire family, is still deeply traumatized. In a bid to overcome the demons of her past, she goes on a zombie safari retreat. It is the ultimate in therapeutic revenge.”

Man, the undead cannot get a break these days. But I do like the idea of a zombie safari retreat. Most of those comes with snack bars with you as the snack. Heh.

Westworld

Of course the system goes down and the zombies escape and go on the snack attack. A few horror movie blogs are comparing The ReZort to Jurassic Park. Perhaps. However, try the 1973 sci-fi classic Westworld, where you pay to go to an Old West “town” and have shoot outs with  robot cowboy criminals dressed in black. All is good until the system goes down and the robot cowboy criminals start firing back.

Robot cowboy criminals are highly entertaining. Zombies – massively overdone and over used – not so much anymore.

P.S. No official release date yet for The ReZort. This gives them time to come up with a less crappy ad poster.

Sketchy Godzilla

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 14, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Art of Shin Godzilla

Wanna know what Godzilla is gonna look like when Godzilla: Resurgence opens this summer (2016 in case you’re reading this in 2017) in Japan? You can buy the book The Art of Shin Godzilla: Resurgence (releasing August 2016) through Hobby Link for $90+ pocket coupons.

The Art of Shin Godzilla

I know what you’re saying with a mouthful of something hopefully edible. If the book comes out the same time as the movie, why buy the book and just go see the cheaper movie instead? Because you’d have to go to Japan to see Godzilla: Resurgence as it won’t be released in your/my zip code until after summer. Going to Japan to see a movie is really expensive. (I’m looking in your direction, Cowby Bebop: The Movie/2001.)

Shin Godzilla

First announced by Skreeonk.com, an English kaiju website with awesome pics and G-news, The Art of Shin Godzilla: Resurgence shows us development concept drawings of the new Godzilla from Mahiro Maeda and proves that Shin Godzilla is way lots bigger than Godzilla/2014 (as I’ve repeatedly pointed out in previous bloggings).

Shin Godzilla

And in case you’re writing this down, Godzilla: Resurgence is co-directed by Hideaki Anno and Shinji Higuchi, the guys behind the scenes of the amazing Neon Genesis Evangelion and Attack on Titan animated TV series. In the States we call them “cartoons.”

Globally-Warmed Bugs

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 13, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Thaw

Thank you global warming for wrecking our planet. And after all we’ve done for you. Because of you, that parasitic infested woolly mammoth has defrosted, and one million (give or take) previously frozen prehistoric flesh-eating bugs have hatched and gotten into human orifices. That’s gratitude for you.

The Thaw

Dr. David Kruipen, an “Earth-first” kind of scientist, discovered the room-temperature mammal meat and its germs and, after watching it infect it’s way through his staff out in the field, decided it probably isn’t a good idea to let said disease get back to civilization. Too bad his estranged college-aged daughter doesn’t listen to him and flies out with several grad students to study infestation up close and, for some, really personal.

The Thaw

Once the little buggers get under your skin, red bumps and open sores show up all over your face and stomach, you itch yourself at socially-inconvenient times, you throw up like it was your first quart of Jagermeister™, you sweat on everything, then you die a horribly painful death, thereby hatching even more bugs. (Note: said crawlers look like the Motorhead version of caterpillars.)

The Thaw

The helicopter pilot discovers he caught the bug and in an “oh, crap” scene, has two people dope him up with morphine (standard research equipment), put a tourniquet just above the goal line, and chop off his infected arm with a meat cleaver (also standard equipment). The two things he needed to happen didn’t quite work out, with the knife getting stuck halfway through the former arm and the discount amputation not getting all of the infection. Sucks to be him.

The Thaw

In order to make the world understand the threat, the good ’old doc infects himself and plans on being the only one evacuated. His reasoning being that, yeah, a few hundred thousand may die, but this is a valuable lesson for us all to stop making the atmosphere so toxic with our SUVs and party flatulence. But the doc’s daughter has a different ending in mind — and it’s just what the doctor didn’t order.

The Thaw (2009), though a decent “bug up your butt” movie, could use a little less moralizing and a bit more meat cleaver. And some Raid™.

Bowling Trophy Worthy Sci-Fi & Horror

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 12, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Saturn Awards

Even though The Academy of Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror Films was founded in 1972 to honor, recognize and promote genre films, NOT ONCE have they called me to accept a bowling trophy-esque shelf ornament during their annual Saturn Awards for Excellence in the Field of Horror/Sci-Fi Blogging. I feel this is a form of snob celebrity elitism. (The bag boys at the grocery store pull rank on me as well.)

Saturn Awards

Regardless of their humiliating oversight, the Saturn Awards, taking place June 22, 2016 in Burbank, CA, looks to acknowledge the horror/sci-fi/fantasy/misc. genres with metric tons of movie stars, directors, writers and complimentary shrimp platters with cocktail sauce for dipping. And since they have a million nominating categories, I’ve picked a few to see whose in line for winning a bowling trophy-esque award.

And the nominees (with my predicted winners) are…

BEST FILM SPECIAL/VISUAL EFFECTS
Avengers: Age of Ultron – How in the heck do they make Iron Man fly? Surely he must weigh, like, a metric ton.

Jurassic WorldDinosaurs dishing out dino sores. Awesome, though we’ve seen it three times before.

Mad Max: Fury Road – Best road rage action since your morning commute.

The Martian – Zillow™ is already pricing profiling Mars’ real estate.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens – It had to be mind-blowing because they need to keep milking the money-printing franchise.

Ex Machina – Winner

Ex Machina

Best usually means who had the budget to afford all those pricey eyeball delights. While each one of these should win, I’m going with smaller budgeted Ex-Machina because it shows up close and personal full front/back/top/bare bottom female nudity. So what if it’s a naked chick robot encased in synthetic bubble wrap? If you were stranded on a desert island with one, it wouldn’t be an issue.

BEST HORROR FILM RELEASE
Crimson Peak – Visually stylish ghost story, but the boos needed more booze.

Insidious: Chapter 3 – No.

It Follows – Yes.

Krampus – Kinda.

The Visit – Sorta.

What We Do in the Shadows – Winner

What We Do In The ShadowsMade by the Flight of the Concords comedy troupe, What We Do In the Shadows is the best vampire movie since Let The Right One In (2008) and 30 Days of Night/2007.(My opinion only, based on recommended daily doses of sweet and refreshing adult beverages.)

BEST INDEPENDENT FILM RELEASE
99 Homes – I didn’t see the first 98 homes, so…

Cop Car – I see enough of them as it is.

Experimenter – Didn’t have enough money to experiment with the movie ticket price, so…

Room – Didn’t see it.

Trumbo– Didn’t see it.

Bone Tomahawk – Winner

Bone TomahawkCannibals versus cowboys, hands down Bone Tomahawk starring Kurt Russell should win, if only for the movie’s last 15 minutes alone. Haven’t seen it? I double dog dare you to get through the last 15 minutes without your pants squirming up into your poo portal.

BEST INTERNATIONAL FILM RELEASE
The 100 Year-Old-Man Who Climbed Out the Window and Disappeared – Dumb title. Didn’t want to see it.

Goodnight Mommy – Potentially.

Labyrinth of Lies – Didn’t see it.

Legend – Didn’t see it.

Turbo Kid – Seriously?

The Wave – Winner

The WaveBased on an actual event that happened before you were born, The Wave is a Norwegian disaster film about a small community situated on a fjord about to be swallowed by a 250-foot mega tsunami, the result of a mega landslide. The wild wave itself is quite spectacular, but it’s the testicle-tightening lead up and post-wave t*tty-twisting that delivers the groceries.

BEST SCIENCE FICTION FILM RELEASE
Ex Machina – Nudity is not science fiction.

Jurassic World – Is DNA cloning science fiction? I think not.

The Martian – This movie was based on science fact, which negates fiction.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens – It’s not fiction in the minds of Star Wars nerds.

Terminator: Genisys – No.

Mad Max: Fury Road – Winner

Mad Max: Fury RoadMad Max: Fury Road is insanity awesome. It instantly made me want to adorn my car with gasoline-powered sharp things and drive on sidewalks at 100 m.p.h.

Wal-Mart Bigfoot

Posted in Bigfoot, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 11, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Search For The Beast

In Search For The Beast (1997) – part of the Bigfoot Terror box set – there’s a mysterious creature running loose in Okaloosa, FL — and it looks uncannily like a guy in a Wal-Mart™ gorilla costume.

A local wealthy businessman lost his son to the mythological monster and funds an expedition to hunt that big-footed sucker down and shoot him for what he done. Dr. David Stone is leading the expedition, which includes a van full of fat ass rednecks packing semi-automatic rifles and a hot blonde.

Search For The Beast

Splitting up and searching for the beast (must be how they came up with the movie’s title), we get to see a young gal – who doesn’t look that different from Sasquatch himself – rinsing off her boobs in a waterfall. Then we get to see hippie hillbillies doing a Deliverance-style song. Then we get to see the “beast” pop in and out from behind trees, showing off his white chest and growling like an empty stomach.

Search For The BeastAt first nightfall the doctor, who looks more like a fat, bearded beer drinker, pitches a tent with the blonde. The next day everyone splits up and looks for the costume, uh, monster. A double-cross ensues and the wealthy businessman’s hired guns take over — and take the girl. The doc is smacked thusly upon the head and tied up and left for beast bait. That pisses off Wal-Marty, and he goes all aggro on the hunters.

Search For The Beast

The rest of the movie is everyone getting killed by, or running away from, the monster. But the most laughable scene comes when a redneck teen bends his girlfriend over a foldable camping chair and starts makin’ bacon. The beast comes out of the woods, pushes him away and starts drivin’ the train. The girl, of course, just rolls with it, like getting porked by Bigfoot was an every Saturday night occurrence. Maybe in Okaloosa, it is.

Search For Bigfoot

In summation, Search For The Beast isn’t just the worst Bigfoot movie ever made, but also an insult to gorilla costumes everywhere.

I See Sea People

Posted in Fantasy, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , on June 9, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Sea People

What was thought to be a flick about mermaids who lure stinky fishermen to their watery graves, then crack their skulls open like clam shells and feast on their gooey duck brains, turned out to be a fantasy Disney-esque tear-jerker. Dammit.

Sea People

Hume Cronin, all but reprising his role in Cocoon (1985, another breast-less feature), is an actual mermaid (but he prefers to be called “Sea People”). He and his mermaid wife eat seaweed and pump seawater into their sleeping tanks, which are industrial strength aquariums.

Sea People

Hume (that name sounds SO made up) looks as old as the barnacles growing on the bottom of the boats that sail in and out of the unsuspecting harbor. He has no fins, visible gills, or creature-like attributes, but does manage a decent dog paddle. In short, Sea People (1999) is out to sea.

Stomach Monster

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , on June 8, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Scourge

The Scourge in Scourge (2008) is a tentacled, icky bug creature that makes its six-hour Air BNB home in stomachs. (Your belly button is its front door.) It also makes you eat raw butter and drink curdled milk, gulping serving spoons of room temperature mayonnaise down your sandwich hole. And it makes your skin come off like wet drywall tape.

Scourge

Buried in the foundations of a 1781 church, the icky thing got loose in modern day times when the holy house burnt down, and got into a fireman. He passed it to his girlfriend. She passed it to a punk rocker. He passed it to the ambulance driver. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Scourge

A one-eyed man in the employ of the Catholic church collects the thing, takes it to a funeral home, and burns it alive. (10 minutes on 1600 degrees, turning once when brown. Serve with a side of room temperature mayonnaise.)

Scourge

Some good gore bits (the punk rocker gets his lower face punched off) and some icky skin moments. But Scourge just didn’t have the guts it needed to make it tasty. Like raw butter.

Ghost Strippers

Posted in Ghosts, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , on June 7, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Sexy Sixth Sense

A panty-less parody of The Sixth Sense (1999), the bawdy goof The Sexy 6th Sense (2001) opens with the line, “I see dead strippers…” And see ’em the lonely nerd boy who sleeps with naked mannequins does.

The biggest surprise is seeing normally panty-less Darian Caine wearing clothes. In all the countless flicks she’s been in, this is the first time she wears something other than a smile.

Darian Caine

But not for long, of course, as she and a host of other bountiful and buff babes drop top (and bottom) for several bouts of “lick the plate clean.” Ahem. As with all these types of films, plan on getting treated for Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

The Tooth Is Out There

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , on June 4, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Sabretooth

In the plaintively titled Sabertooth (2002), YET ANOTHER science lab is doing YET ANOTHER genetic experiment on prehistoric DNA samples. Everybody used to copy Alien (1979), Now they just copy Jurassic Park (1993). Oh sure, they’ll figure out how to grow a sabretooth tiger in a mayonnaise jar, but they can’t cure a hangover. Why do we keep giving scientists tax breaks and new white coats?

Sabretooth

Of course the tiger gets loose and goes into the woods to crap and eat people. Not necessarily in that order. Enter David Keith, a no-nonsense big game hunter hired by the lab to bring the prehistoric cat back alive. Easier theorized than accomplished. To add color (red) to the linear plot, a team of camp counseling trainees go into the woods to learn how to keep underprivileged kids from being eaten by punk rock bears or wood sharks. We’ll call these people “appetizers.”

SabretoothThe visually pleasing Vanessa Angel works for the lab and is protecting the sabretooth so that she can reap lots of taxable income. But David Keith wants to kill that toothy furball because its been killing everyone else. This is what we call a conflict of interest.

Sabretooth

One of the trainees has two large knives, which he uses to sword fight the sabretooth. For that he deserves to die. And he does. Outside of Keith, everyone deserves to die. And they do. As for the sabretooth tiger, while it might be able to brush its teeth easily since they’re hanging out of its mouth, the rest of the digitally-made beast isn’t even cool enough to be a stuffed animal at the county fair where you have to knock over three milk bottles with lead weights in ’em to win. That game is totally rigged.