Archive for June, 2016

Put Your Teeth Into Love

Posted in Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 22, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Teeth

The problem with being a high school female spokesperson for The Promise, a Christian abstinence group, is that your pitch is only believable if you’re south of good looking. Not so for Dawn O’Keefe, a smoldering blonde hottie who tries believing in abstinence, even though her heart and lower heart are sending mixed signals.

Teeth

After going swimming with a boy she’s sweet on, he gets his hot on seeing Dawn in that abstinence-free bathing suit and forces himself upon her. It’s here Dawn discovers she has an inner goddess — teeth in her womanly tool shed. And those of us without dentures know what teeth do.

Teeth

Dawn goes to a vaginacologist, who examines her. But what he’s really doing is tryin’ to get some. Snap! Cancel all the doctor’s appointments. Depressed and seeking comfort with a greasy classmate who has been trying to get jiggy wid it, she gets drunk and has sex with him and…the phone rings during the process and the boy brags to his buddy he won the bet. Of all the things to say at that moment, this wasn’t one of them. Snap!

Teeth

Then Dawn finds out her sick mother died while her punk rock/heavy metal brother was having improper relations with some romantical skank, leaving mom’s calls for help unanswered. Dawn knows what she must do — have sex with her brother, whom she’s intensely disliked every since he got tattoos and started smoking drugs and listening to non-Christian metal.

Teeth

The family moment lasts about one minute until… Snap! She calmy gets up and “releases” his Oscar Meyer on the floor where the brother’s pitbull… I’d rather not say.

Teeth

Teeth (2008) features from-the-waist-up sex and more sliced hot dogs than lunchtime at Nathan’s. So yeah, you’ll watch it, even though it’ll pain you to do so.

Haunted Casa

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 21, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Spirits

Any demonic possession movie that showcases the legendary Latino acting skills of Eric Estrada – who starred in the street-tough Homeboys From Outer Space and Extra-Large: Gonzales’ Revenge – can’t be entirely bad. Then again…

Spirits

In Spirits (1990), Eric – who plays a priest with right-side up crosses – gets sexed up in a dream sequence while a ghostly succubus uses language unbecoming of church, and opens a door in the basement in a haunted house to another dimension. (Unfortunately, it didn’t lead to a 7-Eleven™, a 24-hour convenient dimension/Heaven that is a gold mine of chilled and refreshing cans/bottles of adult juice.)

Spirits

A snooping psychic (Brinke Stevens) becomes possessed (by a ghost demon and/or refreshing cans/bottles of adult juice) and hammers nails into her own hands. Ouch, yet I felt it was necessary to the plot.

Spirits

All of Spirits verily sucks except Eric, so you may want to consider hammering nails into your own hands for more entertainment value. P.S. Don’t hammer nails into your hands. You might miss the nail and smack your fingers with the hammer. That would freakin’ hurt.

Aliens Taking A Crop

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , on June 19, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Silent Warnings

In the time waster Silent Warnings (2003), a nutbag survivalist in Oregon gets himself blown up real good while chasing aliens invading his remote farm.

Silent Warnings

So his cousin, just now graduating from college, rounds up five friends (three of which are supermodels) to clean up the inherited property, sell it, then probably buy drugs with which to get high.

Silent Warnings

These city hippies discover crop circles all over the farm’s cornfields and notice that everything is starting to smell electrical. Then there are the nightly visitations, abductions, then ultimately a confrontation with the aliens who are using crop circles as a means of transportation. A sort of Old McDonald Stargate, if you happen to be partially standing in a spot where the circles suddenly appear, you’re vertically cut in half, as illustrated with the Cuisinart-ing of one post-grad student.

Silent Warnings

By the time the sheriff arrives, everybody’s screaming and shooting at the aliens, neither of which are doing any good. Somebody figures out that iron is the only thing that’ll kill the spacey farmjackers. Once again, metal saves the day.

Silent Warnings

The aliens are digitally transposed into scenes and look like 1980s cartoon figures. I offered to put on an alien suit to scare the smug outta those thugs, but the movie’s producer said aliens don’t have beer guts. How the hell does he know? He ever been to Mars? I have. In fact I’m going there as soon as I gas up the ’ol Stargate.

7 Mummies Makes One Weak

Posted in Scream Queens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 18, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

7 Mummies

A half-dozen criminal convicts being transported across the Mexican desert manage to escape, taking the supermodel prison guard with them as hostage material.

Roasting under the blistering sun, they have nothing to drink except “land water” (dirt), no food, and no ChapStick™. Finding a gold medallion in the land dirt, the desert Holy Man (or “sand shaman”) tells them of more gold (specifically the ancient treasure of Tumacacori) than 10 men couldn’t spend in 10 lifetimes. I’ll take that challenge.

7 Mummies

All they have to do is keep walking until they get to a small old time-y western town. It’s there they’ll find their destinies. And hookers. (Destiny…hookers — same thing.) Besides looking out of time and place, there’s something not right with the dusty town.

7 Mummies

The criminals walk into the saloon, which looks straight out of the 1800s, and are offered free beer, food, and destiny hookers. Two things: Where is this town exactly so I can put in a change of address, and secondly, is there a local laundromat?

7 Mummies

Once the sun goes down, all of the supermodels and townsfolk turn into flesh-eating ghouls. They still look the same, but attack their guests as if free platters of Arby’s™ 5 for $5 roast beef sandwiches. A few manage to escape, but don’t leave town as they came for the gold.

7 Mummies

This business model is further complicated by the seven mummified Jesuit priests that leap to life to protect the gold. That they know how to do martial arts means that was either part of their religious training, or the movie sucks.

7 Mummies

So what have we/I learned about 7 Mummies (2005)? That gold is heavy, 400 year-old Jesuit priests can kick your ass, old time-y hookers have implants, a motorcycle can barely outrun a horse, and rap music sucks. But you/me already knew that.

Zombie ReZort

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , on June 15, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The ReZort

The ReZort, which is also being advertised as Generation Z (both dumb) is YET ANOTHER zombie movie wherein people pay to hunt and shoot zombies in a controlled and monitored environment. We already know how this is gonna end.

Here’s the plot: “The Rezort sets its story in a world after an almost-apocalyptic zombie outbreak. Humans have won the war and are exploring how humanity can recover after such a huge percentage of the population has been wiped out.”

“Humankind finally has the upper hand, but Melanie, who lost her entire family, is still deeply traumatized. In a bid to overcome the demons of her past, she goes on a zombie safari retreat. It is the ultimate in therapeutic revenge.”

Man, the undead cannot get a break these days. But I do like the idea of a zombie safari retreat. Most of those comes with snack bars with you as the snack. Heh.

Westworld

Of course the system goes down and the zombies escape and go on the snack attack. A few horror movie blogs are comparing The ReZort to Jurassic Park. Perhaps. However, try the 1973 sci-fi classic Westworld, where you pay to go to an Old West “town” and have shoot outs with  robot cowboy criminals dressed in black. All is good until the system goes down and the robot cowboy criminals start firing back.

Robot cowboy criminals are highly entertaining. Zombies – massively overdone and over used – not so much anymore.

P.S. No official release date yet for The ReZort. This gives them time to come up with a less crappy ad poster.

Sketchy Godzilla

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 14, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Art of Shin Godzilla

Wanna know what Godzilla is gonna look like when Godzilla: Resurgence opens this summer (2016 in case you’re reading this in 2017) in Japan? You can buy the book The Art of Shin Godzilla: Resurgence (releasing August 2016) through Hobby Link for $90+ pocket coupons.

The Art of Shin Godzilla

I know what you’re saying with a mouthful of something hopefully edible. If the book comes out the same time as the movie, why buy the book and just go see the cheaper movie instead? Because you’d have to go to Japan to see Godzilla: Resurgence as it won’t be released in your/my zip code until after summer. Going to Japan to see a movie is really expensive. (I’m looking in your direction, Cowby Bebop: The Movie/2001.)

Shin Godzilla

First announced by Skreeonk.com, an English kaiju website with awesome pics and G-news, The Art of Shin Godzilla: Resurgence shows us development concept drawings of the new Godzilla from Mahiro Maeda and proves that Shin Godzilla is way lots bigger than Godzilla/2014 (as I’ve repeatedly pointed out in previous bloggings).

Shin Godzilla

And in case you’re writing this down, Godzilla: Resurgence is co-directed by Hideaki Anno and Shinji Higuchi, the guys behind the scenes of the amazing Neon Genesis Evangelion and Attack on Titan animated TV series. In the States we call them “cartoons.”

Globally-Warmed Bugs

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 13, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Thaw

Thank you global warming for wrecking our planet. And after all we’ve done for you. Because of you, that parasitic infested woolly mammoth has defrosted, and one million (give or take) previously frozen prehistoric flesh-eating bugs have hatched and gotten into human orifices. That’s gratitude for you.

The Thaw

Dr. David Kruipen, an “Earth-first” kind of scientist, discovered the room-temperature mammal meat and its germs and, after watching it infect it’s way through his staff out in the field, decided it probably isn’t a good idea to let said disease get back to civilization. Too bad his estranged college-aged daughter doesn’t listen to him and flies out with several grad students to study infestation up close and, for some, really personal.

The Thaw

Once the little buggers get under your skin, red bumps and open sores show up all over your face and stomach, you itch yourself at socially-inconvenient times, you throw up like it was your first quart of Jagermeister™, you sweat on everything, then you die a horribly painful death, thereby hatching even more bugs. (Note: said crawlers look like the Motorhead version of caterpillars.)

The Thaw

The helicopter pilot discovers he caught the bug and in an “oh, crap” scene, has two people dope him up with morphine (standard research equipment), put a tourniquet just above the goal line, and chop off his infected arm with a meat cleaver (also standard equipment). The two things he needed to happen didn’t quite work out, with the knife getting stuck halfway through the former arm and the discount amputation not getting all of the infection. Sucks to be him.

The Thaw

In order to make the world understand the threat, the good ’old doc infects himself and plans on being the only one evacuated. His reasoning being that, yeah, a few hundred thousand may die, but this is a valuable lesson for us all to stop making the atmosphere so toxic with our SUVs and party flatulence. But the doc’s daughter has a different ending in mind — and it’s just what the doctor didn’t order.

The Thaw (2009), though a decent “bug up your butt” movie, could use a little less moralizing and a bit more meat cleaver. And some Raid™.