Put Your Teeth Into Love

Teeth

The problem with being a high school female spokesperson for The Promise, a Christian abstinence group, is that your pitch is only believable if you’re south of good looking. Not so for Dawn O’Keefe, a smoldering blonde hottie who tries believing in abstinence, even though her heart and lower heart are sending mixed signals.

Teeth

After going swimming with a boy she’s sweet on, he gets his hot on seeing Dawn in that abstinence-free bathing suit and forces himself upon her. It’s here Dawn discovers she has an inner goddess — teeth in her womanly tool shed. And those of us without dentures know what teeth do.

Teeth

Dawn goes to a vaginacologist, who examines her. But what he’s really doing is tryin’ to get some. Snap! Cancel all the doctor’s appointments. Depressed and seeking comfort with a greasy classmate who has been trying to get jiggy wid it, she gets drunk and has sex with him and…the phone rings during the process and the boy brags to his buddy he won the bet. Of all the things to say at that moment, this wasn’t one of them. Snap!

Teeth

Then Dawn finds out her sick mother died while her punk rock/heavy metal brother was having improper relations with some romantical skank, leaving mom’s calls for help unanswered. Dawn knows what she must do — have sex with her brother, whom she’s intensely disliked every since he got tattoos and started smoking drugs and listening to non-Christian metal.

Teeth

The family moment lasts about one minute until… Snap! She calmy gets up and “releases” his Oscar Meyer on the floor where the brother’s pitbull… I’d rather not say.

Teeth

Teeth (2008) features from-the-waist-up sex and more sliced hot dogs than lunchtime at Nathan’s. So yeah, you’ll watch it, even though it’ll pain you to do so.

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