The Tooth Is Out There

Sabretooth

In the plaintively titled Sabertooth (2002), YET ANOTHER science lab is doing YET ANOTHER genetic experiment on prehistoric DNA samples. Everybody used to copy Alien (1979), Now they just copy Jurassic Park (1993). Oh sure, they’ll figure out how to grow a sabretooth tiger in a mayonnaise jar, but they can’t cure a hangover. Why do we keep giving scientists tax breaks and new white coats?

Sabretooth

Of course the tiger gets loose and goes into the woods to crap and eat people. Not necessarily in that order. Enter David Keith, a no-nonsense big game hunter hired by the lab to bring the prehistoric cat back alive. Easier theorized than accomplished. To add color (red) to the linear plot, a team of camp counseling trainees go into the woods to learn how to keep underprivileged kids from being eaten by punk rock bears or wood sharks. We’ll call these people “appetizers.”

SabretoothThe visually pleasing Vanessa Angel works for the lab and is protecting the sabretooth so that she can reap lots of taxable income. But David Keith wants to kill that toothy furball because its been killing everyone else. This is what we call a conflict of interest.

Sabretooth

One of the trainees has two large knives, which he uses to sword fight the sabretooth. For that he deserves to die. And he does. Outside of Keith, everyone deserves to die. And they do. As for the sabretooth tiger, while it might be able to brush its teeth easily since they’re hanging out of its mouth, the rest of the digitally-made beast isn’t even cool enough to be a stuffed animal at the county fair where you have to knock over three milk bottles with lead weights in ’em to win. That game is totally rigged.

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