Hey, You Hellhounds – Get Off My Lawn
Kleitos loves Demetria, so he marries her. This makes Theron so jealous mad, he poisons her wedding wine and she dies. Everyone could’ve called it a day right there, but Kleitos learns from a local witch with an overbite that Demetria’s soul is hung up in Purgatory, awaiting to be wed by Hades himself. Well, dang.
Kleitos, doing the man-up thing, leads his finest warriors (including that butt-sausage Theron) to the volcano that acts as the doorway to Hell. (There’s no address, but the name on the mailbox tells ’em they’re in the right place.) Sipping some witch elixir, they’re able to pass through the flames, which would normally turn marshmallows into black goo.
Once inside they have to circumnavigate the endless maze in search of Demetria. (Note: They brought her body along and left it outside in the hopes that when her soul gets close to it, it’ll jump back inside. Better hurry — they don’t call it lividity for nothing.)
Inside the maze are a couple of devil dogs, or “hellhounds.” They look like regular hounds, only these pups feast on human flesh. Avoiding stepping in anything (if you catch my drift) the sword boys manage to find Demetria, but lose a couple of expendable warriors to snapping dog jaws (off screen) who had no lines. Wouldn’t be right to have the lead guy or girl scarfed up just yet.
Knowing he’s about to be outed, Theron ambushes Kleitos and leaves him to the dogs. Then he goes outside and says stuff like, “He fought valiantly.” Imagine the look on Theron’s face when Kleitos escapes and stumbles out of the cave. Well, dang. Theron cops to the crime and does battle with Kleitos, only to die after eating a sword sandwich.
Theron wakes up in (wait for it) Hell, only to find Hades is pulling his large intestines out with a crankshaft. A deal is made: Theron will be allowed to walk among the living and must return Hades’ bashful bride if he wants his internal organs left un-yanked. And he gets to take the dogs with him.
The trail is easy to follow, as Demetria’s soul keeps wanting to float out of her weakened body and head for a shopping mall. The witch says she must drink the blood of Hades mixed with some sort of magic invisible spring water in order to put the cork back on her soul. Fine, but how the heck is one supposed to find a magic invisible spring? By feeling the ground for a wet spot?
They gotta snap to it as the hounds of Hell are right on their heels. Since Hellhounds (2009) is first and foremost a love story (with a few internal organs tossed in for flavor) you know how it’s gonna end.
Most everyone gets eaten alive (off screen) by the dogs, and Theron goes back to the screamy place to face his punishment. And Kleitos goes back to power smooching Demetria. And Hades goes back to doing what he does best, which is pulling torso taffy. And yet despite that, it all pretty much stinks.