Bored With The Horde

The Horde

News of zombie horror flick The Horde, releasing on DVD/VOD on May 6, 2016, is one of those “you’ve got to be kidding me” moments. First the plot, then a supportive argument, though you won’t need it…

“John Crenshaw has given up his life as leader of his Navy SEAL team to settle down and marry his girlfriend Selina. He accompanies Selina and her students on a weekend nature-photography expedition deep into the Oregon woods. What starts out as an educational and fun-filled weekend turns into horror as the group is besieged by an unspeakable evil – a horde of hideously disfigured, mutated humans with an insatiable taste for blood.”

Educational and fun-filled weekend? I’ve never heard a honeymoon quite described like that.

La Horde

Okay, let’s lift the hood and see where the problem is. First, there is already a French zombie movie called La Horde (2010), a superior one at that. (There’s also a 2012 Russian fictionalized narrative called The Horde of how Saint Alexius healed Taidula Khatun, the mother of the Golden Horde Khan Jani Beg from blindness. Of course I knew that.)

Secondly, using a Navy SEAL to battle zombies was just done in 2015: Navy SEALS vs. Zombies. (The SEALS kick ass, but to employ them here is an insult.)

Navy SEALS vs Zombies

Thirdly, the rest of the plot reads like an episode of The Walking Dead: “The horde savagely attacks the camp. John fights off some and is left for dead as the creatures, led by the sadistic Atkinson, take Selina and the group back to their camp. Battered and enraged Crenshaw must once again embrace the life he left behind to track down and kill the horde. With unrelenting danger around every corner he must deal with the savage mutants and human deceit.”

Lastly, the kicker line: “Fight Back or Die.” Seriously? Did someone get paid to come up with that? I so, I hope the check bounced.

Does anyone have a shred of zombie originality anymore? This is an argument aimed at 99% of all the undead crap clogging up humanity’s plumbing. (I’m looking in your direction, Fear of the Walking Dead.)

Message to filmmakers – send me $715.00 in small unmarked bills and I’ll hook you up with a sweet and original zombie movie idea that doesn’t fall back on a lazy title, Navy SEALS or photocopied plots.

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