Outer Space Odd Couple

Space pilot Willis Davidge and his enemy – a frog-faced Drac fighter pilot – both crash on the ninth dirtball from the sun after a zinging laser battle. This sets up the movie’s scenario as they both have to work together to survive the hostile planet – rain comes in the form of flaming meteors, bed bugs are the size of Space Chevy hubcaps, and there’s no 7-Elevens™ as far as their future binoculars can see.

Slowly, they learn each other’s native tongue and soon they’re talking, arguing and fighting as if two mismatched New York roommates. And they’re forced to eat large Trilobite bugs instead of hamburgers. One day the unwashed Davidge goes in search of anything else edible on the barren planet and happens across garbage left by outlaw miners who use Dracs as slave labor to dig up e-commerce rocks.

When Davidge goes back to tell his unlikely buddy, he finds out the Drac is pregnant. Seems Dracs are both male and female and reproduce spontaneously. (I can only imagine the arguments that go on inside its head.) The Drac, who is also dying, makes Davidge promise to recite his kid’s lineage in front of the Draconian High Council — and he has to do it in the Drac native tongue and it has to include all 170 family members’ names. The only thing less painful would be if a Trilobite ate Davidge’s head off.

When Zammis (way dumb space name) is born, he looks like a slug. To complicate matters, the outlaw miners come back several years later when Zammis is but a mere tadpole. Guess who captures the little lily pad jumper?

Odd, occasionally cheesy, and mildly entertaining, Enemy Mine (1985) does have a few cool moments. Drac looks appropritely neat as a reptilian creature, and when he talks it sounds like he’s gargling chocolate Trilobite milk. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must go recite (throw up) my lineage (last night’s beer binge) before the High Council (porcelain throne).