Earth-First Zombies

Severed – Forest of the Dead

Severed – Forest of the Dead (2005) purports to answer the age-old question: if hippies in the woods are being eaten by zombies, would they make a sound? The answer is, of course, hell yeah!

Severed – Forest of the Dead

In a bid to make trees grow faster so they can be cut down more often (thereby generating fun bucks for the corporation that’s harvesting old growth forest sticks), scientists inject ’em with a bio-chemical growth hormone. (I think my doctor is one of these guys.)

Severed – Forest of the Dead

But like any science experiment with breakable test tubes, you gotta have drama. Enter a bunch of tree-hugging, bean sucking, Earth-firsters trying to block the lumberjacks with highly-efficient signs and “bummer, dude” rhetoric. Yeah, right; like a hippie is gonna stop a top of the line MS 880 Stihl Magnum™ Chainsaw. With his face, maybe.

Severed – Forest of the Dead

To thwart the loggers the insubordinate slackers spike the trees so that when the chainsaw hits it, the “solves all problems” machine breaks. Only this time the saw kicks back and slices into the shoulder of a logger who was simply doing the forest a favor by cutting down a tree that more than likely had two dozen poisonous squirrels living amongst its branches.

Severed – Forest of the Dead

The tree sap, mutated by the chemical, gets into the man’s bloodstream and turns him into a flesh-eater in less time than it takes to say, “Timber, muthaf*ckas!” He bites another guy, who then bites another. You can see where this is going.

Severed – Forest of the Dead

It’s here where one of the best scenes happens: hippies, earlier chaining themselves to trees marked for cutting, can’t get loose and are screaming their stink faces off as the zombies come crawlin’. You couldn’t save the trees, so how you gonna save yourself, b*tch? Man, nothin’ beats the sound of screaming hippies (heard as often as I drive on the sidewalk).

In the end, thankfully, it’s a full plate undead smörgåsbord. Someone finally found a way to make hippies cool – turn ’em into zombies! How groovy is that?

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