Aliens, Zombies, Ghosts, Frogs & Hippies

10 Cloverfield Lane

Always look forward to the avalanche of post-holiday upcoming horror/sci-fi movies  every year. Why? More couch/snack time, b*tches! You wouldn’t want me to deny the couch the glory of my glory, would you? I sure as flip hope not.

Cloverfield

Anyway, a preview of six new impending new ones, starting with the tantalizing 10 Cloverfield Lane (March 11, 2016), which many Internet butt trolls are insisting is a sequel to 2008’s mega cool monster movie, Cloverfield. (The same thing was theorized about Super 8/2011).It’s made by the same guy, so there’s a legit connection. Plus it has the word “Cloverfield” in it, yet another “clue.”

Super 8

But other than those enigmatic ads, you really don’t get a sense of what the flip. The only fact for certain is they didn’t hire me as an extra. Those nobs.

Alienated

Up next is Alienated, due out March 25 theaters/March 31 VOD. Here’s the who/what/where on the dealio: “Alienated is a science-fiction chiller that tells the story of a married couple forced to confront their fatal relationship issues while on the brink of a possible alien abduction.”

I can guess what their problem is: Not enough probing, followed by too much probing. Marriages and exploratory extraterrestrials don’t really mix. Unless you live in a trailer park.

Dead Afterlife

Dead Afterlife is a sci-fi/ghost/zombie/religion/drug movie releasing sometime in 2016. Here’s what the studio’s front desk told me about it to get me to quit calling: “Imagine watching your own funeral as a ghost and then the unthinkable happens, your undead body climbs out of your coffin and starts killing and eating your friends and family. What would you do?”

That’s an easy one – I’d sh*t my pants, then immediately head to the nearest gas station restroom to freshen up. But they go on to say that after pharmaceutical scientist, Donald Conlee dies, his problems are just beginning. “The Gatekeeper has given Donald a time limit to return his zombie self to the ground – or else his soul can never gain access into Heaven. To complicate matters, he finds out his murderer is at the funeral and his girlfriend is in grave danger.”

Don’t you mean “former girlfriend”? If she was smart, she’d be re-hooked up the second the last shovel full of dirt sealed the deal.

Bad Blood

More drugs with Bad Blood (March, 2006). Frogs, too. (Not sure, but I think I overheard some hippies talking about licking frogs to get high. When you stick a reptile in your mouth, you pretty much deserve what you get.) Anyway…

“Parents suspect drugs are behind their missing daughter and hire a private investigator to get her back. The reality, however, is much worse – a horrific amphibian attack has left the girl infected with a mutagenic disease.”

Hey hippies – try licking the diseased daughter and see where that’ll take your mind, you morons.

The Darkness

The painfully generic titled The Darkness (May 13, 2016) is about a supernatural whozit who pretty much does what all supernatural whozits do: “As a family returns from a vacation they innocently bring home a supernatural force that preys off their own fears and vulnerabilities, threatening to destroy them from within while consuming their lives with terrifying consequences.

YOL. (Yawn out loud.)

The Other Side of the Door

The Other Side of the Door (March 4, 2016) comes across as YET ANOTHER spin on the ‘ol Monkey’s Paw dealio, best done as Pet Sematary back in 1983: “A mother lost her son and discovers a ritual that lets her say goodbye to her dead child and mistakenly opens the veil between the dead and this world. Now she has to risk all to save her family from the spirit that was her dear son.”

I bet the ritual came with a chant to resurrect her dead kid: “Clean your room, eat your vegetables, quit killing your sister…”

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