The Vampire Who Wasn’t A Vampire

The Vampire

In 1957’s The Vampire (misleading title), science proves that you don’t have to get sucked by Dracula or any of his “children of the night” in order to become a blood-guzzling monster. All you have to do is pop a couple of vampire blood pills and presto – neck hickey time!

The Vampire

Can’t get vampire blood pills without a prescription, so you’ll have to go to Dr. Campbell, whose been experimenting with bat blood. Why? We will never fully know as doc died. (I’d tell you how, but like old mayonnaise, it’s a spoiler.)

The Vampire

Fellow physician Dr. Beecher arrives too late to save Campbell, but he did snag some pills laying around the lab for later study. Too bad Beecher has migraines. Too bad his young daughter mistook the blood pills for aspirin and gave ’em to dad. Too bad Beecher took a handful of ‘em. Too bad for his victims when the pills make him black out and he turns into a face mutated killing machine.

The Vampire

But like every junkie looking for a fix, Beecher goes back to the Campbell’s lab for a hook-up and practically trips over two other docs going through files, and keeps Beecher from chasing the dragon. You can guess what happens, especially when you notice ‘ol Doc Campbell had an incinerator in the lab, big enough to dispose of failed experiments and size 40 evidence.

The Vampire

Beech Boy keeps taking the pills as his headaches are getting worse, as does his nightly monsterizing. Thank a relentless local detective whose honing in on Beechy. So much so, he interrupts the doc monster as he’s trying his best to kill his supermodel office assistant – the same one the cop earlier asked out on a date! (After the rescue, she’ll have to put it on the glass for him.)

The Vampire

A foot chase through nearby woods doesn’t end well for Dr. Beecher, a once nice guy who only wanted some aspirin for a headache. Too bad aspirin doesn’t cure bullets.

So what are we to take away from all of this? Don’t do blood drugs. Unless you’re already a vampire. Even then, by prescription only.

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