Archive for February, 2016

Old Testament Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 20, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Abominable Dr. Phibes

The horribly disfigured Dr. Anton Phibes was three things before that car crash back in 1921. (He was racing to the hospital to be by his wife’s side who died to death on the operating table before Phibes could get there.) 1. He was an expert in theology, the study of God and religious gunk. 2. He was an expert in music, and even built a robo-band in his secret hideaway to accompany his piped organ. 3. He was a master of revenge, setting ingenious traps inspired by the Old Testament’s ten plagues of Egypt on the doctors who failed to keep his gorgeous wife from freshness expiring. It’s clear who Jigsaw’s mentor is.

The Abominable Dr. Phibes

Even though he was presumed dead, Phibes somehow managed to survive and has plotted his plot every since. He can’t talk as he drank a fiery gasoline cocktail that fried his larynx. But he can stick a plug into his neck that runs into an speaker to converse through his damaged yapper. Clearly, Tom Waits has a mentor.

The Abominable Dr. Phibes

Phibes also has a hottie assistant named Vulnavia who is mute, the best kind of assistant to have. They conspire to track down the physicians and exact vengeance in the corresponding ten plagues, which includes – but is not limited to – bats, frogs, locusts and…dripping acid. I’m not up on bible stuff, but if Moses used acid on the Pharaoh, that would totally kick scripture.

The Abominable Dr. Phibes

One by one the doctors are luridly discharged from life, while Phibes celebrates by blow-torching wax head likenesses of his victims. His robo-band – Dr. Phibes’ Clockwork Wizards (cool name; I’d buy their album) – provides a nice big band jazz-y soundtrack. But all of this is forming clues as apparent to Scotland Yard’s Inspector Trout. (Insert your own joke here.)

The Abominable Dr. Phibes

Phibes, though, is saving the best death for Dr. Vesalius, the head physician who preceded over Victoria’s failed surgery. Capturing Vesalius’ son, Phibes straps the boy to a surgical table in the basement of his mega-mansion, with a coiled tube full of skin-melting acid making it’s way towards the boy’s unhappy face. Vesalius is called to the trap and has six minutes to surgically extract a key from the unconscious boy’s torso, which will unlock the locks holding him to the table. (You may recall this similar scene employed in 2004’s Saw.)

The Abominable Dr. Phibes

While Vesalius is operating and sweating like an Old testament pig, Phibes, through his robo-throat, confesses what this is all about. His ultimate goal is to seal himself in a coffin that holds his wife’s preserved body in a shiny pajama robe, and descend under the floor of his mega-mansion while Vulnavia destroys the Clockwork Wizards. (She need not bother; music critics already did that, calling their music “stiff and lifeless.” Ouch.)

The Abominable Dr. Phibes

The Abominable Dr. Phibes (1971) is great black horror comedy, raising the bar on revenge and giving an homage nod to The Phantom of the Opera (1925). Better yet, I hear the unspeaking Vulnavia is single – mute button included.

Pyro Python

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 19, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Fire Serpent

When the sun farts, the earth smells it, and gives us a taste of what it had for breakfast, oh, about a billion years ago. It takes eight minutes for the light and heat of the sun to reach our beaches. But through the magic of television, it gets here in eight seconds.

But it isn’t heat the sun just instant messaged us with – it’s a fired-up life-form that’s seeking fuel (i.e., snacks) to stoke the burning flames of hunger within. (Excellent fire metaphor – swish!)

Fire Serpent

The flame entity can get inside your body and use it to do cool stuff like shoot heat flames out of the owners’ eyeballs and burn people in half, which it does. It can also go up poles and along wires, and occasionally take the form of a dragon with a mouth and teeth. What fire needs with teeth, I’m not sure; I’ll study the sun later by staring at it intently for an hour for clues.

Fire Serpent

The government knows about these fire creatures and once caught one ’ol hot heads. Speaking of, the head Fed thinks its a divination from the bible (Leviticus 10:1), and is trying to help it fulfill its prophecy, which is to cook everything on high.

Fire Serpent

Dutch, a retired firefighter, has been stalking the entity for decades, every since it burnt up his chick girlfriend. That made him really hot under the collar. (Dutch is played by Randy Mantooth, who starred in the ’70s TV series, Emergency, where he was a fireman. This is how he got the part, because he had previous experience with flames.)

A modern firefighter is coached by Mantooth (again, darn cool name) after his best friend died from a flame-y explosion caused by the Fire Serpent. Then there’s a hot chick Federal agent whose hot on the trail of everyone.

Fire Serpent

The title creature in Fire Serpent (2007) looks like flatulence after you light it. The acting, while not terribly painful to watch, is serviceable. The story line seemed over complicated, but a nice departure from all the brain-dead crap I normally watch. Forgettable sci-fi, but it was cool to see Sir Mantooth back in action.

Frankenstein Created Bikers

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Werewolves, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 18, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Frakenstein Created Bikers

Frankenstein Created Bikers. Great movie title. Better still is the trailer for this “coming soon” (sometime in 2016) grindhouse offering: boobies, gore, explosions, tattoos, bikers with tattoos, guns, monsters, and some smacko foot to the face MMA action. Only thing missing is me!

Frankenstein Created Bikers

Here’s what’s on the movie’s highway to Hell…

“A resurrected outlaw biker finds himself addicted to the substance that brought him back from the grave. In order to get his daily fix, his gang is forced to do the bidding of two sadistic scientists attempting to capture a biological mutation and perform a human head transplant on kidnapped teenagers.”

Frankenstein Created Bikers

“When his disgruntled ex-girlfriend is released from prison, she embarks on an explosive manhunt for her former lover and his strung-out pack of degenerates. With three dysfunctional bounty hunters, a rival motorcycle gang and an army of machine-gun toting strippers, it becomes a race against law-enforcement for bragging rights to the gang leader’s demise.”

Says the back-from-the-dead biker: “There is no hope…no God…no salvation here. Only pain.” Sounds like he just described my last hard drinking night.

Werewolves on Wheels

Monsters on motorcycles is not a new concept. One must only turn back the pages of time to 1971 when the world was given the gift of Werewolves on Wheels. That one had boobies, blood rituals, black robed monks, satanic rituals, booze, and bikers who thumbed their beards at road safety. Only thing missing was me!

Werewolves on Wheels

Frank ’n Wolf

Posted in Classic Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 17, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man

Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man (1943) was a box office masterstroke, pitting two of the world’s greatest monsters in a no-disqualifications battle royale. Although considered a horror classic, look under the marquee and you’ll see it wasn’t as epic as the title promised.

Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man

Yeah, everyone thought Larry Talbot, the beleaguered werewolf, died at the end of The Wolf Man (1941). Even the grave robbers looking to pilfer the tomb of Talbot thought so. That is until they popped the top and allowed the light of the full moon to revive Larry’s corpse, enabling him to go on a throat-ripping spree.

Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man

He’s put in hospital by ranting and raving he’s responsible for the community throat-ripping while in wolf form. Oh, Larry – you so crazy! Gooned out to the point of having to go through all those hairy experiences again, Larry breaks out and seeks Maleva, the old gypsy woman whose wolf-y son bit Talbot’s tummy and passed along the curse. She tells him there is no cure, but might know someone who does. So off they go by horse and buggy from London to Germany. That’s around 700 miles. Long time to be sitting next to a ticking time bomb.

Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man

Arriving in Germany, Larry and Maleva ask around town about Dr. Frankenstein, who just happens to have a working knowledge of life and death. More so with death as he died. This makes Larry super bummed. He then gets the idea to root around the semi destroyed Castle Frankenstein (Sorry – spoiler. It was ka-BOOMED back in 1931) for the dead doc’s diary to see if there’s a way to end his immortality.

Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man

It’s here he stumbles across Frankenstein’s monster encased in ice. Pretty cold and snowy in them there parts, even though the lowlands are quite weather agreeable. Not the lowland residents, though. Doesn’t take much to get them in the mood for a little pitchforkin’.

Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man

Larry and Frank break the ice and become allies of sorts. The monster tries to show him where the diary is, but to no avail. Heading into town, Larry fakes a land purchase so he can meet the super hot Baroness Elsa Frankenstein and perhaps get clues to the diary’s whereabouts. About this time Larry’s London doc, who had been trailing him, shows up. Then the monster wanders into town, getting everybody super freaked. They all barely escape the pitchfork and head to the castle.

Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man

NOW we get to the juice. The diary is located, the doctor reassembles the machinery and figures out how to reverse the polarity of electricity on the wired patients and… Dang, he just can’t do it as he suddenly gets a God Complex and wants to make the monster even stronger. As it happens when you mix electricity with monsters on a full moon night, you have problems.

Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man

Larry furs up and the two abominations go at it. And here’s where slight disappointment sets in. The monumental battle only lasts 60 seconds, with Franklin throwing the Wolf Man around like a stuffed animal. But I’ll give this to Larry; the boy is quick and agile. While they lock up, one of the villagers lights a pile of dynamite at the foot of the damn the castle is built in front of, thereby releasing the damn’s contents and destroying the rest of the castle and the monsters with it. I think the handsome doc and hot Baroness made it out safely and probably hooked up. I’m fine with that.

FYI: This is not the original Frankenstein’s monster. Dracula played the mute creature this time around. Cool, but not as cool as the original.

Showdown With A Vampire

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 15, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Curse of the Undead

What do you get when you cross a vampire with a western set in the 1880s? Butchered Cassidy and the Sun-blanched Kid? The Good, The Bad, And The Toothy? The Man Who Impaled Liberty Valance? Kinda. What you really get is Curse of the Undead (1959), an unusual but cowboy dialogue-rich western with a vampire as the man in black bloodslinger. (Heh.)

Curse of the UndeadAs odd as this one is, it’s oddly mesmerizing, not because the vampire is a hired gun and can walk in the sunlight (though it hurts his eyeballs); It’s the amazing dialogue that bites good and hard. But I’ll get to that.

Curse of the Undead

A disease is killing of young girls in a paint-by-numbers old west town. This is further escalated when Doc Carter, thinking he’s got a boot in front of the virus, loses yet another patient. To complicate matters, Buffer, a neighboring bully rancher, has been cattle blocking the Carter farm, denying them water for their milk makers. The no-pushover sheriff intervenes in a bar where Buffer and his boot buddies are gettin’ their whiskey on. What follows is a pure cowboy word beatin’…

Curse of the Undead

“You blow real hard when you got those laughing hyenas around you…” “I got two choices – either arrest ya or shoot ya. Either one would suit me fine. So draw your gun or shut your mouth…” “You want Doc Carter’s spread like your mouth has been doin’…” 

Curse of the Undead

There’s even better stuff when Doc Carter gets vamped, his teen kid, thinking that Buff did it and got all fired up like a cow brand, fixes to shoot Buff Stuff dead in the mouth. But not before six or seven shots of whiskey…

“Nothin’ you can do bothers me ’cause I know you’re talkin’ out of a bottle…” “This gun don’t care who it shoots…” “Why don’t you two stop this manure spreadin’?

Man, that last one’s my new catch-phrase. And it works for any occasion!

Curse of the Undead

So where’s the vampire while all this manure spreadin’ is going on? Watching from the sidelines. Introducing himself as Drake Robey, he answers the $100 reward poster offered by the last surviving Carter sibling after big mouth Timmy is shot by Buffer, right smack in the saloon. (Legal note: Buffer was not indicted; Tim Tim drew first, but Buffer drew firster.)

There’s a diary narrated back story about how Drake came to be a vampire, something about killing his brother in the back for making lips with his wife, then killing himself with possibly the same knife. Cursed, he now roams the land as dressed in black mercenary.

Curse of the Undead

Delores Carter, left to carry on the family name, hires Drake to put Buffer out of everyone’s misery. But the local preacher, with a holy cross button “made from the thorns of the crucifixion” (he got it on eBay™) discovers Drakes secret and challenges him to a showdown in the streets. Let’s just say the preacher got Drake to “button” his lips.

Curse of the Undead

Great fun for classic western action, but a dud with the vampire stuff, which was depicted as three people with the two bite holes in their necks and Drake, without so much as a crooked tooth, acting less a cursed member of the undead and more like a paranormal pistol packer.

For another odd vampire western, try Billy The Kid vs. Dracula (1966). The plot is pure spread manure.

Drac is Back

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 14, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Return of Dracula

The Return of Dracula (1958) is neither. You read me correctly – this IMPOSTER is NOT Dracula (he doesn’t even have pointy teeth, for neck’s sake), and he doesn’t do anything that would make you think he was a vampire other than have an aversion to sunlight, no reflection and a weirdo foreign accent.

The Return of Dracula

Furthering the rant, this thing was released to theaters as The Fantastic Disappearing Man. That makes more sense as he’s more of a walk-on character than the sucker of souls.

The Return of Dracula

This stake fake killed a man (off screen) on a train who was traveling from Czechoslovakia to California to visit a lady cousin with a distractingly perky young teen daughter and assumed the victim’s identity. Belak Gordal (aka, artificial Dracula), is welcomed into the cousin’s home and lies his way through family history and is given free room and board. I’ll say this for Belak – he’s got míče.

The Return of Dracula

Rachel, the hot young daughter, is smitten with their guest. Probably because she’s easily impressed by foreign accents. But Belak (that name sounds so fake) disappears during the day, sleeping in a coffin in a nearby abandoned mining cave. When he does come out at night he preys on local Rachel’s “time to take her to DisneyLand™” sick friend and doing what nature was gonna do anyway.

The Return of Dracula

All of this is just treading water as there is no depiction of neck ripping and/or the sucking of neck drippings. Tim, Rachel’s boyfriend (who seems to be more of a chauffeur for her constant to and fros, follows his bewitched honey to the cave where Belak was waiting to some serious G-rated stuff to/on her. He heroes up just enough to have the tedious action end with Drac/Belak falling into a mine hole and landing nicely on a protruding wooden stick thing.

The Return of Dracula

A potential note of interest: The Return of Dracula is filmed in belak and white (heh), but for one brief second, a scene showing bloody red blood is flashed. That trick was also used at the end of War of the Colossal Beast (1958) when the grayscale’d monster grabbed high-voltage power lines and lit himself up in day-glo life-ending color.P.S. Don’t grab high-voltage power lines.

Will The Last Man On Earth Please Turn Out The Lights?

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 13, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Last Man on Earth

If it weren’t for those infected vampire zombies mucking things up, then the not infected Dr. Robert Morgan (Vincent Price) would certainly be the last man on Earth. Just when you think you can finally get some peace and quiet…

The Last Man on Earth

Dr. Rob is a scientist in The Last Man on Earth (1964) who tried to stop that viral plague from wiping out nearly the entire planet’s population by making everyone sneeze and cough themselves to death – including his wife and young daughter.

Now a widower who doesn’t have to worry about child support, the Earth-first doc spends his days loading rotting bodies into his station wagon and hauling ’em to a proper burial site, i.e., a burning car tire dump. Then there’s the irony of him hunting the vampire zombies and hammering stakes into their day-sleeping bodies – they need to go to the dump as well. Beats sitting around and reading.

The Last Man on Earth

He has to get the job done by nightfall as the staggering zombies awake and swarm his house while half-assedly whacking it with boards and calling his name to come out. You see, they want his uninfected blood. Probably tastes better than the city park raccoons they’ve been sucking on.

The Last Man on Earth

For the most part Dr. Rob keeps the zombies at bay with garlic and mirrors on the front door. (Zombies/vampires don’t like/can’t see their own reflections and therefore smash the mirrors, which forces Rob to keep shoplifting for new ones.) When he sleeps, Rob plays popular music really loud to distract from the incessant zombie clattering. Then he has dreams of the plague taking out the world and family. In one kinda grisly flashback, he sees the military collecting the dead bodies and throwing them into the aforementioned burning landfill – including his daughter. Harsh biscuits.

The Last Man on Earth

One day Rob comes across an uninfected chick. Well, hey – time to slap on some aftershave and get this party started! Turns out she’s a member of a posse still living by undergoing injections that make the blood bacteria dormant, but only for a while. Sucks to be them. After much yapping, he injects her with some of his inner goop to see if it will be a cure, never minding the mixing of opposing blood types that could kill her. (That’s why he’s a doctor and I’m not.)

The Last Man on Earth

The “cure” works, but her gang – along with the vampire zombies – chase and corner Dr. Rob in a church, where they… I already gave away 99% of the movie; do you seriously want me to wreck the ending? (Spoiler – watch the remake The Omega Man (1971) with Charleton Heston – it ends the same way.)

The Last Man on Earth

So how come Dr. Rob was immune to the plague in the first place? He was bitten by an infected vampire bat when he was stationed in Panama, which introduced a diluted form of the plague into his blood. Duh.

The Last Man on Earth

P.S. Try your best not to confuse this movie with The Last Man on Earth (1924) and The Last Man on Earth (2011). In case you’re writing this down: I Am Legend, also the same story, was released in 2007. Duh.