Archive for January, 2016

The Moon is a Conspiracy

Posted in Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 19, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Operation Avalanche

Of the funniest things on YouTube™ are the conspiracy theory videos, everything from the Kennedy assassination (the CIA did it) and 911 (George Bush did it), to UFO denial (the military keeps doing it) and the best of ’em all, how the Apollo moon landing on July 20, 1969 was faked. (Pffft – the astronauts were real; it’s the moon that was faked.)

Room 237

According to the Internet, legendary filmmaker Stanley Kubrick, who did The Shining, was hired by NASA to stage the entire thing as we didn’t have the technology to pull it off in 1969. In fact, the 2013 documentary Room 237 is an exhaustive analysis about how Kubrick hid hints in The Shining about his involvement in the cover-up that still endures to this day at fever pitch.

Operation Avalanche

How fun for the rest of us who are greatly amused and entertained by all of this that there are two new movies about the faked moon deal. Operation Avalanche (2016) goes like this: “In 1967, four undercover CIA agents were sent to NASA posing as a documentary film crew. What they discovered led to one of the biggest conspiracies in American history.”

Moonwalkers

Then there’s Moonwalkers (2015), starring none other than Harry Potter’s favorite ginger, Ron Weasley. Here’s how that one goes: “After failing to locate the legendary Stanley Kubrick, an unstable CIA agent (Ron Perlman) must instead team up with a seedy rock band manager (Rupert Grint) to develop the biggest con of all time-staging the moon landing.”

Faked

This is all so flippin’ cool and a veritable fountain of validation for all those faked moon landing nutbags who have spent countless hours/years clicking around the Internet for “proof” of something that happened 47 years ago. (Note to nutbags – don’t stop busting NASA’s chops; I’m loving every second of it.)

The Last Shark

Posted in Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on January 18, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Last Shark

A great white shark is making a menu out of the residents out of a the coastal town hosting vacationing summer crowds arriving in droves to pee in the ocean.

The Last Shark

Sound familiar? Sure it does; you’re gonna say Jaws (1975). Good for you – have a cookie. But before you choke on it, consider this – that’s actually the plot of The Last Shark (aka, L’ultimo squalo and Great White, an Italian Jaws note-for-note knock-off made in 1981. So close was the movie’s premise, the filmmakers were rightfully sued for plagiarism and got the carbon copy banned from being released.

The Last Shark

But thanks to the Internet and illegally booted copies, The Last Shark is available for your chewing pleasure. And what a pleasure it is, seeing just how bad the Italians could screw up a movie about a people-eating shark.

The Last Shark

Port Harbor’s local windsurfers are this week’s buffet and something or other has to be done about it. Enter Author Peter Benton (clearly fashioned after Jaws author Peter Benchley) and professional shark hunter Ron Hammer (awesome name) to smack some dorsal fin. Not so fast, fellas – the headline hungry governor William Wells rejects the idea that a shark with an equal hunger is theorized to chow its way through the upcoming windsurfing regatta. To cancel said festive event would be to swallow his gubernatorial campaign whole. Another classic Republican maneuver.

The Last Shark

The shark, lured by steaks and spare ribs (not making that up), takes the bait and goes in for seconds, which is spectacularly served up on a raft full of ocean-going screamers about to pollute the water. There’s dynamite, human entrées, face-punching, helicopters, and best of all, the last shark vertically popping up and kinda hanging there as if standing on Flipper’s shoulders.

You owe it to yourself to watch The Last Shark, if anything to remind oneself why Jaws is the first and last word in swimmer sushi.

Talking Gargoyles

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , on January 14, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Gargoyles

Gargoyles aren’t just for curb appeal and for rain to goosh out of ornate cement orifices. They can also be the subject of hilariously goofy made-for-TV movies. Such is the case of Gargoyles, a 1972 horror “classic” that maintains its campy appeal to this very day.

Gargoyles

The premise: An anthropologist/paleontologist and his bra-less daughter, travel through the southwestern US, stumble upon a colony of living, breathing gargoyles in the Southwestern part of the United States. The gargoyles just want to be left to do whatever gargoyles do, like vent rain water. But these mythical creatures, when threatened, want to end human life as we know it. Have to say, I’m with the gargoyles on this one.

Gargoyles

The movie cuts right to the chase and tells us gargoyles have been here for thousands of years, or “millennia.” They were born of that satan dude and get uppity every 600 years to turn mankind into decorative rain spouts. Good luck with that.

Gargoyles

The anthropologist and his bra-less daughter come across a strange skeleton of some as yet undetermined animal thing. They take it with them. Guess who wants the bones back? Clues come in the form of the sound of flapping wings in the night. (I thought it was seagulls, but hey, what do I know?)

Gargoyles

The classic part comes when the gargoyles, looking like a hybrid of snakes, frogs, goats and seagulls, abduct the bra-less daughter and take her to their cave dwelling, where she discovers a big pile of about-to-hatch baby elephant-sized gargoyle eggs. The females must have really strong birthing hips.

Gargoyles

In a bold rescue attempt of bra-less daughter, the gargoyles are hunted down by barking dogs and riled humans with gasoline and cigarette lighters. Having earlier taught himself to speak English, the head gargoyle lays out a veiled manifesto in a gravelly voice as he attempts to flee with the last surviving breeder gargoyle: “How clever you are; your choice has allowed your and your (bra-less) daughter to survive. It also allows me and my kind to survive, perhaps at the price of your supremacy on Earth one day!”

The English-fluent gargoyle makes a scary face at the humans, picks up the wing-wounded female gargoyle and flaps away. They’ll be back. Then we’ll see what’s what.

Tight Titans

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Giant Monsters, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 13, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Clash of the Titans

Obscured fantasy/horror classic Clash of the Titans (1981) is one of those cheesy guilty pleasure viewing experiences, right up there with coin-fed adult video machines and looking through my neighbor’s window at night whilst standing on yon garbage can.

Clash of the Titans

Unlike my “power to the peephole” dalliances, Clash doesn’t have boobies. But it does have giant monsters, a flying horse with pigeon wings the size of a really big newspaper opened wide, a reptile woman with snakes for hair (must be hard to comb them) whose glare can turn men to stone, skeletons with swords (that could be a cool metal band name) and the interfering gods from Mt. Olympus who make life a pain for the mortals who are starting to believe in science and technology over some invisible omnipotent overlord in the sky.

Clash of the Titans

The illegitimate son of Zeus (the CEO of the Gods), studly Perseus has to chop off the hand of the swamp demon Calibos. And he has to get the head of the snake-haired Medusa to stop his supermodel princess girlfriend Andromeda from being sacrificed to the giant Kraken monster, which is being released to eat the princess and destroy the city of Joppa by the jealous and manipulative Mt. Olympus gods whom the mortals rightfully mocked.

Clash of the Titans

Oh yeah, there’s an annoyingly cute mechanical owl named Bubo and the aforementioned flying horse Pegasus, who had many opportunities to drop some road apples all over Joppa’s fine chariots from above, but did not do so. Fun, action-packed fantasy movie. Stupid horse.

Clash of the Titans

Hand Maid UFO

Posted in Aliens, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 12, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The UFO

If you go through life and never get a chance to board a real flying saucer, here’s the next best thing: Sweden’s UFO – a hotel in the woods built to look like an extraterrestrial hooptie (street for sweet ride).

The UFO

Named simply The UFO, this flippin’ cool hotel is situated near Sweden’s unpolluted Lule River and can house two adults and two kids for £374 a night. Two things: That converts to an otherworldly $539.81 U.S. fun bucks. Secondly, I don’t care how much you love your kids, this is too expensive to let rug rats come along. Best to take two other adults and split the bill four ways: $134+ each. Add booze and get your probe on.

The UFO

The UFO was built by Tree Hotel, a company that is world-recognized and awarded for their tree house designs (it already won the Swedish Grand Tourism Prize), like The Blue Cone, The Dragonfly and The Bird’s Nest, which looks like a real bird’s nest – they served hatched eggs for breakfast. (This is where Mothra stays when she’s in town.)

Beamship

Lastly, you have to climb a long stair step ladder to get into The UFO. I would’ve thought for that price they could beam you up. And the bed sheets are printed with the Constellation. Now you can find Uranus in the comfort of your own pajamas.

Click HERE for more sweet tree house themed hotel action.

A Killer Yuppie

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 12, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

American_Psycho_5

In the slaughter-riffic American Psycho (2000), a high-powered corporate shirt-tucker plays material oneupmanship with his snobby peers and it becomes a game of “look at what I have.”

American Psycho

Soon, this vapid lifestyle begins to warp this poor excuse for a human and he erupts in mindless yet ferociously angry violence to help him make sense of his senseless world. (Can’t tell you how many times I’ve done that myself.)

American Psycho

He analyzes music from Huey Lewis & The News, Phil Collins and Whitney Houston while chopping up his buddy with an ax who has better business cards than him. He hires hookers to have cash-only sex, then chases them down the hall with a state-of-the-art chainsaw. Black comedy at its finest, this is one funny movie and a crushing commentary on male vanity. (Is there really such a thing?)

American Psycho

Copious drug use, unsafe intercourse, rented limos, reserved tables at trendy dinner establishments, nail guns. You never get to see the actual dissections. (Then again, you didn’t see any in The Texas Chain Saw Massacre/1974, either.) But Christian Bale as Patrick Bateman is the best non-mask wearing serial-killing psycho to wield cutlery since Norman Bates.

Supermodel Sci-Fi

Posted in Science Fiction, TV Vixens, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , on January 10, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Aeon Flux

In Æon Flux (2005), the visually stylized sci-fi flub, Bregna is a gated community of the future, not allowing its residents to leave their perfect lives to go outside the walls to get in a little stink finger action in the polluted and desolate outlands. But not all is well with Bregna’s scientist controlled/manicured lawn confines – people are turning up missing. (Wow, that does not make sense.)

Aeon Flux

When the sister of the supermodel assassin Æon Flux is killed in a case of mistaken identity (someone thought she was a Monican, an underground rebel club whose sole purpose it is to wreck everyone’s idyllic lifestyle), her mission takes on a new sense of, how shall I put this, DIE KILL BLEED REVENGE.

Aeon Flux

Even though Bregna is crime-free and filled with sunshine, balloons and all the bubblegum you could ever want, the place is loaded with a wide assortment of deadly booby traps. Æon has near-super human powers and can flip around, jump over stuff and punch the chew out of your gum-filled face. And that’s just when she’s happy.

Aeon Flux

The problem with this tedious science fiction borefest isn’t Æon’s skin tight fighting suit or her incessant posing, it’s the overly-complex plot, filled with more twists than a bag of space pretzels (also free on Bregna). There’s conspiracy, DNA samples, overlord dirigibles, explosions, face-punching and runway modeling. And it drains your believe batteries.

Clearly, I wouldn’t last a day in the future. I could, however, go for some endless gum action.

Hippie Wizard

Posted in Classic Horror, Fantasy, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 9, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Simon, King of the Witches

“My name is Simon. I live in a storm drain.”

The first line of dialogue from Simon, King of The Witches, one of the most comedic straight-played psychedelic “horror” movies of the early Seventies (1971 to hit the nail on the head).

Simon, King of the Witches

Yep, Simon Sinestrari is homeless, broke and dripping with the kind of chunky liquids that frequent the sewer systems. “Many call me a warlock. But I am one of the true magicians.” Forty seconds into the movie and you’re wondering why Simon isn’t conjuring himself a rain coat and a penicillin shot.

Simon, King of the Witches

A true huckster who believes in his own huck, Simon hooks up with a male prostitute (as friends – don’t get your freak on), who introduces the scheming wizard to a world of illegal drugs and the kinds of Wiccan parties your parents used to have when they weren’t thinking of having you. Oh, and there’s a goat. (Hey, the thing was important to the plot.) It’s here Simon works the crowd for coins and croissants.

Simon, King of the Witches

Simon’s best magic trick is keeping a straight face when repeatedly chanting a goofy spells to get laid. Example – Naked, Simon fiddles with a dagger while standing over an equally naked chick on a ceremonial buffet table. “Charge, magnetic, charge, electric…” The knife flings out of his hand as he embarrassingly shrugs, “I failed.” Statistically, that happens to all warlocks at one time or another.

Simon, King of the Witches

Wading through puddles of LOL dialogue, Simon’s Rent-a-Center™ magic skills puts him face-to-face with a glowing, floating red ball that comes complete with its own hippie sci-fi soundtrack to indicate it’s great and powerful power. The glow ball leads Simon to a talking floor-length mirror, which is really an entrance to another realm. Of course Simon has to go through the looking glass – he’s a wizard, man.

Simon, King of the Witches

So what does he encounter? Swirly hippie visuals, a chick in a nightie begging for help, more space-y visuals ripped off from 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968). Like all good parties, it has to come to an end – with a cop bust, an O.D.’d chick, a corrupt District Attorney, and two freaked out drug pushers, who track him down to his drain condo stab Simon in the gut drain four times with a dagger of all things.

Simon, King of the Witches

But hey, Simon is the king of witches, b*tches – his disembodied voice floats over things floating in the sewer as he sums it up from beyond: “Death is only temporary. Think about that for a while…”

I will, Simon. I will.

The Battle for Future Sex

Posted in Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , on January 8, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Battle Queen 2020

In Battle Queen 2020 (2001), a low budget sci-fi boob-fest, a meteor turns earth’s atmosphere into shaved ice the survivors are relegated to two factions: those who live underground in the freezing sewer and eat garbage-licious snacks, and those who live above ground in heated cabanas having sex with girls who do such things in trade for not having to live where the stuff in your toilet goes once it’s flushed.

Battle Queen 2020

The staggeringly hot and tall Julie Strain (“I worked at Disneyland – I was one of the rides…”) plays Mistress, a “kept” woman who services the Elite (above-grounders). She runs a harem training school for the sexy below-grounders. When she’s not walking around topless, Julie struts the land in skimpy underwear thingies and takes post-apocalyptic bubble baths, making sure to moan and roll her eyes as the radiation-free hot water squirts all over her 6’1” majestic-ness.

Battle Queen 2020There’s some sort of sub-plot about the Elites using the pituitary glands of the sub-dwellers for rejuvenation purposes, but none of that matters as JULIE WALKS AROUND TOPLESS AND HAS SEX ’n stuff.

Battle Queen 2020

In the end she joins the underground rebels, turning into a veritable “Mad Maxine,” using spinning heel kicks and judo chops to augment her combat lingerie.

Wow!

Rayning Blood

Posted in Evil, Fantasy, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 6, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bloodrayne

In Bloodrayne (2005), Rayne, a half-chick/half-vampire is liberated from a carnival freak show (spelled “carnaval” for authenticity sake), so she may continue on her quest to stab her father in the face for killing her mother.

Bloodrayne

Dad just happens to be King of the Undead and is seeking three talismans – an ashtray, lucky mood ring and a can opener – to complete the ritual that will make him a super vampire. (OK, so he actually needs an eye, a rib bone and the heart of an ancient vampire.)

Bloodrayne

Assisting Rayne are three vampire hunters who have a stronghold called Brimstone where they train and perfect vampire hunting techniques, like chest stabbing, stomach stabbing, and the all important face stabbing.

The plot stalls halfway in with a pointless and cheesy appearance by Meatloaf (they should call him Hamloaf) as a decadent vampire with a chamber full of naked chicks and a house full of party guests that partake of the refreshments (human kegs).

Bloodrayne

Limp but gory fight scenes happen every nine minutes, linked by overly complex sub-plots and clunky dialogue (“My companion seems to be missing; I do not know what has become of him…”)

Bloodrayne

The grand battle at the end with Rayne about to be dissected by Kragan is splendidly graphic in its goriness. This is good. The acting, not so good. Best part: EVERYBODY dies, except Rayne, who should give up hunting vampires while striking fashion runway poses and go back to work at the circus.