Long Live The King

King Kong Lives

At the end of the 1976 remake of King Kong, our fuzzy yet misunderstood hero, is air-conditioned by military gunfire and falls 110 stories off the top of the World Trade Center to his fate, which would be the sidewalk. The end. Or is it?

King Kong Lives

In King Kong Lives (1986) they somehow managed to get Kong’s still leaking body on a truck and transported to a Georgia medical facility. Long way to go (921.1 miles) while Triple AAA-ing a giant dying ape. It’s there they’ve been keeping Kong alive. Not building-crushing alive, more like “scratching your balls in your sleep” alive. And they’ve been doing this for 10 years!

King Kong Lives

Dr. Amy Franklin, Kong’s PCP, comes to the inevitable conclusion that the King needs a heart transplant OR HE’LL DIE. Um, isn’t that what we spent so much money trying to make Kong do when he was wrecking stuff all those years ago? Fortunately, somebody financed an artificial heart, the very same one hanging from a non-sterile crane out in the parking lot.

King Kong Lives

Kong needs blood, though, in order to facilitate this monster-heart operation. But where in the stinkin’ heck are they gonna find… Wait, someone found a compatible donor! She lives in Borneo, has really hairy boobs and is the size of three coconut trees built on top of each other. And her name is…QUEEN KONG.

King Kong Lives

Once they finish the operation and sew him back up, love is in the air. So Kong and Queen bust out and head for a place called Honeymoon Hills (I’m totally not making that up, although I wish I had) to engage in some super-sized hot monkey love. That’s really hard to watch without throwing up in someone’s mouth.

King Kong Lives

Once the military learns Kong is on the loose, they reload their guns and go after the large lovers. Nice time for Kong’s pacemaker battery to start to run low. At least he got in a little primate’n before the Army starts shootin’ at the walls of heartache bang, bang.

King Kong Lives

Several serious questions: Who besides me came up with the idea for this sequel? How come I wasn’t asked to star in it? Hollywood seems hell-bent in testing my patience.

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