Archive for December, 2015

Vampire Hookers

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 19, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Lilin's Brood

No mistaking the, um, “subtle” imagery for the upcoming sales poster for Lilin’s Brood. Clearly, it’s a message to be nicer to snakes and to include more fruit in your diet. That, or have sex with vampire hookers. While apples might be better for you, I’m gonna have to recommend gettin’ jiggy with the vampire hookers. (Wonder if they take “bit” coin? Heh.)

Therein lies the framework (my presumption, anyway) for Lillian’s Blood, releasing February 12, 2016. An indie horror flick. Here’s what lays down: A “New Media” news coverage team (W.H.I.S.T.L.E.) is stranded near a beleaguered brothel in the middle of nowhere; recovered footage will reveal what happens when they encounter a group of women with a terrifying secret.”

The so-called “secret” is that this group of women want your various fluids – and are skilled at extracting said juices in a manner of saucy ways.

Lilith's Brood

While contemplating such saucy notions, try your best not to confuse Lilin’s Brood (2000) with Lilith’s Brood, a series of sci-fi novels (Dawn, Adulthood Rites, Imago) under one banner  by author Octavia Butler. If you know how to read, the novels are described as “profoundly evocative, sensual – and disturbing – epic of human transformation.”

Cool – aliens gettin’ jiggy with Earth peeps. Wonder if the books come illustrated?

Finding Fantastic Beasts

Posted in Fantasy, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 17, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them

Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them is a return to the universe of Harry Potter by creator/mega-billionaire J.K. Rowling. It started out a book in 2001, but because of Rowling’s history of turning anti-Christian sentiments into box office gold (good for her), it’s to be a movie as well, due out in November of 2016. Why they’re plugging it now (December, 2015 – 11 months before it comes out – obviously means they need time to license premium toy tie-ins. (One can never have too much money.)

Still, as cool as the concept seems, it feels like a half-baked crossover. Then again, I didn’t read the book as I gave up reading once TV was invented. And hey, if I wanna find a fantastic beast, all I have to do is look in a mirror. Heh.

Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them

But we’ve already seen a pile of mythical monsters in the Harry Potter movies – a giant three-headed dog that takes craps the size of giant spiders; Giant spiders that talk and eat human meatloaf; A parrot that bursts into flames like a defective bottle rocket; Centaurs that cover the forest floor with recycled apples; Bulimic werewolves with 3% body fat who binge and purge every full moon; Dragons (aka, flying BBQs); Bird/horse hybrids that chow down on raw ferret as if woodland sushi; Mail-carrying owls (delivering late as to emulate real postal service); Talking snakes (they pronounce “s’’’s really well); And 15-foot trolls with I.Qs around that of your average movie blogger. So what else could they possibly bring to the table?

Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them

Glad you asked. Here’s a few fantastic beast copyright worthy ideas: Ghost Monkeys – they fling zoo poo at you and then disappear, much to the delight of everyone not covered in you know what. Land Crabs that cause itching that can’t be stopped, even with generously applied pyrethrins and piperonyl butoxides. Sea Bats that look like seagulls – they steal your french fries and peck your neck. Giant turtles that shoot flames out their… Oh, wait – that one’s been done.

J.K. Rowling – please contact me for licensing rights. Bring your 10-ton checkbook.

That Damned Queen

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 16, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Queen of the Damned

The sequel to Interview with a Vampire (1994), in Queen of the Damned (2002), egotistical, vamped neck-licker Lestat has been laying in state for 200 years, and is woken by a strange, intoxicating sound. I guessed elephant farts, but was way off. It was the sound of heavy metal, which at times is almost the same.

Queen fo the Damned

Rising from his grave, Lestat, already looking like a Hot Topic™ Goth poseur, all pasty and white with mall-purchased plastic fangs, joins a band and becomes world famous, outwardly bragging about his vampire heritage. This, as you could’ve guessed, makes all the other vampires who have been trying to keep things on the down low, quite upset with tummy aches.

Queen of the Damned

Besides music critics, Akasha, Queen of the Vampires (her name sounds like organic cereal), is also given a wake-up call, and resurrects herself to have Lestat be her king. She’s hot, so hey, why not? Meanwhile, a full frontal assault is planned on Lestat during his outdoor concert in Death Valley. Cute.

Queen of the Damned

The audience thinks the bloodless vampire attack is all part of the show. And that’s the problem – its ALL show, with barely any substance of author Anne Rice’s lush word barf that made the Vampire Chronicles so popular with the socially disaffected Goth crowd.

Queen of the Damned

A league of vampires called the Ancients and a paranormal homework group called the Talamasca are involved, with everyone trying to get Akasha and Lestat to break up. Speaking of, Lestat’s band sucks, so they should break up. And if you’re a socially disaffected Goth dork, you should break up.

The Clutches of Evil

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on December 15, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Evil Clutch

Ever have the burning pee itch to see a lurid foreign horror movie that doesn’t skimp on the old school gore? Of course you do. Then you might wanna check out the Italian schlocker Evil Clutch (aka, Il bosco 1/1988), a bizarrely weird, yawn-worthy boring, yet oddly mesmerizing rip-off of The Evil Dead (1981). That said, it still doesn’t quite come close to describing whatever Evil Clutch actually is.

Evil Clutch

A loud mouth American chick. A Italian dude with low standards. Both are traveling the countryside in search of a place to do it outdoors. They stop to pick up a frantic gal with foofed up hair who’s “traumatized” by someone/something stalking her, the irony being she’s the evil thingamajig. (You actually get to see her in the opening sequence that has her sporting vampire fangs and a pinch-y claw that shoots out of her money-maker and snaps down on previously willing male horn dogs.

Evil Clutch

She eventually runs off, only for the couple to encounter an old guy on a motorbike who had trachea surgery and speaks through a robo talk box. He proceeds to lead the couple through stairways and back roads, only to tell them disgusting stories. Sounds like my neighbor.

Evil Clutch

What follows is a test of patience. Endless walking around village ruins. Complaining. More walking. More talking. Then finally, with no real reason, rotting/dripping zombies appear and pursue said couple around the ruins some more.

Evil Clutch

The boyfriend becomes infected, so his head needs to chopped off. Then there’s the Evil Dead point-of-view “presence” in the woods that comes out and follows the now single woman for about two miles, all the while crying/screamin/complaining. And the vampire chick? Yep, still has that articulated claw thing between her legs, and can make her eyeballs expand to the size of ping pong balls – evil ping pong balls.

Go ahead and watch Evil Clutch (it’s on YouTube™) – just keep your claw on the fast-forward button.

Resurging Aliens

Posted in Aliens, Godzilla, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 14, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Independence Day: Resurgence

No sooner do I post a blog (or “blawg”) about Godzilla’s new movie being titled Godzilla: Resurgence, now comes a 20-years-later sequel to Independence Day (1996) called Independence Day: Resurgence. I know Hollywood’s been running out of ideas, but now they’re in short supply of titles where they have to rip off Godzilla?

(Ironic note: ID: R is once again directed by Roland Emmerich, the guy who ruined Godzilla in 1998 with his remake.)

Independence Day: Resurgence

Independence Day: Resurgence picks up 20 years after earth smacked ass on the invading aliens that nearly destroyed our watering hole. This was accomplished by uploading a computer virus to the alien’s Mothership, which caused the extraterrestrial defenses to be rendered null and void, thus allowing tried ’n true missiles to smack ass. (Good thing alien Motherships are compatible with Apple™ laptops.)

Independence Day: Resurgence

Independence Day: Resurgence, which comes out in spring 2016, features original stars Jeff Goldblum, Bill Pullman and 81 year-old Judd Hirsch. (And I thought he looked old 20 years ago.) Missing in alien action is Will Smith, who probably didn’t see the point in remaking the same movie. Smart man.

That said, the trailer all but gives away the entire movie and ending. Not surprising – why do a flick that has the aliens winning? Clearly, we have more than enough missiles/Mac computers to handle the job.

Scary-Go-Round

Posted in Asian Horror, Evil, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 13, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Park

Years ago a little girl dies after falling out of a Ferris wheel. (She was probably on drugs at the time and thought the ride was a vertical merry-go-round.) The ensuing grief causes the town’s amusement park to shut down. If Disney™ shut down every time someone died on one of their rides, we’d never get to feel up the Little Mermaid’s mom.

The Park

But what is an abandoned amusement park thought to be haunted by ghosts but a magical place just begging to be explored? Screw Disneyland™ and their defective rides – this is the happiest place on earth.

The Park

Spin forward to today: A young Asian hottie loses her brother in…THE PARK, so she goes into… THE PARK to find him. Mysteriously, all the lights and rides come to life as if someone hidden from sight had turned them on with a mystical switch or button. It’s all but said out loud that this place is owned and operated by Satan. (Maybe that’s why the cotton candy costs a hellish $6.66.)

The Park

That’s all I know about The Park (aka, Chow lok yuen/2003), an inherently dumb “horror” movie with tired special effects. As it was originally filmed in 3D and I made the mistake of renting the special edition version and didn’t have those cool paper glasses with one red eye and one blue eye to view it properly. Everything looked blurry. I just thought it was the malt liquor. I think I saw a digital ghost, though. More likely a solid fart.

Big Hair Sci-Fi

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 12, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Night of the Comet

The last time that comet came this close to Earth, it killed off all those cute and friendly dinosaurs. Now, 65 million years later, it’s back for an encore in the 1984 sci-fi cheese classic, Night of the Comet.

Night of the Comet

When our unlucky planet goes through the tail of the maniac meteor, it turns most people into piles of pencil shavings and some into meteor zombies. Survivors include a Valley Girl with big hair who has unprotected sex with her movie projectionist boyfriend. (I think he ends up getting eaten like a popcorn/human hot dog combo deal. I lost track as I had comet dust in my eyes.)

Night of the Comet

Scientists theorize that the meteor-made zombies will soon disintegrate into pencil shavings. Until then, don’t put your hands in their mouths. Turns out, the scientists are the bad guys, harvesting the survivor’s untainted life goop in hopes to cure their impending zombie-itis. Too much dumb-assery and a ridiculous way to resolve it all in the form of Mother Nature. Science sucks.

Night of the Comet