The Clutches of Evil

Ever have the burning pee itch to see a lurid foreign horror movie that doesn’t skimp on the old school gore? Of course you do. Then you might wanna check out the Italian schlocker Evil Clutch (aka, Il bosco 1/1988), a bizarrely weird, yawn-worthy boring, yet oddly mesmerizing rip-off of The Evil Dead (1981). That said, it still doesn’t quite come close to describing whatever Evil Clutch actually is.

A loud mouth American chick. A Italian dude with low standards. Both are traveling the countryside in search of a place to do it outdoors. They stop to pick up a frantic gal with foofed up hair who’s “traumatized” by someone/something stalking her, the irony being she’s the evil thingamajig. (You actually get to see her in the opening sequence that has her sporting vampire fangs and a pinch-y claw that shoots out of her money-maker and snaps down on previously willing male horn dogs.

She eventually runs off, only for the couple to encounter an old guy on a motorbike who had trachea surgery and speaks through a robo talk box. He proceeds to lead the couple through stairways and back roads, only to tell them disgusting stories. Sounds like my neighbor.

What follows is a test of patience. Endless walking around village ruins. Complaining. More walking. More talking. Then finally, with no real reason, rotting/dripping zombies appear and pursue said couple around the ruins some more.

The boyfriend becomes infected, so his head needs to chopped off. Then there’s the Evil Dead point-of-view “presence” in the woods that comes out and follows the now single woman for about two miles, all the while crying/screamin/complaining. And the vampire chick? Yep, still has that articulated claw thing between her legs, and can make her eyeballs expand to the size of ping pong balls – evil ping pong balls.

Go ahead and watch Evil Clutch (it’s on YouTube™) – just keep your claw on the fast-forward button.