The Clutches of Evil

Evil Clutch

Ever have the burning pee itch to see a lurid foreign horror movie that doesn’t skimp on the old school gore? Of course you do. Then you might wanna check out the Italian schlocker Evil Clutch (aka, Il bosco 1/1988), a bizarrely weird, yawn-worthy boring, yet oddly mesmerizing rip-off of The Evil Dead (1981). That said, it still doesn’t quite come close to describing whatever Evil Clutch actually is.

Evil Clutch

A loud mouth American chick. A Italian dude with low standards. Both are traveling the countryside in search of a place to do it outdoors. They stop to pick up a frantic gal with foofed up hair who’s “traumatized” by someone/something stalking her, the irony being she’s the evil thingamajig. (You actually get to see her in the opening sequence that has her sporting vampire fangs and a pinch-y claw that shoots out of her money-maker and snaps down on previously willing male horn dogs.

Evil Clutch

She eventually runs off, only for the couple to encounter an old guy on a motorbike who had trachea surgery and speaks through a robo talk box. He proceeds to lead the couple through stairways and back roads, only to tell them disgusting stories. Sounds like my neighbor.

Evil Clutch

What follows is a test of patience. Endless walking around village ruins. Complaining. More walking. More talking. Then finally, with no real reason, rotting/dripping zombies appear and pursue said couple around the ruins some more.

Evil Clutch

The boyfriend becomes infected, so his head needs to chopped off. Then there’s the Evil Dead point-of-view “presence” in the woods that comes out and follows the now single woman for about two miles, all the while crying/screamin/complaining. And the vampire chick? Yep, still has that articulated claw thing between her legs, and can make her eyeballs expand to the size of ping pong balls – evil ping pong balls.

Go ahead and watch Evil Clutch (it’s on YouTube™) – just keep your claw on the fast-forward button.

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