Archive for November, 2015

Supermarket Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 20, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Intruders

New horror movies are like going to the supermarket or “grocery store.”  Lots to choose from, not everything good for you, nice packaging/lousy ingredients, bottom shelf knock-offs… And still you can’t wait to get to the check-out line. And because you/me/I need a constant supply of horror movies, here are three new ones to fill your cart…

INTRUDERS (January 15, 2016)
Not a fan of home invasion flicks because that stuff happens way too often in real life, which is scarier than anything you’ll ever see in a horror movie. But this one looks promising: “After three criminals break into a supposedly empty house, they find themselves in a deadly game of cat and mouse with the occupant, a shy young woman with a few nasty tricks of her own to play on the invaders.”

Sounds like Home Alone (1990) with die/kill/bleed.

Voodoo Rising

VOODOO RISING (early 2016)
The press blurb for Voodoo Rising doesn’t do much to sell the story of a bunch of vacationing teens being the target of Backwood hick torture porn retribution: “A group of friends decide to spend their last summer together by taking a trip to Black Hills, a rural camping destination. Once there, they find themselves in the middle of a deadly quarrel with a local family.”

I liked it better when it was called The Hills Have Eyes (1977).

Anguish

ANGUISH (released in Canada July 2015)
Anguish centers around a teen chick possessed by evil. Possessed or born that way? We already know the answer. But here’s how it looks to possess your movie money: “A teenage girl is finally old enough to understand that the cause of her psychological problems is a supernatural ‘gift’ that’s allowing a spirit to force itself inside her. The girl must decide whether she wants to keep fighting or succumb.”

I vote succumb, because I’m a soul-half-full kind of guy.

Windmill of Doom

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 18, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Windmill Massacre

No sooner than I do an entire blog about the resurgence of the word “massacre” in a horror movie title [click HERE for excellence in fake journalism], a new one pops up. Called The Windmill Massacre (releasing 2016), this Dutch made dust-up concerns a chick on the run from the law, Devil-worshipping, and windmills. (Historical fact: windmills were centuries ahead of those fancy-pants wind turbines you see all over the place these days.)

The Windmill Massacre

Anyway, here’s how The Windmill Massacre spins: “Jennifer is an Australian girl on the run from her past who washes up in Amsterdam. In a desperate attempt to stay one step ahead of the authorities, she joins a coach-load of tourists embarking on a tour of Holland’s world famous windmills.”

The Windmill Massacre

“When the bus breaks down in the middle of nowhere, she and the other tourists are forced to seek shelter in a disused shed beside a sinister windmill where, legend has it, a Devil-worshipping miller once ground the bones of locals instead of grain.  As members of the group start to disappear, Jennifer learns that they all have something in common – a shared secret that seems to mark them all for doom.”

The Windmill Massacre

Doom is a tidy word as it doesn’t need explaining. But what does is the Devil-worshipping miller grinding human bones. If its used in place of flour, you can only imagine what kind of taste bone powder gives to doughnuts. And what good are doughnuts that only a cannibal could choke down? Not a very good business model.

An Immortal Cannibal

Posted in Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 16, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

He Never Died

Rock stars showing up in horror/sci-fi movies is nothing new. Off the top ’o my dome, Alice Cooper comes to mind being in a pile of ’em: Monster Dog, Prince of Darkness, Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare, Suck, Dark Shadows, etc.

Punk icon and former Black Flag member Henry Rollins has quite a few horror reels under his belt as well, the latest being He Never Died, in which he plays a cannibal who tries to control his addiction. The hook: he can’t die. But wait, there’s more…

He Never Died

Rollins stars as Jack, a mysterious loner who has lived an inexplicably long life fueled by blood lust and filled with crime and violence. He buys stolen blood from a hospital intern, plays bingo, sleeps fourteen hours a day, watches television six hours a day, and lives alone. This is his life – he has shelled himself away from social interactions. The fuse is lit when Jack’s past comes back to rattle him. Jack must now walk a tight rope of sobriety and try to eat as few people as possible in this violent tale of personal responsibility and self worth. As it turns out, there are very few reasons to live when you can’t die.”

Henry Rollins

Not sure if Rollins used to eat people during his younger punk rock days, but with that legendary perma-aggro glare of his, he at least looked capable of chowing down fan ham. And he has the acting chops to pull it off. The movie role, not, like, actually eating people.

So how do you see He Never Died? The movie is gunning for a December 18, 2015 theatrical run, crowdfunded by Indiegogo™. Smuggle in your own people snacks, though; The price of concessions has gotten out of control these days.

Horrific Rent

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 15, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Abattoir

Do you remember the 2015 horror film Abattoir, a story about an urban legend concerning a house where “horrific tragedies” occurred? Yep, me neither. I have enough horrific tragedies in my own apartment building (i.e., overflowing top floor toilets, neighbors not wiping their feet before they come in, recyclables mixed with yard waste in the dumpsters…)

Cursed life aside, Abattoir (French for “slaughterhouse”) now has a prequel in Dwelling, wherein a chick buys a the aforementioned haunted house in order to make contact with the spirit world. This has something to do with an unresolved horrific issue concerning her sister. (She probably took her blouse without asking.)

Dwelling

All of which begs the question – how does one make contact with the dead should a cardboard cellphone (i.e., Ouija Board™) not be handy? According to the psychic upstairs who can’t seem to jiggle the handle, a mirror – preferably black – of course. All doorways to Hell are black in color. Duh.

So if you see horrific things when you look in the mirror, you either need to see Dwelling – or get a new mirror.

P.S. I tagged this one back in the ancient days of July 2015 and mentioned that it was supposed to be released before the end of the year. That was a huge big fat stinking lie as the release date has been bumped to the future days of 2016.

Eggs and Aliens

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , on November 13, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Xenomorph Egg

Prior to Alien (1979), the only thing known as a Facehugger was your Grandma and/or Aunt. Since then we’ve come to know Facehuggers as alien parasite thingmajigs that attach themselves to your glossy mug that shoves an uncomfortably familiar appendage down your throat, and lays an egg in your stomach, where your chest will hatch it in full-blown splatter-rama.

Facehugger

So who wouldn’t want a Facehugger to call your own? Now you can – and you don’t have to go to some distant planetoid to get one. Releasing in March 2016, Neca™ is offering a life-size (!) Xenomorph Egg, “complete with its own eerie lighting and life size Facehugger!”

Xenomorph Egg

Here’s the yolk: “As seen in the 1986 horror classic Aliens, this full-sized replica stands almost 36” tall, and articulated flaps with a wire armature allow you to actually open the top folds of the egg. The included full-size Facehugger has a bendable tail, so you can pose it anywhere, waiting to drop on unsuspecting prey from overhead, or simply lurking inside the egg.”

Facehugger

“The Life Size Xenomorph Egg is made of detailed, hand-painted foam and stands on its own. A switch activates the LED lights inside the base to create a menacing, otherworldly glow effect. Requires 3 AAA batteries, not included.”

Xenomorph Egg

No price given, but this sort of thing is beyond matters of money. Too bad they don’t have it ready to go for this Christmas; I would’ve asked all my friends to get it for me, and then end up with three of ’em.

Stumped By Wood Demons

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 12, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Hallow

I don’t wanna freak you out, but there’s a demon in the woods and it wants your baby. (And would it kill you to throw in some diapers?)

The Hallow

That’s at the feel-good heart of The Hallow (aka, The Woods/2015), a British/Irish joint that finds newly minted parents, who just moved into a seriously remote big ass mill house way out in the woods, trying to keep irritating demonic creatures living rent-free in the surround woods from taking their newborn crib monster. The worse part – no 7-Eleven™ for miles in any direction.

The Hallow

Couple of thoughts on The Hallow: It was released in the UK in the summer of 2015. It also premiered at the Sundance Festival six months prior to that. I haven’t seen it because I don’t live in the UK as far as I know. And Sundance has a restraining order against me. So I have to wait in line like the rest of the unwashed masses to see it.

Zombi 2 / The Hallow

Secondly, The Hallow pays loving homage to the infamous eye splinter impalement scene in Zombi 2 (1979) with an icky demon looking to stick it’s pointy digit into the cocktail olive that is the mom’s eye. Cocktail olives are not only mandatory for classy plastic cup cocktails, but can be eaten as a stand-alone snack. Augment with crackers and some processed cheese.

Ghost Back Talk

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 12, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Trace

EVP, or “electronic voice phenomena,” is one of those subjective areas wherein ghost hunters on TV visiting allegedly haunted locations yell at the ghost to do or say something. Of course nothing is audible until they play the tape back and the ghost is telling the pesky paranormal investigators to go shove a microphone.

Trace

Trace, a new horror movie dealing with this aural aspect of hauntings, is now available on your platform of choice, and hope to fill your home with the cussing of ghosts:

Trace

“One night at a party, a group of friends experiment with trace phenomena – a form of electronic voice phenomena. However, one by one the friends begin dying and soon realize a door to a horrific realm has been opened. It’s a race against time and demonic forces to sever the transmission save themselves and prevent the demon from entering our world.”

White Noise

For more conversations with the evil and the dead, give White Noise (2005) a visual listen. Or, you could just read my review by clicking this connection to the otherworld. Long distance charges may apply.