Archive for November, 2015

Horrific Rent

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 15, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Abattoir

Do you remember the 2015 horror film Abattoir, a story about an urban legend concerning a house where “horrific tragedies” occurred? Yep, me neither. I have enough horrific tragedies in my own apartment building (i.e., overflowing top floor toilets, neighbors not wiping their feet before they come in, recyclables mixed with yard waste in the dumpsters…)

Cursed life aside, Abattoir (French for “slaughterhouse”) now has a prequel in Dwelling, wherein a chick buys a the aforementioned haunted house in order to make contact with the spirit world. This has something to do with an unresolved horrific issue concerning her sister. (She probably took her blouse without asking.)

Dwelling

All of which begs the question – how does one make contact with the dead should a cardboard cellphone (i.e., Ouija Board™) not be handy? According to the psychic upstairs who can’t seem to jiggle the handle, a mirror – preferably black – of course. All doorways to Hell are black in color. Duh.

So if you see horrific things when you look in the mirror, you either need to see Dwelling – or get a new mirror.

P.S. I tagged this one back in the ancient days of July 2015 and mentioned that it was supposed to be released before the end of the year. That was a huge big fat stinking lie as the release date has been bumped to the future days of 2016.

Eggs and Aliens

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , on November 13, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Xenomorph Egg

Prior to Alien (1979), the only thing known as a Facehugger was your Grandma and/or Aunt. Since then we’ve come to know Facehuggers as alien parasite thingmajigs that attach themselves to your glossy mug that shoves an uncomfortably familiar appendage down your throat, and lays an egg in your stomach, where your chest will hatch it in full-blown splatter-rama.

Facehugger

So who wouldn’t want a Facehugger to call your own? Now you can – and you don’t have to go to some distant planetoid to get one. Releasing in March 2016, Neca™ is offering a life-size (!) Xenomorph Egg, “complete with its own eerie lighting and life size Facehugger!”

Xenomorph Egg

Here’s the yolk: “As seen in the 1986 horror classic Aliens, this full-sized replica stands almost 36” tall, and articulated flaps with a wire armature allow you to actually open the top folds of the egg. The included full-size Facehugger has a bendable tail, so you can pose it anywhere, waiting to drop on unsuspecting prey from overhead, or simply lurking inside the egg.”

Facehugger

“The Life Size Xenomorph Egg is made of detailed, hand-painted foam and stands on its own. A switch activates the LED lights inside the base to create a menacing, otherworldly glow effect. Requires 3 AAA batteries, not included.”

Xenomorph Egg

No price given, but this sort of thing is beyond matters of money. Too bad they don’t have it ready to go for this Christmas; I would’ve asked all my friends to get it for me, and then end up with three of ’em.

Stumped By Wood Demons

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 12, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Hallow

I don’t wanna freak you out, but there’s a demon in the woods and it wants your baby. (And would it kill you to throw in some diapers?)

The Hallow

That’s at the feel-good heart of The Hallow (aka, The Woods/2015), a British/Irish joint that finds newly minted parents, who just moved into a seriously remote big ass mill house way out in the woods, trying to keep irritating demonic creatures living rent-free in the surround woods from taking their newborn crib monster. The worse part – no 7-Eleven™ for miles in any direction.

The Hallow

Couple of thoughts on The Hallow: It was released in the UK in the summer of 2015. It also premiered at the Sundance Festival six months prior to that. I haven’t seen it because I don’t live in the UK as far as I know. And Sundance has a restraining order against me. So I have to wait in line like the rest of the unwashed masses to see it.

Zombi 2 / The Hallow

Secondly, The Hallow pays loving homage to the infamous eye splinter impalement scene in Zombi 2 (1979) with an icky demon looking to stick it’s pointy digit into the cocktail olive that is the mom’s eye. Cocktail olives are not only mandatory for classy plastic cup cocktails, but can be eaten as a stand-alone snack. Augment with crackers and some processed cheese.

Ghost Back Talk

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 12, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Trace

EVP, or “electronic voice phenomena,” is one of those subjective areas wherein ghost hunters on TV visiting allegedly haunted locations yell at the ghost to do or say something. Of course nothing is audible until they play the tape back and the ghost is telling the pesky paranormal investigators to go shove a microphone.

Trace

Trace, a new horror movie dealing with this aural aspect of hauntings, is now available on your platform of choice, and hope to fill your home with the cussing of ghosts:

Trace

“One night at a party, a group of friends experiment with trace phenomena – a form of electronic voice phenomena. However, one by one the friends begin dying and soon realize a door to a horrific realm has been opened. It’s a race against time and demonic forces to sever the transmission save themselves and prevent the demon from entering our world.”

White Noise

For more conversations with the evil and the dead, give White Noise (2005) a visual listen. Or, you could just read my review by clicking this connection to the otherworld. Long distance charges may apply.

 

Mothman Comes Out Of Mothballs

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 10, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Moth

Been a while since we’ve heard from Mothman. Maybe he’s been busy planning to knock down more loaded bridges or scaring the selfies outta teenagers. Regardless, everyone will be able to look MM right in the glowing red eyes when he makes an appearance in his latest found footage star vehicle Moth, due sometime in 2016.

Here’s what’s on the bridge: “An enthusiastic lecturer and her student who travel to Europe to go after the mythology of the Mothman, but they soon have to fight for survival.”

Moth

Okay, penalty flag time. First, Mothman is not from Europe. He’s from Point Pleasant, West Virginia. I know Mothman can fly, but Europe is 4,310 miles away. His wings would get, like, super tired ’n stuff.

Secondly, Mothman is NOT mythology; He’s as real as a UFO.

Thirdly, as this is a found footage flick, the plot (and trailer) looks like it was modeled after The Blair Witch Project (1999), the worst horror movie of all time.

Mothman

Given that, hopefully Moth won’t suck. Until then, watch The Mothman Prophecies (2002) or any myriad of YouTube™ documentaries/real found footage for some sweet Moth-y action.

Lunar Madness

Posted in Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 8, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Moon

In the critically butt-kissed Moon (2009), Sam Bell works on the Moon base Sarang. Since it’s the Moon, every day is a night shift. Heh. He’s been there three years, scraping the moon’s surface for Helium-3. (He gets to keep any pocket change he finds, though.) LUNAR, his employers, have sent a transmission that his shift is nearly over, and to prepare for the latest employee to arrive. This means hiding those dirty magazines in an airlock or nearby crater.

Moon

Aside from a talking computer named GERTY that runs the space station (I would’ve named it Pocket Pal 3000), Sam’s the only one on the Moon. So how is it he sees someone standing outside on the Moon’s surface? Is it a member of Pink Floyd? Is it Space Jesus? Sam decides to find out.

Moon

While gunning his future tractor to the mysterious body, he crashes and before losing consciousness, switches his suit to life support. Good thing, as there’s no air on the Moon. (I found that out from the Internet.) Sam wakes up in the sick bay and overhears GERTY having a conversation with LUNAR, telling the computer to not let Sam outside the house.

Moon Sam manages to trick the computer and heads back to the wreck, where he finds…himself! Bringing his doppelganger to the base, the two try to cope with each other’s existence. Talk about space madness — one Sam is agitated, the other calm and logical. If there were two of me in a space station, there’d be a fight to the death over whatever Romulan Ale was left in the fridge.

Moon

Sam #1 is getting sick and looks like he has the space flu. Sam #2 seems to be as healthy as a fresh Moon peach. Sick Sam slowly uncovers clues as to why there are two of him and… He needs to complete the mystery before the relief ship gets to the Moon and spanks his moon for crashing the company tractor.

Moon

When Sam discovers the sad truth, it’s not pretty. You’ll probably even cry comsos tears when you find out. A three-stage twist sets up a finish that, while not accompanied by UFOs or laser beams, is quite gratifying and satisfying, and any other words that rhymes with those two. Moon is an unconventional but way cool sci-fi film. Makes me wanna go to the Moon. I’ll have to put that on my bucket list.

Sucking Goats on a Budget

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 7, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Legend of the Chupacabra

Should’ve turned off the TV after they open with “This film is dedicated to all those who lost their lives during the production of this documentary.” It’d should read “wasted their lives.”

In the pocket change budgeted Legend of the Chupacabra (2000), a chick zoology student videotapes something paranormal turning her uncle’s goats into barn ravioli. Enlisting the help of additional meals, uh, students, she also teams up with an ex-Marine (what, the Navy not good enough for you?), and goes after documenting the alleged Chupacabra.

Legend of the Chupacabra

Since we’re all gonna have to learn how to speak Spanish sooner or later, “Chupracabra” is Latino for “goat sucker.” (The sucking part, quite thankfully, refers to the blood extraction process.)

Legend of the Chupacabra

They find El Suckero, and it turns out to be human-sized and looking suspiciously like a rubber costume. How embarrassing for him/her. By banging the camera around, they make it hard to focus on the creature’s zipper. Trapped in a passenger van, Chupie pounds on the door and rocks the vehicle while everyone screams. (He does that often, just to get a rise out of ’em.)

A few die, everyone else yawns. I’m as yet undecided on which side I’d rather be on after enduring this suckfest.

Human Dog Food

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 6, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Pack

A dog is a man’s best friend – until dog eats man. After that, any relationship arrangement is clearly off the table. And that goes for all domesticated animals. (I’m looking in your direction, you serial killing and probably poisonous parakeets.)

Night of the Wild

So turning the tables and having dogs go after the all-you-can-eat chew toy that is your couch warmer makes for good movie watching, right? Not always. I’ll get back to that. For now, just heel and be introduced to the latest dog-unfriends-humans horror movie, The Pack, hot on the scent of the just released Night of the Wild (2015), YET ANOTHER doggone poochy predator movie.

The Pack (releasing Spring, 2016): “A farmer and his family must fight for their lives after a ferocious pack of feral wild dogs lays siege to their isolated farm. Through a series of frightening and bloody encounters, they are forced into survival mode to defend themselves from the ravenous beasts and make it through the night.”

Like daylight will make the dogs any less bite-y. Be my guest and try to pet your way out.

The Pack

In case it slipped your leash, there was a prior dogs-gone-wild horror movie with the same name. The Pack (aka, The Long Dark Night) was released in 1977, and the plot was as juicy as a mailman’s leg: “The residents of vacation spot Seal Island find themselves terrorized by a pack of dogs — the remnants of discarded pets by visiting vacationers.” The ’ol “flush the alligator down the toilet” trick when they become too much of a bother.

Dogs

But even before that was a similar gone-to-the-dogs horror movie called simply, Dogs. Released in 1976, a pack of dogs go on a killing spree. Seems plausible enough. In Dogs a “biology professor tries to figure out why domestic dogs are suddenly hungry for human beings.”

Maybe the dogs got tired of eating the same old boring, non-screaming/non-bleeding bagged food out of the same dish day in and day out. Cats always get the good canned stuff –  dogs usually have to eat artificially-flavored cardboard.

The Pack

Don’t mistake The Pack for the other The Pack, released in 2010. Same title, but that one features mutant monster ghouls who, like feral dogs, have a taste for human flesh. I heard one of ’em say people taste like artificially-flavored cardboard. Hard to find canned human, though the fresh stuff is always better.

The DNA of Horror

Posted in Evil with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 5, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Evil Gene

The Evil Gene is a new supernatural horror movie pending release 2015, and seeks to lift the lid and jiggle the handle on what makes bad people do even badder things unbecoming of socially-acceptable behavior outside of a bar. But as many attorneys over the years who have argued on behalf of their killer clients, they try to shift the blame on innocent demons that’ve taken up residence in the ’ol bent noodle.

So, yeah – The Evil Gene is a movie about possession, specifically that of the demonic persuasion. (Other types of possession include sweet refreshing alcohol, prescription drugs, and candy cigarettes.) And it’s up to science to provide a court-case study of this so-called “evil” gene.

The Evil Gene

Here’s what they’re selling us: “Scientists studying the DNA of mass murderers have discovered a rare gene, HSS-282, that they associate with violent, psychotic behaviors. Federal prison inmates possessing the gene have been isolated in a remote correctional facility for further observation and testing.”

The Evil Gene

“When an FBI Agent is sent to the secret government research facility to investigate a mysterious death, he begins to experience terrifying visions of his tragic past. Under the guidance of the prison priest, he becomes convinced that a demon is at work in the compound — while others become concerned about his increasingly erratic behavior and the inner ‘demons’ he has brought with him.”

Yep, he’s got the evil gene, no doubt. On that note, I knew a guy named Gene back in my pre-demonically possessed days. His nickname was “Evil.” (It’s a metal thing.) I don’t think Gene was legitimately evil, but he could be a real dick after six or seven party beers.

Boar Gore

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 4, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Boar

You know how when you’re sitting in a bar having an excessive amount of refreshing adult beverages and talking to the hobo next to you, and the topic inevitably turns to giant razorbacks rampaging around the Australian Outback and eating people? Order another drink because a movie is being made with that same subject matter.

Boar

Boar, releasing in 2016, is the bloody and violent (i.e., heartwarming) story of a monstrous razorback with jagged tusks eating people. Yeah, it’s been done many times before (Razorback/1984, Pig Hunt/2008, Chaw/2009, Prey/2010, Hogzilla/2014), but infrequent enough to warrant another romp and chomp.

Boar

Here’s what will boar us: “In the harsh, yet beautiful Australian outback lives a beast, an animal of staggering size, with a ruthless, driving need for blood and destruction. It cares for none, defends its territory with brutal force, and kills with a raw, animalistic savagery unlike any have seen before. Believed nothing more than a myth, a legend brought to life by a drunken local, the beast ventures closer to civilization, closer to life, and ultimately, closer to death. It’s brutal, it’s bloodthirsty, it’s boar.”

Boar

What makes giant hog horror movies so compelling is the creatures really exist, with some weighing in excess of 1,000 pounds. That’s a lot of breakfast makin’s. Best to stay away from these ferocious beasts and let drunk redneck hunters with machine guns put ’em on the plate for us.