Archive for August, 2015

Mars: The Go-To Planet To Go To

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 23, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Martian

Do believe in Martians? If you’re like one of those Flat Earth/Hollow Earth conspiracy theorist idiots on YouTube™, you probably do.

And why the heck not? Mars is big news these days, what with tantalizing new pics coming in daily via NASA’s Curiosity Rover showing geo-formed rocks that look like actual residents kicking it around the Red Planet. Besides, since aliens are long known to have built factories on the dark side of the Moon – proven by blurry photos interpreted by pseudo-scientists and anyone with low-level credentials and/or white lab coats – Mars is way less boring than the Moon, which regularly gives werewolves a night out every 30 days.

Martian Land

Yeesh – all over the lunar surface here.

Anyway, two Mars based sci-fi movies headed toward your orbit: The Martian, a big-budget Ridley Scott interplanetary thriller starring Matt Damon, arriving in September 2015. And as could be expected, Martian Land from The Asylum – a low-budget horror/sci-fi film studio long established as idea thieves hiding under lawsuit-safe words like “mockumentary” and “homage,” releasing in the contrails of The Martian on October 6, 2015. The plots, if you will…

The Martian

The Martian: “During a human mission to Mars, astronaut Mark Watney (Matt Damon) is presumed dead after being caught in a fierce storm, and is left behind when the rest of the crew evacuate the planet and begin to head back to Earth. Watney finds himself stranded and alone, with only meager supplies and his ingenuity, wit, and spirit to subsist and find a way to signal home, despite knowing that even if his survival is made known there is no prospect of a rescue.”

The Martian

Martian Land: “In the distant future mankind lives on Mars, in cities that resemble those once found on Earth, protected from the alien atmosphere by dome-like force-fields. When a massive sandstorm breaks through the dome and destroys Mars New York, those in Mars Los Angeles must figure out how to stop the storm before it wipes them out next.”

Mars New York/Mars Los Angeles. What, no Mars Canada?

So, if like those Flat Earth/Hollow Earth conspiracy theorist idiots on YouTube™ you have too much time on your hands, waste it on Martian Land. Everyone else – of which I hope there are many – see you in line to see The Martian.

Santa Claus Conquers The Martians

P.S. For a comprehensive study of Mars and its inhabitants, check out the definitive Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964), in “space-blazing color, no less. Lab coat not required.

Be Witched

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 21, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Salem

The rich tapestry of witches seems to have taken root these days, fueled possibly by the success of the TV series Salem (2014), an annoyingly hard-to-follow depiction of fevered witch paranoia life in stinky Massachusetts in the late 1600s. (If your neighbor thought you to be in league with Big D, you were proved it merely by hearsay in a court of law and burned alive in the public square, the colonial version of a tailgate party.

The Lords of Salem

Rock dude/horror filmmaker Rob Zombie even tried his hand at some lovin’ from the coven in 2013 with the The Lords of Salem. (I’m generally a fan of Zombie’s music and film work, but that thing is outright laughable and does great disservice to our witchy women.)

The Last Witch Hunter

Regardless, the market fire burns hot for Wiccans and their vibrant community. Vin Diesel (Riddick himself!) is set to release The Last Witch Hunter (2015), followed by The Witch (2016), a period horror piece that promises some wicked wickedness.

The Witch

Here’s what The Witch is conjuring (heh): “Evil takes many forms in this vintage horror thriller set in New England in the 1600s about a family and their suddenly missing children.”

The Witch

Okay, not a lot to go on. But the trailer is a tasty appetizer. And early reviews gush that The Witch “blends The Crucible, The Shining and The Exorcist in a frightening New England folktale.”

Wiccapedia: A Modern Day White Witch's Guide

You can find more information about witches in Wiccapedia: A Modern-Day White Witch’s Guide (2011), written by “spiritual life coaches” and celebrity witches Shawn Robbins and Leanna Greenaway. If those aren’t kick ass credentials, then you’re likely a non-believer. I fear for your very soul.

Witching & Bitching

P.S. For a really fun/funny/f’d up witch movie, check out Spain-made Witching & Bitching (2013). The first 15 minutes alone will put a spell on you (heh).

This Bear Is Grizzly

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 18, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Unnatural

Like comfort food for the eyes, there’s nothin’ like a good ‘ol “nature strikes back” horror movie to reinforce why hiking/camping is not good for you, and that sitting on the couch watching hikers/campers being torn apart by our woodland friends is very good for you.

Because of that, can’t wait for Unnatural (2015), a heartwarming story about a massive, genetically altered bear, possibly polar in nature, to light up my couch life.

Unnatural

Part of After Dark’s 8 Films to Die For (hitting theaters October, 2015), Unnatural takes us into snack canyon: “A morally ambiguous corporation experiments with genetic modification resulting in the advent of a bloodthirsty man hunting creature. When it escapes, a group of unsuspecting Alaskan Natives and their inexperienced guests, which includes a high maintenance celebrity photographer and a pair of models, become prey for the abomination in a horrifying game of cat and mouse.”

Into The Grizzly Maze

It may be coincidence, but Unnatural comes in the wake of Into The Grizzly Maze, another rampaging giant bear movie just released in February 2015. Unfortunately, it only got a two-star rating. How can that be? Bears eating humans should automatically get four stars.

The Night of the Grizzly / Prophecy

There have been bear eating humans movies for decades. Two standouts are The Night of the Grizzly (1966) and Prophecy (1979). Both made me stain my britches. Two not standouts are Grizzly Rage (part of RHI Entertainment’s man-eater series, which came out in 2007) and Grizzly Park (2008). Both sucked huckleberries.

Bear

For a superior bear attack horror movie, though, give the simply titled Bear (2011) a spin. That one will make your fur stand on end and possibly cause you to stain your britches. As for me, been there, done that.

Bloody Good Punch

Posted in Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 17, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Blood Punch

Blood Punch. Sounds like something you’d drink at a Slayer fondue party. In actuality, it’s a horror movie with some gnarly violent violence. This one dates back to Fall of 2013, but I can’t remember that year, let alone how this blood punch stain got on my shirt. (Must’ve been a crazy good fondue party.)

Blood Punch finally comes out on DVD/VOD September 1st, 2015. Exclusive DVD material includes deleted scenes, outtakes and test footage. Extras seem like padding or “meatloaf filler” to me.

Anyway, here’s the get down: “Blood Punch is a bloody thriller, centered on a murderous love triangle that takes a shocking and grisly supernatural turn. Milton, a brilliant chemistry student breaks out of court-mandated drug rehab with a mysterious bad girl, Skyler.”

Blood Punch

“Looking to recruit a cook for a one-day drug score, she lures him to an isolated cabin with her psychotic and trigger-happy boyfriend Russell. Russell reveals he plans to murder Milton as soon as he is finished cooking the drugs, and their simple love triangle quickly descends into a mind-blowing supernatural cycle of carnage and mayhem with no end…and no escape.”

Drugs are stupid. Beer, or “smart water,” is the only path need taken.

For all intents, Blood Punch is a hit. (Heh.) It won the Dark Matters Award at the Austin Film Festival, it scored Best Director and Best Feature at the Hoboken Film Festival, and has walked with no less than seven additional Audience and Best Feature awards.

P.S. Don’t do drugs.

Fruit-Flavored Witches

Posted in Evil, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 16, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Cherry Tree

The new horror movie Cherry Tree (release pending, 2015) – not to be thought of as a sequel to the horroresque Cherry Tree Lane (2010) – is an odd title for a movie about witches, dark rituals and…gasp!…pregnancy. That is so icky.

So in Cherry Tree, a female hockey coach turns out to be the head of a centuries-old witch’s coven. (I knew I didn’t like hockey for a reason. And don’t get me started on goat-worshipping basketball players.)

Anyway, this hockey team/coven uses cherries from an ancient cherry tree to bring life back to the dead and dying. Not surprising cherries can do that; those little round flavor bombs with pits that can chip your teeth are good for you. And cherry juice tastes good in cocktails. Not in beer, though.

Coincidentally, a gal named Faith (seriously?) finds out her dad is dying. So she gets offered a deal by Team Coven to cure her dad in exchange for a newborn. Seems like an equitable arrangement. But soon Faith finds herself preggo and the fetus growing at an accelerated rate. Again, thank cherries – those things are, like, superfood.

But as with every bargain struck by an evil hockey team, there is a price to be paid – and it isn’t the Stanley Cup™. Nope, Faith and her fruit-cured dad have to do battle with the coven and hope humanity doesn’t end up in the penalty box.

Yep, kinda bored today.

War Inside My Head

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 14, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Pod

Saw the trailer for Pod (2015), a new sci-fi dealie. Interesting, but it doesn’t quite tell you what the movie is about. Luckily I can cheat and cut ‘n paste the synopsis…

“After receiving a troubling voice-mail, estranged siblings Ed and Lyla travel to their isolated family lake house in Maine to hold an intervention on their increasingly paranoid, war veteran brother, Martin. But the situation rapidly spirals out of control when they discover the house completely ransacked and learn that Martin has constructed an elaborate and horrifying conspiracy theory surrounding a sinister entity that he believes he has trapped in the basement.”

And therein lies the possible swerve – they tell us Martin is an “increasingly paranoid, war veteran” who “believes” he has a sinister entity trapped in the basement, probably next to an old lawnmower, some jars of once-edible gunk and an old fridge that doesn’t have any beer in it. This means it could all be in his hurt-y head.

Pod

War-induced schizophrenia is quite unfortunate for many and more sinister than any entity. (That is, unless you hang out at the Poggie Tavern in West Seattle during last call. You want entities? They should put ‘em on the menu.) But what if the entity is a for real extraterrestrial? The movie poster certainly hints at an otherworldly creature.

Guess we’ll just have to wait until August 28, 2015 when Pod comes out. In the meantime, I’ll do my time-killing at the Poggie. I just won’t go in their basement.

Door-To-Door Ghost

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Witches with tags , , , , , , , on August 13, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Don't Knock Twice

The new (as of 2015 anyway) horror vengeful ghost movie Don’t Knock Twice (cruddy title) is described as being “an emotional story full of suspense and twists.”

Plot in yer pants: “Don’t Knock Twice follows a guilt-ridden mother who wants to reconnect with the daughter she was forced to place into care. To save her estranged daughter, she has to uncover the terrifying truth behind the urban legend of a vengeful, demonic witch.”

Generic, but then today’s vengeful ghost movies, with few exceptions, are rarely anything but. If a ghost witch isn’t vengeful and demonic, then it’s a kid’s film. And nobody – except kids – wants that. So what does that leave us? A cookie-cutter horror plot, i.e., Darkness Falls/2003 and The Tooth Fairy/2006 to pull a few outta my haunted arse.

Being jaded suits me.