Archive for July, 2015

More Amityville Horrors

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 17, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Amityville Nightmares

Just 10 days ago as of this writing (July 7, 2015 to be 100% accurate), I had e-barfed about YET ANOTHER Amityville Horror cash-in: Amityville: The Awakening. Besides being a really dumb idea, the whole haunted house Amityville thing has been done and overdone since it started back in 1979, which began as a “based on true events” 1977 book of the same title by Jay Anson. (I personally think he goosed up some of the “supernatural horror” events to goose up sales.)

So now comes Amityville Nightmares, filming commencing in August 2015.  I swear, that whole series is like stepping in dog poop that you can’t ever quite scrape off your shoes. Based on Amy Miles’ recent book, Visitation: An Amityville Nightmare Novel, Amityville Nightmares focuses on theories and real life accounts of the original DeFeo murders.

Note to you: Ronald DeFeo, Jr. was the eldest son of the DeFeo family who shotgunned his entire family in half in that infamous house after “voices” in his head to him to do it, setting off several decades of paranormal speculation and cash-ins. (Too bad the voices didn’t tell him to clean his room – yeesh, what a mess.)

Ronald DeFeo Jr. As for the alleged spook talkers, it came up in DeFeo’s court trial that he was an abuser of heroin and LSD, and that he had an antisocial personality disorder. Antisocial? Get a rope!

The only thing I like about this impending movie is its kicker line: “It wasn’t the house that was haunted.” About time somebody got it right.

Werewoman

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, TV Vixens, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 16, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

When Animals Dream

I suppose if I were to be an animal (more than I already am – heh), I’d probably go with being a werewolf. Think of the advantages: Never have to get a haircut. Stay out all night. Scare the “for sale” sign into your neighbors. Pee on anything. Sure, there’s probably drawbacks, but other than fleas, I can’t think of any right now.

The girl in the upcoming movie When Animals Dream is a werewolf. I think being a werewoman might be more of a challenge for chicks: Hairy legs. No dress would fit. Eat meat and never taste another salad. Can’t sit down to pee. Yep, they call it “Wolf-Man” for a reason. Sexist? Yeah, probably.

In When Animals Dream (due out August 8, 2015 theaters/ On Demand), a young girl is hunted down by those living in her town when it’s revealed she’s a werewolf.

When Animals Dream

“It’s a coming-of-age horror film set in a secluded fishing village of Denmark about a young girl falling in love and discovering she’s a werewolf by her mother at the same time as she gets hunted down by the villagers.” She might want to talk to Frankenstein’s monster for some survival tips.

When Animals Dream is also described as Let The Right One In meets Carrie. Cool – there’s some blood on the horizon. Which begs the sexist question: If blood, which is like catnip to a werewolf, what happens when a female werewolf gets her other monthly cycle? Talk about the ultimate psycho b*tch. Your strategy? Leave town.

P.S. Over the ages there have been many a female werewolf. Start with She-Wolf of London (1946) and go from there.

She-Wolf of London

Fear of Horror and Sex

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 15, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Hollower

Agoraphobia. At first I thought it was a name for a Swedish death metal band. Turns out it’s an actual mental condition described as having fear of places and situations that might cause panic, helplessness, or embarrassment. Sounds like being the only dude at a women’s sex toy party. (Some of those personal comfort devices look more like off-shore drilling.)

Agoraphobia is at the root of an upcoming indie horror movie, Hollower (release pending 2015). There’s this teen kid who’s been suffering from it for the last three years. Then he meets a chick next door. Goodbye agoraphobia, hello raging teen hormones. Panties beat panic every time.

As the movie’s sparse press release goes on to say, “as their relationship blossoms Nathan (agora dude) begins to realize he’s not as alone as he thought. Something wants him and once it gets in, no one gets out.”

Hollower

Okay, that’s just not cool. This is a rank amateur description that indicates absolutely nothing about the mysterious something that might turn out to be the guy’s over protective mom. The movie poster shows some sort of dark entity that maybe watched The Babadook (2014) a couple of times. But other than that, we’re given near to nothing to make one want to watch the movie.

You want real scary? Spend 15 minutes at a women’s sex toy party. It’ll scar you for life.

Confessions of a Horror Icon

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 14, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Confession of Fred Krueger

Did you know Freddy Krueger’s middle name is Charles, or that he was originally known as the Springwood Slasher? I’ve watched all the Nightmare on Elm Street movies/sequels and did not know that. Maybe it came up, but I was probably in the kitchen looking for a sandwich of some kind to fill that empty place in my stomach the Elm Street movies left in me.

So why, after 10 movies and a somewhat craptacular TV series in 2005 (A Nightmare on Elm Street: Real Nightmares), am I still feeling unfulfilled? Because there simply wasn’t enough backstory on Freddy. Oh sure, they tried to half-assedly throw something together in the 2010 re-make. But to my sandwich-minded mind, it wasn’t enough.

The Confession of Fred Krueger

Now, with the release of the fan made film The Confession of Fred Krueger, I might be able to get some closure. Debuting at Indianapolis’ Horror Hound Weekend in September, CoFK looks to fill in all the gaping holes in the Freddy Krueger mythology. Here’s what’s in store…

The Confession of Fred Krueger

“The Springwood Police Department has just arrested a man named Fred Krueger, a janitor at the local power plant whom they believe to be the notorious Springwood Slasher. A filthy child murderer who killed 20 children over a five year long reign of terror on the nice suburban Ohio town. Krueger has been brought to the station to be interrogated by the department’s senior lieutenant. Sit down with one of the most charismatic and sinister man to ever walk the earth and hear him tell his story.”

Time to go grocery shopping for some sandwich fixins – don’t want to miss a single bite of this one.

Tales of Halloween

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 11, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Tales of Halloween

A suburban American town is terrorized by ghouls, aliens, and killers on one Halloween night.

There is nothing about that sentence I didn’t like.

Tales of Halloween

It describes the upcoming horror anthology, Tales of Halloween, due out October 16, 2015. And if the trailer is any indication, we’re looking at a creature feature of biblical proportions. The irony being that the bible is full of ghouls, aliens, and killers.

Tales of Halloween

What makes Tales of Halloween unique is that there are, like, a hundred famous horror/sci-fi genre people either acting or directing one of the 10 tales of ghouls, aliens, and killers. I’d drop some names, but hey, lazy.

Pant-less Alien

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , on July 9, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Encounter

When was the last time you were abducted by aliens? For me, it’s often, In fact, they’re running a bit late today. Wish they’d at least text me so I’m not just sitting around waiting.

Not sure if people get abducted in the upcoming alien invasion movie Encounter (due 2015). But a flying saucer (or “UFO”) crashes into a rural lake and an extraterrestrial with backward bent legs (think space grasshopper) comes out making noises like an empty stomach. And get this…he’s not wearing pants! (Maybe it’s on Spring Break.)

Encounter

Anyway, here’s what they have plotted: “In a quiet community outside of Washington, DC, a pair of tech-savvy roommates discover a hidden signal within our nations data and security systems. As the pair try to locate the source, strange happenings begin to occur throughout the neighborhood and the unsuspecting citizens discover something is stalking them.”

“As the truth of the unknown is revealed, they find themselves face to face with a chilling encounter.”

Ugh. Whoever wrote the promo copy needs to be probed by an English teacher.

Serial Killing Spuds

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 8, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Potatohead Jason

How the times haves changed. Just a few decades ago Jason from Friday the 13th (1980) and Freddy from A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) were graphically hacking up kids with razor sharp machetes and razor-fingered gloves. Now, thank to selective pop culture standards, both Jason and Freddy are soon available a Mr. Potato Head toys. Made for kids.

Poptaters™ has announced that they will be releasing both in October 2015 and are priced at $17.99 each via Entertainment Earth.

Potatohead Freddy

The reason I say selective is there have been hundreds of slasher after Jason and Freddy, and none are being made into Potato Heads. This is because the Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the 13th franchises made a LOT of money over the years. Nobody cares about the Driller Killer (1979), who only did about $14 at the box office. Man, that guy was cool – but there was nothing besides his power drill that that screamed, “I, too, could be a potato!”

All of which begs the question – if we’re gonna turn pop culture serial killer psychopaths into toys, why isn’t here a Norman Bates potato head? Or a Michael Myers, Leatherface or a Hannibal Lecter potato head? I think they novelty market is really missing out by not making a comprehensive line of serial killing potato toys. And hey, you can finally hack them up for a change.

The Unending Horror of Amityville

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 7, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Amityville: The Awakening

It isn’t schedule for release until 2016, but already red flags are going up around the impending Amityville – The Awakening, another coattail rider in the beleaguered Amityville Horror franchise, which started in 1979. (Amityville: The Awakening is the 14th offering in a once-kinda cool but now painfully laughable series.)

And they haven’t decided what to call it. Wikipedia has it listed as Amityville: The Reawakening, but the ad posters simply have it titled as Amityville: The Awakening. The irony here is that the sequel will probably put you to sleep (if the trailer is any indication). Here’s some more knuckleheadedness – Wikipedia™ states that the movie was released on January 2, 2015, yet IMDB.com says it comes out in April of 2016. Somebody needs to re-awake, pick a lane, and drive in it.

Amityville: The Awakening

So here’s how they go to the cursed well one more time: “Belle, her little sister Juliet, and her comatose twin brother James move into a new house with their single mother Joan in order to save money to help pay for her brother’s expensive healthcare.”

“But when strange phenomena begin to occur in the house including the miraculous recovery of her brother and Belle’s increasingly horrifying nightmares, Belle begins to suspect her mother isn’t telling her everything and soon realizes they just moved into the infamous Amityville house.”

Amityville: The Awakening

Weak. Clearly, after 14 movies, they ran out of ways to cash in other than to cram “Amityville” in the title and make leap of believability to place everyone back in the most infamous haunted house in the world. They should call it Amityville: The Re-Sleepening.

Dolls and Vomit

Posted in Evil, Misc. Horror, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 5, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Worry Dolls According to Guatemalan folklore, worry dolls (about half an inch high) are given to children who tell them their worries before they go to sleep. They place the worry dolls under their pillow and in the morning the dolls have taken their worries away. I think it’d be really funny to swap out the worry dolls with some tried ’n true rubber vomit while the kids are asleep. That’d give those little brats something to worry about. Heh. Worry Dolls So the comfort device now gets drafted into the horror realm with upcoming Worry Dolls movie, premiering at England’s Film4FRightFest in August, 2015. (Their website said is was coming out summer of 2014. Liars.) Nevertheless, Worry Dolls, with a really slick ad poster, goes a little something like this: “In the aftermath of the hunt for a serial killer, an ancient curse consumes a city, causing a series of brutal murders and pits a detective against the clock to save his daughter’s life.”

I bet the ancient curse somehow involves the use of rubber vomit. Dangerous Worry Dolls There were worry doll horror movies before this. First up was Dangerous Worry Dolls (2007), this one had the title characters coming out of a swollen hole in your forehead meant for a pineal gland gone wild. (See From Beyond/1986.) Dangerous Worry Dolls Here’s how dangerous these worry dolls are: “While serving time in a brutal women’s detention center. Eva wishes away her troubles to a set of tiny worry dolls. The dolls crawl in her ear at night and soon Eva becomes possessed.” From Beyond And, for those of you with a more sensitive horror stomach, Worry Dolls, featured as an episode on R.L. Stine’s The Haunting Hour: The Series, aired in October of 2013. There were no pineal glands in that one, which is why it sucked. Worry Dolls/Rubber Vomit You can find worry dolls on Etsy™ for $19.95. But you can get yourself outfitted with a timelessly hysterical rubber vomit novelty toy for $7.30 (+ $2.04 shipping) on eBay™. Talk about putting the gag in gag gift. Heh.

Hacking The Slasher Genre

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Misc. Horror, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 4, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dollface

The resurgence of the slasher horror movie sub-genre in recent years has me confused. (Then again, I get confused tying my shoes.) With the nightly news reporting seemingly non-stop stories of super f’d up people doing horrific things to people not wanting horrific things done to them, why make movies about such behavior?

Sure, it was fun back in the day of Halloween’s Michael Myers and Friday the 13th’s Jason Voorhees, hacking teens into sushi. But now real people do that stuff for real. So why would I want to pay to see that when I can get it for free on the news?

The new horror movie Dollface (releasing September, 2015) looks to change all that. Or at least give it a twist-y spin. Not that you can tell from the plot…

“In 1996, nine college students headed off for a fun weekend at a lake house on Horse Creek. At the house they uncovered the horrific story of Dorchester Stewart, also known as Crinoline Head, and his dollmaker mother, who once lived in the house. That weekend six students were killed, two survived, and one went missing.”

“Now, twenty years later, one of the survivors, Paul Donner, is teaching at the college he once attended. When his students discover an old newspaper article about the tragedy, they decide to visit the old lake house to learn more about Crinoline Head. While looking for answers, they discover something much more terrifying.”

Pretty generic. But watch the trailer and see if doesn’t pull you in. (I’d include it here, but man, am I lazy.)

Dollface

BTW – There was another Dollface, a seven-minute horror short on YouTube™ back in 2012. One of the better ones out there in case you’re writing this down.

L.A. Slasher

For another interesting take on the machete-wielding maniacs, L.A. Slasher (released June, 2015) takes on reality TV and lines up people who will do anything to be famous, and systematically slaughters them, ironically making the victims somewhat famous after all.

Or at least that’s what the plot tells me. I haven’t seen L.A. Slasher as it doesn’t offer me anything I haven’t seen on real TV every night.