Aliens Should Be Free

Aliens vs Titanic

Given how much of my life I’ve devoted to watching horror and sci-fi, you’d think something exquisitely cheesy like Aliens vs. Titanic would automatically move to the top of my viewing list. And I still haven’t seen it. And here’s the shocking reason why: I don’t have cable TV. Yep, most of my movie thrills come from YouTube™, where you don’t have to pay Comcast™ up the whazoo for overpriced and craptacular (ok, I get the irony here) programming.

That said, I first stumbled across Aliens vs. Titanic via a trailer on YouTube™ back in 2012. Made by TomCat Films™ (trying boldly to usurp the craptacular Asylum Films™), I figured it was only a matter of time before someone uploaded it, thereby saving me an embarrassment of riches.

Then time went by and I went on. Then AvT showed up again in 2014 with another trailer. And still no booted copy online. Then IMDB goes and lists AvT as being released in 2015. Still can’t find it anywhere for free. To say this makes my tummy upset is an understatement. Besides boasting a really funny kicker line: “The Unsinkable Meets The Unthinkable,” the movie has a tantalizing plot:

Aliens vs Titanic

“Offering only the finest amenities, the ‘TITAN 1C’ space-cruiser is considered the most luxurious star-liner ever built. Future spring-breakers on board are excited to be touring through space with some of the world’s elite.”

“A sudden meteor storm smashes into the hull, and a deadly biological alien life-form is let loose on the ship. Seeking a suitable host, the retrovirus successfully merges with some the passengers, transforming them into seemingly invincible predators with the ‘touch of death.’ As the ship is destroyed, the surviving passengers crash on a remote planet, and they learn that one of them is infected. They must quickly band together before it has a chance to slaughter them all.”

It’s a crime against my humanity to not be able to see this without paying for it. However, I shan’t give up the fight. So in your face, Comcast™, you monthly price-increasing b-holes.

P.S. I just saw mention online of Jaws vs. Titanic. May the gods shine down upon my head.

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