Archive for May, 2015

Sister Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 18, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ayla

Gotta hand it to some of these indie filmmakers who seek crowdfunding to get their movies made, especially when they come to market with amazing up front sales art. It’s like going to a job interview wearing your finest church clothes. (Note to HR at 7-Eleven™ – the butter stain on my church tee-shirt has been there for a while now. But the rest of my ensemble should not cast doubts on my hireability.)

Anyway, such is the example of the initial ad materials for Ayla, an in-production horror drama. Here is what’s behind the behind on the movie art: “A man haunted by the mysterious death of his young sister brings her back to life 30 years later as an adult woman, with dire consequences. Her name is Ayla, but they used to call her “A.”

And they used to call me “A-hole.” Heh.

Regardless, this one has all the appeal of a butter-stained shirt. And I mean that as a good thing. FYI: Their Kickstarter™ page begins June 9, 2015 and is filming in the Seattle area, where I wander. Note to the filmmakers: I’m available to hang out and party with the cast and crew.)

I Love The Dead

Posted in Foreign Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 17, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Burying The Ex

Two new horror comedies – one from the U.S. and the other from England – with almost identical plots: girlfriends coming back from the dead to mess with their still living boyfriends who now have new girlfriends. And to further screw with your mind, Life After Beth, a horror zombie comedy released in 2014, has the same plot outline as both these movies.

Burying The Ex

First up is Burying The Ex (2015), which follows Max, an “all-around nice guy, and his overbearing but incredibly beautiful girlfriend, Evelyn. Their relationship takes a nosedive when Evelyn turns out to be a controlling, manipulative nightmare. Max realizes it’s time to call it quits, but there’s just one problem: he’s too afraid to break up with her.”

“Fate steps in when Evelyn is involved in a freak accident and dies, leaving Max single and ready to mingle. Several weeks later, he has a chance encounter with Olivia, a cute and spirited girl who just might be his soul mate. But that same night, Evelyn returns from the grave as a dirt-smeared zombie and she’s determined to live happily ever after with Max…even if that means turning him into one of the undead.”

Um, are they sure that’s dirt she’s smeared with? Looks like something I saw monkeys at the zoo playing with. Good thing movie trailers aren’t filmed in smell-o-vision.

Nina Forever

Made in British Land, Nina Forever (2015) is an “outrageous horror-comedy in which a young man’s romance with his dream girl takes an unexpected turn when Nina, his dead ex-girlfriend, rises from the grave bloody and broken and shows up every time Rob and his new girlfriend make love.”

Nina Forever

This goons out Rob, but I think he’s not seeing some interesting mattress possibilities here.

Life After Beth

In Life After Beth (2014), another boyfriend sees his girlfriend die (from a snakebite) and later come back from the dead. Sure, she seems fine at first. But dead things, living or not, tend to get ripe, if you know what I mean. Think of a potato left out in the rain for, like, a really long time. Ick.

Life After Beth

Aliens and Werewolves

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Science Fiction, UFOs, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 16, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Area 51

Some new horror offerings, in case your daily recommended allowance of horror has not been met by watching the evening news.

First up is Area 51, in production since 2009 and just now hitting VOD and is YET ANOTHER one of those flippin’ annoying hand-held camera jobs. In this Area 51 (not to be confused with 2011’s Area 51 Confidential), as a class project several conspiracy theorists break into the legendary military base out in the Nevada desert said to house a junk yard of broken down UFOs and even an alien body or two. Or six.

Here’s the official rundown: “In 2009, three friends travel to the infamous Area 51 in order to uncover its secrets. They infiltrate the base using freon filled body suits in order to mask their body temperature. Once inside, the group discovers incredible technologies before finding themselves running for their lives from an unknown force.”

The “unknown force” probably has more to do with farting inside their body suits and not being able to escape the ensuing terror. AVClub.com’s review, though, says it all about Area 51: “A few fun and creepy effects shots, nothing that happens here couldn’t be surmised from simply reading the film’s title. What we really get is a complete failure of imagination.” Ouch.

Uncaged

If probing for government secrets or being probed by aliens isn’t your cup of beer, then you might be up for Uncaged (2015), a new werewolf movie that mixes found footage with trad-style filming.

Plot: “After several nights of waking up in the woods, a troubled teen straps a camera to himself to document how he’s getting there, only to find some things are better left a mystery.”

So a teen wolf doing selfies. I’m intrigued, though a werewolf running around with a GoPro™ strapped to his fuzzy head seems highly improbable. With all that wolfing around, you’d think the camera would fall off.

“Something’s lookin’ for food – and it found us…” Great line in Dark Was The Night, arriving in theaters on July 24, 2015. An ancient curse, a small town out in the trees, and stat worthy body counts.

Dark Was The Night

Synopsis: “Maiden Woods is a remote and quiet town of decent, hard-working people, but something stirs in the dark woods surrounding this isolated community. After a logging company decimates an area of the forest, a rash of increasingly violent and unexplainable events transpires. Sheriff Paul Shields and his deputy struggle to confront their own personal demons while facing down a new breed of raw terror that is possibly older than humanity itself…and much hungrier.”

Is the monster a werewolf? Bigfoot? A hillbilly with abundant facial hair? Probably all three. Better be if they want my movie coupons.

The Return of Mega Shark

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 14, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Mega Shark vs. Kolossus

Once a proud king of the ocean, the shark has now been relegated to being a repeated movie joke punchline. Jaws’ heart, if it was still beating, would be breaking right about now.

The latest shark sci-fi pits Mega Shark, an aircraft carrier sized Megalodon, against a size-appropriate robot. In Mega Shark vs. Kolossus (releasing July 7, 2015), the two monsters rumble in what Asylum Films, Hollywood’s notorious bottomfeeders, hopes to be a ratings bonanza.

Mega Shark vs. Kolossus

Here’s how they hope will accomplish that: “In search of a new energy source, Russia accidentally reawakens the Kolossus – a giant robot doomsday device from the Cold War.”

“At the same time, a new Mega Shark appears, threatening global security. Now the world must figure out how to stop the deadly giants before they destroy everything on land AND sea.”

Mega Shark vs. Kolossus

A giant robot from Russia? I thought only Japan made giant robots.

This is not a new swimming hole for Mega Shark. You can see the “King Kong of the sea” in Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus (2009), Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus (2010), and Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark (2014). Knock yourself out.

Mega Sharks

Sky Sharks

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 13, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Sky Sharks

Fins up, Sharknado – you’ve just been served. Sky Sharks, featuring science enhanced Great White sharks flown by Nazi zombies, are owning you just as soon as they get enough crowd-funding to finish this obvious masterpiece in the making.

Sky Sharks

Just the trailer alone has more splattery gore than most horror movies these days. And hey, who doesn’t like airborne sharks? The Discovery Channel™ even does entire episodes dedicated to the bi-element predator.

Sky Sharks

The plot is as delicious as shark fin soup: “Deep in the ice of the Antarctic a team of geologists uncover a still-intact Nazi laboratory where dark experiments had occurred.”

Sky Sharks

“Unwittingly, the geologists unleash upon the world a top-secret experiment the Germans had been working on – modified sharks that are able to fly, whose riders are genetically mutated, undead super-humans. The only thing that can stop them and possibly save the world is a military task force called “Dead Flesh Four” – assembled from reanimated U.S. soldiers who fell in Vietnam.”

Sky Sharks

I don’t know whether to cry or weep with happiness. Sky Sharks (2016 pending) has GOT to be made. Click HERE to make my dreams come true.

Slash Her Films

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 12, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Berkshire County

In my day they would’ve categorized horror like Berkshire County (arriving 2015) as a slasher film. Sure, the term is outdated and doesn’t come close to describing today’s predatory villain movies as torture porn. Harsh, but right on the money.

So what is torture porn? Had to ask an ice cream truck vendor in a clown suit for the definitive definition: A captor or captors ritually performing extreme, relentless, unblinkingly graphic torture on a bound captive(s). Couldn’t have said it better if I made it up myself just now.

So Berkshire County might not fall exactly into the torture porn category, but watching the trailer, it certainly has strong TP elements: Animal masked men wielding Wüsthof™ cutlery and violently terrorizing a young female babysitter. Here’s the synopsis (see if you can’t figure out who the slashers are)…

Berkshire County

“Kylie, a teen who is coerced into a sexual encounter at a party by a popular boy whose friends send video of it across social media. Her self-confidence in shreds and her reputation in tatters, she is in chronic victim mode when she reluctantly agrees to a desperate plea by a couple in a secluded castle-like mansion to babysit their two children on Halloween.”

Alone in the country she is a prime target when she begins receiving prank phone calls, and a boy wearing a pig’s head makes a suspiciously-late trick-or-treat call. What follows is a game of cat-and-mouse between Kylie and a surprisingly sophisticated gang of butchering hicks. It is a test of will that requires her to stand up and take charge if she and the children in her care are to survive the night.”

While it grabs fistfuls of truck ice cream of Halloween (1978), I liked it better when this was called You’re Next (2013), featuring animal masked villains wielding Wüsthof™ cutlery.

You're Next

Three-Dimensional Shark

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 11, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Jaws 3-D

A 35-foot Great White shark gets caught in Sea World, an all-people-you-can eat theme park. This is where admission paying citizens come to swim, water-ski and pee now that everyone has lost their, um, appetite for swimming in the ocean. (See Jaws and Jaws II).

Jaws 3-D

Once the rogue chomper has been outed, a big game diver goes in to kill it. The shark swallows him whole and chews on him like seal jerky—and they show this from the inside of the shark’s mouth looking out! You don’t see that every day. (I do because I bought the DVD. Hey, it was only $1.99 at the gas station still in its original wrapper.)

Jaws 3-D

Where Jaws 3-D (1983) further belly-ups is with the appearance of Mama Jaws, a submarine-sized shark that’s looking for her little lost torso-biter. Filmed in 3-D didn’t help matters much and only made the sharks look even more rubber-esque and thus by extension not cool.

Jaws 3-D

The original title for this wet willie was the best thing going for it: “Jaws 3, People 0.”

Carrie: Uncutting The Cuts

Posted in Classic Horror, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 9, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Carrie

Did you happen to see the 2013 re-boot of Carrie starring Chloë Grace Moretz as the telekinetic troubled teen who uses her mind powers to burn down her high school, thereby frying to a golden crisp everybody in it? I’m here to ruin your day – you didn’t see all of it. Ha! There was 40+ minutes cut, most of which played out Carrie’s destruction in more graphic detail.

Carrie

According to Petitionbuzz.com, fans of the movie have rallied and are demanding the Blu-ray and DVD have the entire movie reinstated, with all the deleted and cut scenes put back where they belong. If you agree – and you should – click HERE to sign the petition to make it happen. They need 20,000 signatures; as of today they have over 11,000. Sign the petition nine thousand times and let’s get this party started.

Here is the fans’ opening salvo…

TO: Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, Sony Pictures, Screen Gems, 20th Century Fox, and Misher Films:

This petition is for those avid Carrie fans who hope to see an Extended Director’s Cut of Carrie released on DVD and Blu-ray. It has come to the attention of fans that there were many scenes filmed, but later dropped from the theatrical cut – many of which were also, unfortunately, not included in the Deleted/Alternate scenes on the Blu-ray release.

Carrie

Back in December 2012, there were a number of people who attended the first test screenings of the film and confirmed that the original cut was longer and a lot different from what we saw in theaters. Based on fan speculation, feedback from Test-Audiences, and certain confirmed details concerning the film – the deleted and/or extended scenes include…

Click the link to see details of all the deletions and whip out your i-pen and sign that thing.

A World Infected With Zombies

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 8, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Infected

In the mood for YET ANOTHER generic zombie movie? Then you’re in luck because the generically titled Infected arrives June 2, 2015 and features a generic global pandemic that turns people into generic flesh-eating monsters while a generic group of survivors and a generic army squad hole up in a generic shelter and generically yell and cuss at each other as their generic food supply and ammunition runs out while the generic zombies close in.

If you watch the trailer, you’ve pretty much seen the whole movie. Am I being too harsh? Not when the above scenario has been done so many times I’ve lost count. And I can count pretty high. (I’m almost up to 1,000. Soon, very soon.)

Hollow Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 6, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Hollow One

This has got to be embarrassing for one or more people: two horror movies coming out at the same time with the same name. It’s like throwing a party for yourself and everybody shows up dressed exactly like you. (That’s one of my all-time worst nightmares.)

So in one corner we have the crowd funded The Hollow Ones and in the other corner the not crowd funded The Hollow One. (And to muddle matters, there’s a group of disassociated people who refer to themselves as “The Hollow Ones.” I bet they’re Goth idiots.)

The Hollow Ones

The Hollow One: “While searching for her missing father, an emotionally damaged woman confronts her tragic past and a shadowy figure with sinister intentions.”

Yeesh – who writes the press release copy for these things? The janitor?

The Hollow Ones: “The Hollow Ones is a horror thriller film about evil fairies, based on the 15th Century folklore of Changelings.”

Fairies are about the size of pork-fed butterflies and are easily squishable.

I feel more sorry for The Hollow One; Now they can’t use The Hollow Ones as a sequel name like they did with Alien/Aliens. Life sucks. Just ask “The Hollow Ones” wandering around the mall all dressed in Hot Topic™ on sale black.