The Horror of Grandparents

The Visit

So now they’re using grandma and grandpa as horror movie antagonists. Not sure I’m down with this as going to my grandparents house as a kid was like a trip to Disney Land™: free cookies, cartoons all day on TV and what I firmly believed to be a giant rat monster in the downstairs cellar that smelled like freshness-expired cadavers/peaches and a single light bulb that worked only half the time. How did my grandma get me to descend into Hell to fetch a jar of cadaver peaches? Free cookies, duh.

So The Visit, a new horror movie by the hit beleaguered M. Night Shyamalan whose After Earth (2013) was slammed by critics with more credibility than me, is about grandparents harboring a dark secret in their remote Pennsylvania farm. (I bet you anything it’s giant rats.)

As the press release goes, a brother and sister, sent to their grandparents farm, soon discover the old farts are involved in something “deeply disturbing.” If it isn’t squeezing mutated tentacles from a cow’s bikini area to get breakfast milk, one can only imagine what the disturbing part is. Here’s the kicker: the kids can’t leave the house. So if they want milk on their farm cereal, time to man up and go deep.

Look for The Visit to arrive September 11, 2015. And while it’s on your mind, call your demonic and deeply disturbed grandparents today – they’ve been waiting to hear from you. (Ask about free cookies.)

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