Archive for March, 2015

Soul With Nowhere To Go

Posted in Classic Horror, Ghosts, Scream Queens, Zombies with tags , , , , , on March 21, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Carnival of Souls

In the spook classic Carnivals of Souls (1962), a young woman drives her car off a bridge and dies, but she’s too blonde to realize it.

Carnival of Souls

A male pattern baldness zombie ghoul ghost relentlessly pursues her to welcome her to the club. This goons her out.

Carnival of Souls

It also irritates the woman as all she wants to do is wash her hair and field pick-up lines from the alcoholic swinger living downstairs in the boarding house she’s shacked up in. Her best line: “I’d rather die than go out with you.” 

Funny she should word it that way.

President Shark

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 20, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!

Usually I’m a big believer in something that’s worth doing is worth overdoing. (Start with refreshing cans/bottles of refreshing Budweiser™ and go from there.)

The reason I say that is I’m not a 100% hedonist. Thinkin’ maybe 98.3% tops. So if I apply that formula to the 2013 cult sci-fi hit Sharknado (upper end of the indulgent odometer) and 2014’s Sharknado 2: The Second One (about 64%), it stands to reason that the impending Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!, slated for release in late July 2015, while clearly going to the well once too often, should come in at 41% on my gluttony-for-bad-movies scale. Why? What else can they do with the plot?

Here’s the filmmaker’s argument: “The battle between man and nature lands on the steps of the Nation’s capital where the latest storm is threatening to destroy everything from Washington D.C. to Florida. It’s up to returning heroes Tara Reid and Ian Ziering to squash this storm for good. Also appearing in the third film will be Mark Cuban as the President of the United States, Ann Coulter as the VP, Chris Jericho as a roller coaster operator, and Jerry Springer as a tourist.”

Ugh. You know you’re scraping bottom when you put Jerry Springer in your movie.

So will I watch Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!? Maybe. Depends on how many refreshing cans/bottles of Budweiser™ I have under my belt.

Brown Bag Demonic Possession

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 19, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Vatican Tapes

The Vatican Tapes, a horror movie about demonic possession and the mocking of the collection plate, is scheduled for release May 22, 2015. Praise be unto film distributors.

There have been a number of religion based horror (or horror based religion) lately. Too many for me to list as I’m hungry and would rather research a sandwich made with hole-y cheese. (Heh.) And since no movie about demon possession can ever top The Exorcist (1973), the rest come across as savory as a communion wafer. But hey, whatever floats your soul.

The Vatican Tapes

The Vatican Tapes concerns the haunting tale of 27-year-old Angela Holmes, who accidentally cuts her finger and ends up in the emergency room. Man, I hope she has insurance because the emergency room is out-of-pocket expensive. And the waiting room stinks, filled with the stench of pension drunks filled with holy spirits (i.e., $2 fortified wine).

Anyway, infection sets in and leads to erratic behavior, and Angela has a devastating effect on anyone in her general direction, causing serious injury and death. Both can be harmful to your long-term health.

The Vatican Tapes

Priests, who took the vow of silliness, examine Holmes and believe she is possessed. But when the Vatican is texted to exorcise the demon, the possession proves to be an ancient satanic force more powerful than they imagined.

The Vatican Tapes

Movies with this theme all seem to operate under the same business model and come across as pointless given the inevitable set-up: Good vs. Evil, blah, blah, blah. Ironic that most possessions can be attributed to $2 fortified wine. More so when chugged from the Chalice of Benediction, which usually comes in a handy twist top bottle and conveniently wrapped in a brown paper bag.

Bigfoot Is The Something In The Woods

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 18, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Something In The Woods

Have you ever seen a Bigfoot? If so, did you offer yourself as a blood sacrifice that resulted in your death? Do you have fur growing where there was no fur before? More importantly, have you ever been to Ohio?

If you’ve answered yes to one or more of the questions, then you’re just the person to see Something In The Woods, a new Sasquatch horror movie, making its premier in Ohio on May 15th at Salt Fork Lodge & Conference Center, which hosts the biggest Bigfoot conference in the world. (Note to self: Move to Ohio.)

Something In The Woods has this to say about that: “Strange and scary things happen at small family farm. but for John Hartman there is only one thing to do – stand his ground against something that the rest of the world says doesn’t exist – until he realizes that nothing is more important than the safety of his family.”

Small Farm John is doing the right thing by protecting his fam fam. But in the trailer, John is shown brandishing a weapon as a mode of defense. When will humans learn? Bullets bounce off Bigfoot as though he was from Krypton. Best to just hand over some berries, maybe a breakfast pig and whatever cash you have on hand, and just walk away. If you value your life.

Cave Man – Cradle To The Grave, Man

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 17, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The X-Species

A new one about man being at the bottom of the food chain while an “as yet undocumented by science or someone playing a scientist” creature slaps on the feed bag and goes to town on a big dripping slab of buttsteak.

Arriving sometime in 2015, The X-Species is shot in regular style filming, POV and found footage. Not a fan of the last two. (Found footage is the karaoke of filmmaking.) If you agree then we’ll both have to suck it up and see what the new species of apex predator is all about.

Here’s the less-than-sizzling press release: “An archaeological expedition uncovers a prehistoric hominid burial site. When their team is unexpectedly attacked they are forced to take refuge in the catacombs of an unmapped cave. One by one they fall to an ancient predator.”

The X-Species

The trailer indicates the beast is of the two-legged variety and is much taller than whatever it kill eats. Think Sasquatch as a basketball center. His pre-kill eat growl sounds like a gurgling hungry stomach, only louder, as if it swallowed a microphone.

I’m sure The X-Species is at least worth 90 minutes of couch time, but I’m hoping this isn’t just another “throw a bunch of people into an unfamiliar territory and a monster picks ’em off over a soundtrack of screaming and bleeding” borefest. Not that I’m against such things, it’s just that I’ve seen all 152 times before. [Newbies: Start with Area 407 (2012) and rewind from there.]

Area 407

House of Dull Ghosts

Posted in Asian Horror, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 15, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

House of the Invisibles

House of the Invisibles (2007) is a Chinese “horror” movie about the remaining residents in a haunted demolition-marked apartment building. Geez, all they had to do was raise the rent to get ‘em to move out. Why go to all the trouble of getting a cool but unnecessary wrecking ball?

A man murders his wife with a pillow and then hangs himself. Later, their ghosts are called into action when they’re disturbed by a cast of incredibly dull and pointless characters. You have a fat guy addicted to prostitutes, a loser who can’t stop gambling, a pot-head who can’t stop smoking and several ghosts downstairs (looking suspiciously like humans) who are trying to get a host body so they can get out of the building.

You only know House of the Invisibles is a ghost flick because they tell you. What spirits you do see are only on screen for a second, though one prostitute does show her rotted face (it wasn’t that messed up) for five seconds.

No scares, no nudity, no blood, no brain-eating, no swearing. How this is supposed to count as horror is beyond my realm. Duped again.

Death Pops A Wheelie

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , on March 14, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Homicycle

Always wanted to be a baddass motorcycle guy, making loud frap-frap-frap noises at stoplights in front of libraries, parking on sidewalks that have signs that say “no  parking on sidewalks,” flipping off little kids and basically being a big leather dumf*ck on wheels other than a big leather dumbf* with a bus pass.

But I’m too much of a four-door wuss to own a bike, let alone ride free on one across my neighbors’ lawns. So I’ll have to live vicariously through Homicycle (2015), a long-overdue indie ’80s style exploitation flick. (First heard about it a couple of years ago. So kudos to the filmmakers for keeping my dreams alive.)

So what does Homicycle do? Glad you asked: “A town is under siege by a gang of drug dealers when from seemingly out of nowhere, a mysterious man in black astride a motorcycle begins targeting the junk peddlers for death!”

The Wraith

Aside from “astride” (who even uses that word anymore except people who go to libraries while I frap-frap-frap outside?), I’m diggin’ this business model. Sure, you have The Wraith (1986) who does kinda the same revenge-fueled agenda thing, but in a really cool car (clearly an inspiration for Homicycle). But since when does a revenge-fueled agenda suck, especially when it ends up in splattery retribution?

P.S. If you ride around on a cool bike and have revenge on your mind,  wear a helmet. It’s the law. And if you break the law, you’re probably a criminal. No one wants that.