Archive for March, 2015

Bigfoot Is The Something In The Woods

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 18, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Something In The Woods

Have you ever seen a Bigfoot? If so, did you offer yourself as a blood sacrifice that resulted in your death? Do you have fur growing where there was no fur before? More importantly, have you ever been to Ohio?

If you’ve answered yes to one or more of the questions, then you’re just the person to see Something In The Woods, a new Sasquatch horror movie, making its premier in Ohio on May 15th at Salt Fork Lodge & Conference Center, which hosts the biggest Bigfoot conference in the world. (Note to self: Move to Ohio.)

Something In The Woods has this to say about that: “Strange and scary things happen at small family farm. but for John Hartman there is only one thing to do – stand his ground against something that the rest of the world says doesn’t exist – until he realizes that nothing is more important than the safety of his family.”

Small Farm John is doing the right thing by protecting his fam fam. But in the trailer, John is shown brandishing a weapon as a mode of defense. When will humans learn? Bullets bounce off Bigfoot as though he was from Krypton. Best to just hand over some berries, maybe a breakfast pig and whatever cash you have on hand, and just walk away. If you value your life.

Cave Man – Cradle To The Grave, Man

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 17, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The X-Species

A new one about man being at the bottom of the food chain while an “as yet undocumented by science or someone playing a scientist” creature slaps on the feed bag and goes to town on a big dripping slab of buttsteak.

Arriving sometime in 2015, The X-Species is shot in regular style filming, POV and found footage. Not a fan of the last two. (Found footage is the karaoke of filmmaking.) If you agree then we’ll both have to suck it up and see what the new species of apex predator is all about.

Here’s the less-than-sizzling press release: “An archaeological expedition uncovers a prehistoric hominid burial site. When their team is unexpectedly attacked they are forced to take refuge in the catacombs of an unmapped cave. One by one they fall to an ancient predator.”

The X-Species

The trailer indicates the beast is of the two-legged variety and is much taller than whatever it kill eats. Think Sasquatch as a basketball center. His pre-kill eat growl sounds like a gurgling hungry stomach, only louder, as if it swallowed a microphone.

I’m sure The X-Species is at least worth 90 minutes of couch time, but I’m hoping this isn’t just another “throw a bunch of people into an unfamiliar territory and a monster picks ’em off over a soundtrack of screaming and bleeding” borefest. Not that I’m against such things, it’s just that I’ve seen all 152 times before. [Newbies: Start with Area 407 (2012) and rewind from there.]

Area 407

House of Dull Ghosts

Posted in Asian Horror, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 15, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

House of the Invisibles

House of the Invisibles (2007) is a Chinese “horror” movie about the remaining residents in a haunted demolition-marked apartment building. Geez, all they had to do was raise the rent to get ‘em to move out. Why go to all the trouble of getting a cool but unnecessary wrecking ball?

A man murders his wife with a pillow and then hangs himself. Later, their ghosts are called into action when they’re disturbed by a cast of incredibly dull and pointless characters. You have a fat guy addicted to prostitutes, a loser who can’t stop gambling, a pot-head who can’t stop smoking and several ghosts downstairs (looking suspiciously like humans) who are trying to get a host body so they can get out of the building.

You only know House of the Invisibles is a ghost flick because they tell you. What spirits you do see are only on screen for a second, though one prostitute does show her rotted face (it wasn’t that messed up) for five seconds.

No scares, no nudity, no blood, no brain-eating, no swearing. How this is supposed to count as horror is beyond my realm. Duped again.

Death Pops A Wheelie

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , on March 14, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Homicycle

Always wanted to be a baddass motorcycle guy, making loud frap-frap-frap noises at stoplights in front of libraries, parking on sidewalks that have signs that say “no  parking on sidewalks,” flipping off little kids and basically being a big leather dumf*ck on wheels other than a big leather dumbf* with a bus pass.

But I’m too much of a four-door wuss to own a bike, let alone ride free on one across my neighbors’ lawns. So I’ll have to live vicariously through Homicycle (2015), a long-overdue indie ’80s style exploitation flick. (First heard about it a couple of years ago. So kudos to the filmmakers for keeping my dreams alive.)

So what does Homicycle do? Glad you asked: “A town is under siege by a gang of drug dealers when from seemingly out of nowhere, a mysterious man in black astride a motorcycle begins targeting the junk peddlers for death!”

The Wraith

Aside from “astride” (who even uses that word anymore except people who go to libraries while I frap-frap-frap outside?), I’m diggin’ this business model. Sure, you have The Wraith (1986) who does kinda the same revenge-fueled agenda thing, but in a really cool car (clearly an inspiration for Homicycle). But since when does a revenge-fueled agenda suck, especially when it ends up in splattery retribution?

P.S. If you ride around on a cool bike and have revenge on your mind,  wear a helmet. It’s the law. And if you break the law, you’re probably a criminal. No one wants that.

A Talking Hole

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Misc. Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 12, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Deep Dark

With so many horror movies using just about any object that can be controlled by Satan to act as a possessed plot device, it doesn’t surprise that a mere hole in the wall would get a new coat of paint in the impending Deep Dark (2015), a story about a failed sculptor who discovers that a hole in the wall talks to him.

As the press release tells me/you/us, “The hole has the power to fulfill his wildest dreams, – or it just might become his worst nightmare.”

I can think of at least one time in my life where a hole had the power to fulfill my wildest dreams, then later became my worst nightmare.

Get your mind OUT of the gutter; I was referring to a Vegas slot machine. And just so you know, slot machines can have girl names, in this case B*tchzilla.

German Zombies and Werewolves

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers, Werewolves, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 10, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bunker of the Dead 3D

An odd horror sub-genre that once again resurrects Nazis as zombies, this latest entry being Bunker of the Dead 3D (2015), shot first-person shooter (or “POV”) style. Both are boring because it’s been done some many gott verdammt times, notably dating back to 1977’s Shock Waves, in which underwater Nazi zombies come up from the sea bed to eat your head. (Note to purists: there were probably other Nazi horror movies before that, but I haven’t had my breakfast/lunch/dinner/bed time snacks yet and as yet can’t think clearly.)

Shock Waves

In Bunker of the Dead 3D you will be subject to annoying hand-held camera POV video game style filming, with lots of swearing, gun fire and meaty zombies. Ambitious to be sure. But man, can’t someone come up with something more original that hasn’t been done one billion million times? Geez.

Dead Snow & Dead Snow 2: Red vs. Dead

Not that I got that off my war chest, here’s what’s inside of Bunker of the Dead 3D: “Two friends spend their weekends trying to find a WWII underground military base. Used by the Nazis as a secret research institute, it is rumored to hide the lost gold of the Third Reich. The entrance of the cave system, however, lies right within the restricted area of a US military base. The first of many problems the two friends will have to face.” Ugh, that press release copy is as weak as the whole movie idea.

Frankenstein's Army

For my Deutsch marks Dead Snow (2009) and Dead Snow 2: Red vs. Dead (2014) are two of the best/funniest/fun Nazi zombie movies going. For an even weirder and f’d up Nazi horror movie, you might want to check out Frankenstein’s Army (2013). Despite its limited budget, the story is far from haufen mist and it features some of the sickest monster hybrids this side of Hellraiser’s (1987) Cenobites.

Werewolf Hunt

Or if surreal monsters make your tum tum hurt, you could try Werewolf Hunt (2012). I haven’t seen it, but the guy who drives the garbage truck on my block insists it’s a war movie that refers to a Nazi underground bunker called Werewolf. Too bad if it’s true; Nazi werewolves (like the ones featured in a bloody dream sequence in An American Werewolf in London (1981) seems like overlooked Nazi gold.

An American Werewolf in London

Less Than Hero

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 8, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Gamera: Super Monsters

There’s a reason they waited 15 years to do another Gamera movie after 1980’s Gamera: Super Monster. It took that long for the worst Gamera movie ever made to be purged from our memory banks. But the thing is, I DON’T FORGET. At least when it comes to giant monster movies. So nice try, Japan. It’ll be a cold day in Kitakyushu before you can put one over on me.

Gamera: Super Monster

Gamera: Super Monster isn’t really a stand alone movie, but rather a “greatest hits” muddled mess that relied on stock battle footage from all the other Gamera films to try and put one over on me. Zanon, an evil alien (aren’t they all?) arrives in our atmospheric zip code in a spaceship that looks suspiciously like the Imperial I-class Destroyer from Star Wars (1977). You hear his boom-y voice as he commands a Japanese (?) chick alien enlistee to enslave all of humanity. I think not; first they gotta get by Gamera, the giant turtle with reverse walrus tusks and fire that shoots out of every orifice.

Gamera: Super Monster

Where this thing rolls over on its back and can’t get up is when the three Superwomen, also from space (but working in disguise at pet shops and driving around in a Scooby Doo™ type mystery van), do some choreographed kung-fu cheerleader moves and suddenly appear in costume to put a screeching halt to this enslavement hoo-haw.

Gamera: Super MonsterOne of the Superwomen befriends a small boy with really f’d up teeth (think Timmy from South Park) who has a psychic connection to Gamera, whom the overdubbed voices think is pronounced “guh-MARE-uh” instead of something that sounds like “camera.” She gives him an enslaved turtle from the pet store, not knowing little bugger is you-know-who.

Gamera: Super Monster

Too much plot. Time to cram in stock footage of Gamera smack-smacking all his other foes: Gyaos (vampire pterodactyl with an anvil shaped head – an ongoing pain in Gamera’s protective shell), Jiger (fat ass dinosaur), Guiron (space reptile with a head shaped like a chef’s knife), Viras (giant space squid, who, when cooked properly, could be served with rice balls and any variety of noodles), Zigra (a flying shark with razor sharp dorsal fins designed to cut the gut of enemies and then feast on their guts), and Barugon, the lizard with the longest tongue ever. And he can fart rainbows. Not kidding, he really does.)

Gamera: Super Monster

The Spacewomen don’t do much more than change their clothes every five minutes and hang around while the evil space woman tries to get the other monsters to make turtle soup out of Gamera so Zanon can assume the position. Then there’s the painfully prolonged scene where she and the f’d up tooth boy transport to the beach to watch the monsters piledrive each other (cut to the stock footage), with no one else in the city even noticing the kaiju are even there.

Gamera: Super Monster

The previous seven Gamera movies – known as the Shōwa series – are camp classics, mostly made for kids, but highly entertaining to adults when augmented by some Sapporo tall boys. Note: There was supposed to be Gamera vs. Garasharp in 1972, but the movie studio went bankrupt and they sold everything to Tokuma Shoten, who promptly lifted his kimono and squeezed out the mega-turd Gamera: Super Monster. Okay, uncalled for stereotyping; He probably wore Dockers™.)

Gamera: Super Monster

Now that I think about it, they missed the boat here; a sure fire hit would’ve been to make a movie called Gamera vs. Mega-Turd. Then, as a sequel, they could’ve followed up with Gamera vs. Mecha-Turd. I have a script ready if Japan is interested in reclaiming their pop film culture heritage.

Gamera: Trilogy

Final note: If Gamera: Super Monster didn’t make you give up on giant turtles altogether, I beseech you to check out the three in the Heisei series: Gamera: Guardian of the Universe (1995), Gamera 2: Advent of Legion (1996 – arguably one of the best giant monster movies ever made) and Gamera 3: Awakening of Irys (1999). What followed is a prequel of sorts for the Millennium series called Gamera the Brave (2006). Extraordinarily dumb, at least Gamera, as a teenager, fights Zedus, a fairly gnarly kaiju who beats the sea water out of Gamera to the point you want the ref to stop the match. I’m big into Gamera (love you, mean it), but I got a lot of satisfaction watching the beatdown. I’m a sick dude.

Alien Germs

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 6, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Not Human

Alien plagues are nothing new. In fact, my neighbor came down with a case of it just the other day. (He better have – if he’s faking it just to keep me awake all night with his “coughing,” then there’s a probing with a double-capacity turkey baster in his near future.)

An alien plague is at the b-hole center of Not Human, an indie sci-fi action flick that just arrived on DVD (March 2015). Once contracted, this extraterrestrial germ goons you out big time and mutates you in ways only non-alcoholic beer can do.

But don’t trust me implicitly; here’s the plot which I copied and pasted off the internet: “Not Human follows the story of peaceful, rustic Metzburgh: a quiet village whose glory days are long past after the collapse of Metzburgh grain.”

Not Human

“When a meteorite crash lands in the peaceful community, Glen, a homeless ex-employee of the grain silos, gets too close to the crash site and a chemical poison sprays out of the meteorite, enveloping him. The chemical agent known only as Ombis begins to turn his insides into a slimy substance, consuming Glen’s body and spreading the alien infection.”

“The virus starts to overrun the unsuspecting village. Adding to the chaos, a mysterious government special containment team shows up and attempts to keep order while trying to contain the alien plague.”

If all those years watching The X-Files has taught me anything it’s that the government can’t be trusted with anything extraterrestrial. Thanks to them, I now spend most of my nights looking to the skies for weather balloons. I want to believe in weather balloons.

A Blimey Werewolf

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens, Werewolves on March 4, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Crying Wolf

Stop me if you heard this: A bloodied guy bursts into a local pub and gasps, “There are werewolves outside…” OK, so that was me. I do that every time I go into a bar. Hey, if something works for me I stick with it.

But this is more or less the intro to Crying Wolf (in 3D no more or less), in limbo for a few years but promising to see light of day in 2015 (no specific full moon given).

Crying Wolf

A British dark comedy horror film, the plot tells the story of “strange and weird goings on in a little English village called Deddington. The unusual death of a young local girl by a rabid monster causes alarm and revulsion, before desperate reporters, crazy detectives and revenge seeking hunters descend on the scene.”

The trailer is loaded with spraying blood, slippery gore and a pile of funny lines. Examples: Werewolves? So do they turn in circles before they pee?” and “I hope you get neutered, motherf*ckers!”

Caroline Munro

What piques my interest even more is the appearance of legendary Hammer Horror Queen Caroline Munro, who at 66, is still one the hottest and sexiest starlets to ever almost show her boobs on screen. (See Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter / 1974 for a glimpse.)

A British werewolf. Sounds familiar. I must ponder this over a Guinness™ (or “Tall Lad”) at a local English pub out by the moors.

A Real Party Killer

Posted in Classic Horror, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 3, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Eve

Been hearing about this nifty indie horror move, The Eve (2015), for some time now. In dog years probably three. But since I can’t remember what I had for breakfast three years ago, The Eve fell off my radar.

But like a cold sore, it popped back up and is ready for a movie/TV/iPad™/iPhone 6 Plus™ with 5.5-inch display (from $299) screen near your general direction.

Why you might care: “A group of friends heads off to the remote island of Martha’s Vineyard to celebrate New Year’s Eve and reconnect. As tensions rise, an unforeseen presence halts celebrations and instead turns their holiday into a fight to live through to the new year.”

At first glance it looks like a slasher dude has further isolated the group of four and has disabled their amenities. (I absolutely FREAK if I don’t have amenities.) Then they are systematically attacked by…

The Eve

Not sure. Could be a garden variety slasher. Might be a ghost of one of their friends whom they “accidentally” killed while at another weekend getaway. Or, if my theory holds, a satanic evil demon spirit. Then again, probably not. Satanic evil demon spirits usually charge a lot of money for these types of gigs.

Oh, I know – it’s their suppressed guilt manifesting itself into people slaughtering fun times. Swish – nothin’ but net!