Archive for February, 2015

Nazi Gargoyles

Posted in Evil, Fantasy, Giant Monsters, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 18, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

 

Reign of the Gargoyles

During World War v2.0 the occult-believing stink Nazis unearth a mythical fortress containing gargoyles. Reanimating them via the wonder juice known as human blood, the gargoyles come to life and pick up where they left off, which is to kill everything. The Krauts wanna use them in their bid to thwart Allied bombers that’ve turned the German war effort into Swiss cheese.

Reign of the Gargoyles

One particular bombing run is interrupted by a swarm of such gargoyles, led by Volthorn, the Horn King. (GREAT name). He’s a bigger gargoyle made out of rock, whereas his winged minions are still spongy flesh and blood.  They bring down the planes, ripping through the wings to get at the mechanical stuffings inside.

Reign of the Gargoyles

Reign of the Gargoyles (2007) had me with the war angle, but lost it with Volthorn’s pixelated pants. Because we’re Americans, bombs aren’t the only thing that drop from the sky. C’mon, you knew how it was gonna end, so don’t give me that e-scowl.

Reign of the Gargoyles

A Locker Full Of Ghosts

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 17, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Locker

A ghost chick lives in a Shibuya bus station locker. Rent is only 25 cents. As the legend goes, if you put a coin in the locker – possibly a quarter – your romantic wishes will come true.

The Locker

It doesn’t work because the locker is cursed. (There was a dead baby found in it, which explains the ghostly crying, ghostly hand prints and the ghostly Ringu-type lady who wants to eat your soul for brunch.)

The Locker

 

Six clearly bored teens try their luck with the locker in hopes that it’ll grant them feeling-up privileges. All but one don’t make it to Locker 3. (This movie is 1 and 2 together, which could be considered a bonus. Not so much as it means a boring ghost story is just that much longer.)

The Locker

The Locker (2004) – dumb premise, no gore to speak of, lukewarm ghostly sequences and a few hot teen Asian chicks. Back to the bus station.

Bigfoot Costumes And Free Zombies

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Science Fiction, Slashers, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 16, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

 

Love In The Time Of Monsters

Love In The Time of Monsters. Upcoming 2015 indie horror film or accurate term describing last call at The Poggie Tavern? Probably both.

In LITTOM (fingers too tired from gripping beer cans to type out the whole title), “two sisters travel to a cheesy tourist trap where they battle toxic monsters dressed in Bigfoot costumes in order to save the ones they love.”

I want a Bigfoot costume.

Love In The Time Of Monsters

Dead Rising: Watchtower, arriving March 27, 2015 has one of those titles that just screams “yawn.” Dead Rising? Really? Man, I can fart better sounding titles.

Sigh. Anyway, here’s the plot: “Watchtower takes place during a large-scale zombie outbreak. When a mandatory government vaccine fails to stop the infection from spreading, the four leads must evade infection while also pursuing the root of the epidemic, with all signs pointing to a government conspiracy. Politics, public paranoia, and media coverage play an important role in the story’s narrative.”

Dead Rising: Watchtower

In other words, seen it all before. And this is why zombie movies of late suck/keep sucking/continue to suck. Here’s a better title: Yawn Rising. (Watch – this thing’ll probably be a smash hit and make me eat my words like a mouthful of beer cans.)

P.S. Dead Rising: Watchtower is a Crackle Original™ (owned by Sony™), which means while it’ll be free, there will be a commercial every 2.6 minutes throughout the entire thing. If you think I’m kidding, go ahead and try watching ANYTHING on Crackle™ – it’ll make you wanna smash your face area with a TV/smart phone/tablet device.

Hindi Horror

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , on February 13, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Agyaat: The Unknown

Agyaat: The Unknown (2009). Should be called Agyaat: The Unendurable. An India-made “horror” movie with choreographed dance sequences and sing-alongs. Kill me now.

Agyaat: The Unknown

A film crew goes into a lush Sri Lanka forest to film people dancing and singing. (Oh, Sasquatch – why have you forsaken us?) While a camera is being repaired (it broke itself because it couldn’t put up with what it was being asked to do), the cast wanders off into the woods. It’s here (or there) they encounter an unseen something that threatens to rip up their mall-purchased clothes and product-styled hair.

Agyaat: The Unknown

Though you never get to see what it is that’s after them, you can make an educated guess: it’s a film critic, ready to tear them a new gadhē. Oh wait, it was me all along. Cool!

Alienated By Extraterrestrials

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, UFOs, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 12, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

 

Extraterrestrial

Blogged barfed about Extraterrestrial (2015) on September 19, 2015, e-gushing about how it was scheduled for release on October 17, 2014 on VOD and limited theater showing blah, blah, blah.

If you’re like me and blinked on October 17, 2014 or didn’t happen to venture into a limited theater showing, you/me/I/us missed Extraterrestrial, thereby ruining our lives in the process. I blame Republicans, the weather and spam e-mail.

But wait, we can redeem ourselves – Extraterrestrial is being released on DVD/Blu-ray on May 12, 2015. Judging by the cover, the aliens have abducted Freddy Krueger’s knife glove.

And while the plot has been regurgitated all over the Internet (aliens, UFOs, explosions, explosive probing), it’s the cast which has my attention. Co-starring is genre icon Michael Ironside (star of one million horror/sci-fi movies) and Emily Perkins, the younger Fitzgerald sister of the way cool Ginger Snaps werewolf trilogy. Gotta love a girl who can take on werewolves and aliens.

Emily Perkins

Extraterrestrial Feminine Hygiene

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on February 10, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Alien Tampon

It makes you wonder what going through the minds of the filmmakers behind the upcoming Alien Tampon (2015) when they decided that was an awesome movie title. Where they sitting around drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon tall boys and watching discount porn? Were the trying to out gross Terror at Bloodfart Lake (2009)? Or are the filmmakers using the tampon as a new spin on extraterrestrial probe jobs?

Alien Tampon

At any rate Alien Tampon is one of those movies you won’t be able to help but watch, just to see how far they push the concept. No plot yet, but doubt they need one. Ick factor (for non-fetish guys, anyway) likely running high, which can be somewhat excused as it’s a “horror, science-fiction, comedy, action” film.

P.S. There’s a sequel to Terror at Bloodfart Lake titled predictably enough, Return to Bloodfart Lake (2012). Sounds like the time I spent at summer camp as a kid who discovered “accidental” bodily noises to be absolutely hysterical. Some things never change.

Rockabilly Vampire

Posted in Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , on February 8, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Rockabilly Vampire

Iris is a not half-bad looking skirt and one of those Elvis Presley fan freaks. Her job sucks. Her love life sucks. Her new boyfriend Eddie is a vampire, so he sucks (heh).

Rockabilly Vampire

Eddie looks in the zip code similar to Elvis, which doesn’t suck for starry-eyed Iris. Eddie was turned into a vampire by his brother who sucked his neck back in the ’50s. That sucks.

Rockabilly Vampire

The entire Rockabilly Vampire (1997) “movie” was done with a hand-held camera and the plot, though intended to be a “horror spoof,” is so lame as to… What’s the word I’m looking for to describe this thing?