Horror Hay

Dark Harvest 3: Scarecrows

The big question isn’t why the DYI Dark Harvest 3: Scarecrows (2004) rips off every horror movie cliché known to man, but why I actually took the time away from drinking to watch it.

Dark Harvest 3: Scarecrows

You know the drill: someone gets murdered to death, then comes back to life as a scarecrow seeking revenge on the descendants of those that performed said injustice all those messy years ago. The only sex scene is so boring, I could’ve done it.

Dark Harvest 3: Scarecrows

When the scarecrow makes off with a chick, he stitches her mouth shut, cuts her open and slowly pulls out her guts, during which she’s still alive and moaning and rolling her head around. So much for loss of blood, shock, cardiac arrest, trauma, non-sterile environment, etc. And if you didn’t see it coming, he stuffs her with some sort of straw-like material, possible hay. But not Hollywood hay, the cheap, low-grade grassy stuff.

Dark Harvest 3: Scarecrows

Everyone either overacts their part or botches their lines. And even though it’s been hanging out in a field for decades, the scarecrow’s fabric headwear is so clean as to smell like Bounce™. They need to quit making movies like this – and I need to quit watching ’em.

4 Responses to “Horror Hay”

  1. “They need to quit making movies like this – and I need to quit watching ’em.”

    But then, what would you write about?

    I understand (and sympathize with) what you’re saying. Searching for a good scary movie is kind of like separating the fly-specks from the pepper. Or as they say in Pike Place, sorting the rat turds out of the dark roast.
    Maybe a little multitasking is in order. If you don’t see any recognizable names on the DVD cover, that might be the time to combine watching and drinking.

    • I can’t help it – I’m spiritually drawn to crap horror/sci-fi. It’s like Iron-Man said, “It’s a terrible privilege.”

      • I even tried to find a 12 step program to help me recover from my addiction to cheesy horror movies. Did pretty well for a time. Then I just “accidentally” put a copy of “Harpoon” AKA “Reykjavik Whale Watching Massacre” in the DVD, and
        Bam! Back to the old ways.

        On the bright side, I have managed to avoid being exposed to the latest from Tim Burton . . .

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