A Killer of Sharks

Shark Killer

It makes sense that if you have movies about killer sharks, then you should have one about a shark killer. And why waste valuable brain cells coming up with a marketable title? Just call it Shark Killer.

And that’s what someone did. Shark Killer (2015) is about a wisecracking hunk (who looks like Chris Pratt’s steroid clone and is shamelessly patterned after the Guardian of the Galaxy hero) hired by criminals to retrieve a crab-sized diamond that was eaten by a great white shark. Here’s how THEY describe it…

“The services of shark killer Chase Walker have been engaged by his brother, Jake, the head of a South African crime ring. The gig – kill the black-finned shark that swallowed a valuable diamond during a gang transaction.”

“Enlisted to keep an eye on Chase is Jake’s girlfriend, Jasmine. But Chase and Jasmine’s relationship deepens with the threats from a rival crime boss: Bring the diamond to him or die. Now, it’s crime boss against crime boss, brother against brother, and man against nature as Chase strives to rescue Jasmine, save his own life, and seize the greatest catch of his career.”

First thought – way too much plot getting in the way of the shark eating somebody for my personal entertainment. Secondly, the trailer shows the shark, indistinguishable from every other great white shark in the ocean, as being quickly zeroed in on and swimming faster than a dolphin-flavored porpoise.

Shark Killer

I like shark movies for the same reason I like movies about Bigfoot, mostly because they’re totally real. But if the attention of the action is focused on the shark killer and not the shark, then I have to cry red herring. I hope the filmmakers will read this and sea (heh) that they’re wrong, then delete the entire movie and start all over again using me as the action hero. It’s the right thing to do.

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