Vampire’s Assistant

Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant

Darren and Steve, two high school bestest buddies, check out a freak circus in town and accidentally break a truce between two warring factions of vampires: those who kill their victims and those who just suck on ’em. This results in one of the boys being converted into vampire in order to save him from the Vampaneze. (While I thought that was a cross between a vampire and a chimpanzee, turns out I was incorrect.)

Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant

Steve, jealous as all get out that Darren got to become a vampire and he didn’t, was taken under the wing of the Vampaneze and thus has an excuse to be pissed off ALL the time. You already know where this is going.

Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant

The freak circus people are neat: Snake Boy, who just wants to be a rock star, Gertha Teeth, a woman with beaver teeth the size of pocketbooks, and Alexander Ribs, who has none). But it’s the head vampire Larten Crepsley (John C. Reilly) who scores as Darren’s mentor. And hey, he’s going out with Madam Truska (Salma Hayek), a stunningly gorgeous woman who can grow facial hair at will. I may be showing my freak side here, but I think that’s kinda sexy.

Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant

Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant (2009) has several sub-plots, one of which has Darren falling for a teen freak chick with a monkey tail. I’m sure there’s a joke in there somewhere. In all, family horror with a lot of mediocre special effects, a “so-so” storyline, and Salma Hayek, who, even with a beard, is still hotter than 78% of the women on this planet.

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