Archive for October, 2014

Vampires, Demons, Ghosts, Ice Cream

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 17, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Club Dead

If you’re like me, you need a constant fix of horror movies just to be able to function in a civilized society. And while I’ve seen thousands of horror/sci-fi flicks, 90% of which are porcelain fillers, there’s always the giddy anticipation there’ll be a golden nugget within a steaming brown pile of you know what. (If you have to ask…)

Here’s four impending horror movies that may or may not have you jiggling the handle…

Club Dead
Release date: Dunno. But them who really does?
Plot: A group of friends are obsessed with Hollywood’s hottest night spot, Club Dead. The hot music, ravishing people and open bar lead the gang to believe this will be the best night of their lives. But it doesn’t take long until they discover that Club Dead is run by vampires – and those that get in come out “undead.”

VampsInitial thought: Seems weak and a dumb excuse to play brain dead electronic music, which is an oxymoron, by the way. Reminds me of 1986’s Vamp, in which two frat dudes go to a strip club to hire a dancer for a party. The strippers are vampires. Didn’t see that coming.  (There was a 2012 vampire comedy called Vamps. The poster for that looks a lot like the poster for Club Dead. Just sayin’.)

The Atticus Institute

The Atticus Institute
Release date: Should’ve been out by now. I have no idea where it stands as Hollywood never returns my calls. Hollywood can be such a butt.
Plot: In the fall of 1976, a small psychology lab in Pennsylvania became the unwitting home to the only government-confirmed case of possession. The U.S. military assumed control of the lab under orders of national security and implemented measures aimed at weaponizing the entity. The details of the inexplicable events that occurred are being made public after remaining classified for nearly forty years.
Initial thought: Sound promising on a “man, I can’t wait for another non-alcoholic beer” level. Reminds me of Stormhouse (2012), wherein the government manages to capture a supernatural entity and stores it in an underground base. It doesn’t have a freshness-expired date. The movie does, though.

Ice Cream Man 2: Sundae Bloody Sundae

Ice Cream Man 2: Sundae Bloody Sundae
Release date: As soon as they raise enough money on Kickstarter™ to fund its completion.
Plot: It’s been twenty years since Ice Cream Man (1995) – a spectacle of gore, blood, and mayhem – exploded onto the big screen, boasting some of the most creative uses of severed heads ever seen on screen. This time around it’s a tale of revenge, chock-full of murderous intent, laced with dripping entrails, and served up ice cold. The Rocketeers – Johnny, Heather, Tuna, and Small Paul – are all grown up now, and Ice Cream Man wants them to suffer. Really suffer. Torture and violence are on the menu, and it’s going to be sweet.
Initial thought: Ice Cream Man was two scoops of crap, but had its moments. Never really bought into Clint Howard as Gregory, the maniacal killer, because they didn’t do anything to make him look that frightening. In fact, they just let him use his own face and haircut. It’s like they didn’t even try, man.

The Woman in Black: Angel of Death

Woman In Black: Angel of Death
Release date: January 30, 2015
Plot: As bombs rain down on London during the Blitz of World War II, a group of school children are evacuated with Eve, their schoolteacher, to the safety of the English countryside. Taken to an old and empty estate, cut-off by a causeway from the mainland, they are left at Eel Marsh House. One by one the children begin acting strangely and Eve, with the help of local military commander Harry, discovers that the group has awoken a dark force even more terrifying and evil than the city’s air raids. Eve must now confront her own demons to save the children and survive the Woman in Black.
Initial thought: The period piece haunter The Woman in Black (2012) was a nice surprise (see “golden nugget”) with some pretty cool jump moments and a wicked looking ghost. Looking forward to scare crapping my pants again. OK, that didn’t come out right. I’m just gonna turn around and quietly walk away now.

Dinosaurs – Past and Present

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Fantasy, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 16, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Jurassic World

Jurassic World, the upcoming sequel is the ground-breaking Jurassic Park (1993), The Lost World: Jurassic Park (1997) and Jurassic Park III (2001), wherein prehistoric dinosaurs were regrown in a lab and let loose on a modern world. How did the scientists do this? I’m thinking some sort of magic. Regardless, manipulating the gooey dino DNA resulted in rather thrilling and surprisingly realistic sci-fi action.

The Lost World

Jurassic World, releasing June 2015 in one billion theatres, has some long lineage dating back to 1925 with The Lost World, the first dinosaur movie. I remember that year during regressive hypnotism. Sported short hair back then, which was the style of the times. I now have long hair because I don’t give a crap about the style of the times.

Fay Wray

But I do give a crap about dinosaur movies. (OK, that sounded a weird.) Are not rampaging dinosaurs the forefathers of guys like Godzilla, Gorgo and Reptilicus? If you watch The Lost World you can all but see a road map running through history that leads straight to contemporary mega box office monsters, most notably King Kong in 1933, which also gave birth to the first scream queen: Fay Wray. She was kinda hot. Wonder if she ever monkey’d around? Heh.

The Lost World

Before you go looking for The Lost World (hey, that’s kinda funny), you should know that this is a silent film. That means no audible screaming/cussing/crying/more cussing. Also, you’ll have to use your imagineering to make up dino roars. Think blowing into a tuba that’s filled with Drano™.

The Lost World

So Paula White, the daughter of missing famed explorer Maple White (named after syrup, one might surmise), brings dad’s journal to Professor Challenger (sounds like one of the X-Men) with proof that dinosaurs still exist – in Venezuela, of all places. A big time-y newspaper finances a “put it on the glass” expedition because hey, dinosaurs sell papers.

The Lost World

When the search party arrives, they encounter Bigfoot, heretofore referred to as “Ape-Man.” (Not very catchy. Grunt Grunt would be more suitable, I should think.) Grunt Grunt no like humans. Can’t say I blame him. But the explorers have bigger problems; they’re surrounded by battling beasts – an Allosaurus b*tch slaps an Edmontosaurus. A Tyrannosaurus delivers a slobber knocker to an Agathaumas, including a Pteranodon who should have kept his beak out of T-Rex’s Kool-Aid™.

The Lost World

Among the warring monsters, they find the leftovers of Maple. He was flattened like a pancake. (Heh.) No time to grieve – that volcano is belching up lava like last night’s Burrito El Grande Supreme. Before everyone can bail, they trap and capture an Apatosaurus and manage to get it in onboard their homeward bound (London) steamship. Turning fish into chips, all is well until they go to unload the boat and the darn dino escapes.

The Lost World

Romping and stomping across London Bridge, the beast’s El Grande Supreme weight causes the structure to go boom, thereby dumping Apatosaurus into whatever waterway runs underneath the bridge. Professor Challenger is sad. The monster swims away. FYI: There’s a highly unnecessary love triangle that ends in a big fat fail for one jilted Joe. The end.

So yeah, dinosaurs, past and present. I’m all in because hey, I give a crap.

Haunted 18 Million Times

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 15, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Sanatorium

Sometimes you just have to audibly gasp at the blatant plagiarism of a few/some/a lot of horror movie filmmakers. Take Sanatorium, available December 23, 2014 on DVD (who even buys those anymore?) and other formats reverse-engineered from UFOs. The plot involves a team of TV ghost hunters who spend the night in an abandoned and haunted sanatorium with the hope of capturing paranormal activity. Instead, as the press release warns, “they unleash a horrifying force of evil hell-bent on their destruction.”

Sound familiar? It should as the paranormal investigators/haunted so-and-so formula has been used 18 million times before. Which makes it even more laughable to see Sanatorium being marketed as an “After Dark Original” – there’s nothing original about it.

While I don’t have room to list all 18 million, here area dozen embarrassingly similar movies with actual plot descriptions from IMDB.com so you know I didn’t make up this stuff:

Grave Encounters / Grave Encounters 2

Grave Encounters / 2011
For their ghost hunting reality show, a production crew lock themselves inside an abandoned mental hospital that’s supposedly haunted – and it might prove to be all too true.

Grave Encounters II / 2012
A film student who is obsessed with the movie Grave Encounters sets out with his friends to visit the abandoned psychiatric hospital depicted in the original film.

Greystone Park / Hollows Grove

Greystone Park / 2012
In October 2009, the filmmakers went into an abandoned psychiatric hospital to explore the “haunted” institution, famous for its radical treatment of patients with mental illness. Once inside the filmmakers quickly discovered that they were not alone.

Hollows Grove / 2014
A young filmmaker is shooting a behind-the-scenes documentary about his friends and their ghost hunting reality show. They set out to film Hollows Grove, an old abandoned and haunted orphanage. What they thought would be a routine investigation is turning in to a nightmare from which they can’t escape.

7 Nights of Darkness / The Paranormal Incident

7 Nights of Darkness / 2011
In 2008 six reality television show contestants spent seven nights in an abandoned and haunted asylum. The prize for staying all seven nights was a share of one million dollars that was to be split amongst any contestants who didn’t leave. No prize money was ever awarded.

Paranormal Incident / 2011
Six college students armed with cameras and recording equipment venture into the infamous Odenbrook Sanitarium to prove the existence of the paranormal. Days later, when five of the six friends turn up missing, the lone survivor must go through the recovered footage in order to clear his name and find out what happened to his friends.

Episode 50 / House of Bones

Episode 50 / 2011
A group of TV paranormal investigators are sent to explain a supposedly haunted insane asylum. The crew gets more than they bargained for when they actually make contact with a spirit of tremendous power and must band together to stop it before it destroys them all.

House of Bones / 2010
TV ghost hunters that enter a reportedly haunted house that may prove to be the death of them.

Reel Evil / Haunted

Reel Evil / 2012
Two filmmakers are hired to shoot a ‘behind-the-scenes’ documentary for a major studio production. But their dream job quickly turns into a nightmare when they explore a legendary haunted hospital. Trapped inside, the crew is tormented by the evil, unspeakable fear.

Haunted / 2013
A TV crew films a paranormal investigation to obtain evidence that proves we are not alone. Something evil awaits them.

El Sanatorio / The Crying Dead

El Sanatorio / 2010
A group of friends decide to make a documentary about the ghosts that are supposed to be haunting The Sanatorium in Costa Rica.

The Crying Dead / 2011
In 2008 a cast and crew set out to shoot a pilot for a paranormal reality show. During the first night in a haunted psychiatric hospital vague apparitions became violent hauntings. This is a diary of the final tortured moments of real people in an unthinkable situation.

Two Werewolves = Twice The Fun

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens, Slashers, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 14, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Blood Moon

Blood Moon, an upcoming werewolf movie, is described as a mash-up of comedy, horror and the western. Sounds cool – just as long as they don’t make the werewolves wear spurs that jingle jangle jingle.

Like all westerns, Blood Moon (no official release date set as of this e-scribble; be sure and check your sun dial) takes place in 1887 in Colorado. “A passenger-heavy stagecoach and an gunslinger are held hostage by two outlaws on the out with the law. Events take an unexpected turn when the travelers are stalked by a mythical beast that only appears on the night of a blood red moon.” I bet it’s a werewolf.

P.S. Do not confuse this Blood Moon with Bloodmoon from 1990, in which a serial killer, loose at an all girl school, strangles them with barbed wire. What a dick.

Bloodmoon

And since the only thing better than a werewolf movie is another werewolf movie, comes Wolves, releasing on October 16, 2014 on VOD and limited theater release in November 2014.

Wolves

Wolves sounds like somebody’s been watching Twilight (2008): “Cayden Richards, 18, has it all: captain of the high school football team; straight-A student; gorgeous girlfriend. But when he wakes one dark night to find his parents brutally murdered he is horrified to realize that he is turning into an animal: a wild, savage wolf.”

“Panicked, Cayden runs, determined to find out what is happening to him. His quest leads him to the strange, isolated town of Lupine Ridge, where two clans of wolves are on the brink of war. When Cayden falls for Angelina, the beautiful, young mate promised to another wolf, a battle to the death is inevitable.”

Two things: Cayden is a really dumb name for a werewolf. Secondly, when in fur form, he looks a lot like me after being denied last call…

Wolves

Irradiated Sci-Fi

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 13, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Cyclops

Fifties sci-fi remains some of the coolest, cheesiest, wildest and excitingest movies ever made. Besides uninvited UFOs and alien b-holes showing up like holiday relatives, a large portion of ’em have to do with the effects of radiation-gone-wild on everything from ants (Them!/ 1954) and spiders (Tarantula/1955), to octopuses (It Came From Beneath The Sea/1955) and lizards (Giant Gila Monster/1959) – and all creatures in-between – including rats, bunnies, grasshoppers, salad tomatoes and people. Heck, just watching these movies gives you radiation poisoning. (OK, not really. But my glowing epidermis sure feels like it sometimes.)

'50s Sci Fi

I love the “mutated creature” stuff – quite a bit, as it turns out. But where radiation really earns its keep is when it turns humans into death metal monsters. Take for instance The Cyclops (1957), The Amazing Colossal Man (1957) and War of the Colossal Beast (1958), all created by B-movie legend Bert I. Gordon.

'50s Sci-Fi

The monster is essentially the same in all three, with the actor Duncan Parkin playing the pitiful reconfigured giant – in two of the three with a mangled face and one presumably good eye. (Maybe the “I” in Bert I. Gordon is a subtle reference. Heh.) Duncan, by the way, is credited as a stagehand in The Beginning of the End (1957), that infamously bad giant grasshopper movie. Maybe he got a dose working on that one.

'50s Sci-Fi

Amid all of them, The Cyclops, with its lava-lamp faced monster and shredded pants (apparently radiation mutates clothes as well), is one of those mega-cheesy guilty pleasures – and the first giant human monster movie. No, Gulliver’s Travels in 1939 doesn’t factor in because his size was regular – the people who f’d with his mind were super small. (Note: There may have been a giant human monster movie before The Cyclops, but I’m too busy combing my hair to do research. Note: v.2: 1952’s Jack and Beanstalk had a giant, but that one was not a monster movie – it was a comedy starring Abbott & Costello, the Laurel & Hardy of their day.)

The Cyclops

A test pilot goes missing. Probably fell down a hole. So they go looking for him in one of Mexico’s deep, hole-filled jungles. Arriving via a small plane that looks about as sturdy as a two-seater kite, they encounter giant birds, lizards, bugs and a 50-foot giant human with a face distorted by radiation, of which there is plentiful in Mexico. This is why to this day people traveling there are warned not to drink the water, what with its f’d up face melting properties and such.

The Cyclops

And what a mutated giant hey is – one eye is completely melted over with dripping skin gelled into place like a flesh curtain. The other eye, bulging to the point of popping, looks like it was too big to begin. Go big or go home, I say. And the all-angle teeth? Probably got that way chewing on small airplanes.

The Cyclops

Of course, the search party has to bring along the missing pilot’s girlfriend so that the monster has something to distract him from the giant snake wrapping around his food chute, ala King Kong (1933). Even with only one kinda sorta maybe good eye left, he seems to recognize her. Get where this is going?

The Cyclops

The craptacular special effects were slightly refined for Duncan’s next two roles as a homeless giant everyone wants to kill because he can get Frisbees™ off the roof without a ladder. Regardless, in order to fully understand yourself, take a look at these sci-fi classics and see if you can’t discover a part of you in them.

OK, that just sounded plain dumbass. Must be the radiation kicking in.

Colorful Black and White Zombies

Posted in Classic Horror, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 12, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Aaah! Zombies!!

A military-made batch of experiment goo designed to make a super soldier ends up in some ice cream goo being served at a bowling alley. Once mixed with beer (it’s plausible – go with it), those who ingest the contaminated ice cream beer cones are turned into fully functional zombies with improved strength, glassy white eyes and severed body parts that continue to fully function.

Aaah! Zombies!!

Two hot chicks and their boyfriends become zombified. A military guy  shows up to explain their situation and is a zombie himself. Problem is, they don’t see themselves as the undead – but everybody else does. This makes them think everyone else is infected and not them. That’s bowling alley logic for you.

Aaah! Zombies!!

In their perspective everything’s in color, from glistening red cat blood all over one girl’s blouse), to the black shotgun hole in her boyfriend’s chest. To those not infected, everything’s in black and white and the kids are shambling zombies coming to eat skin hors d’oeuvres. And that’s just one of 27 clever and funny things about Aaah! Zombies!! (2007)

Aaah! Zombies!!

While the punchline sight gags keep the blood flowing, it’s the zombie bowling team that’ll split your gut. That, and the talking undead head in a bowling bag. Nice to finally see a zombie movie from the undead’s point of view, even if they put brains in a blender and drink it like a meal replacement shake.

Aaah! Zombies!!

Sharks, UFOs, Butchers, Ghosts

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 10, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Raiders of the Lost Shark

Presented for your consideration are four new horror/sci-fi movie posters indicating the imminent arrival of four new horror/sci-fi movies. I like it when sentences come together like that.

These posters are important. The cooler the graphics, the likelier it is I’ll go see the movie. And by I’ll, I mean me.

Here we go: The first teaser poster for Raiders of the Lost Shark was so inept, it looked like an Art Institute™ final. Somebody got a clue and came up with something more VOD rental-inducing. Click here to see the super horrible icky crap first poster.

Hangar 10

Up next is Hangar 10, a new sci-fi offering that nicely nails the subject of UFOs and the threat of five-finger probing. Available November 7th, 2014, Hangar 10 goes like this: “33 years after the infamous Rendlesham Forest UFO incident, three metal detector enthusiasts hunting for Saxon gold in the same region capture incredible footage of UFOs whilst filming their expedition. As night falls the trio finds themselves facing a terrifying encounter with an unforgiving alien presence.” And by unforgiving, they probably mean five-finger probing.

Sendero

Sendero (aka, Path) is a Chilean horror movie with a meaty poster – literally. Looks like someone probed a meat-grinder. Here’s why: “Ana goes with some friends to a cabin located in a rural area of ​​Chile. After helping a badly injured woman on the road the group is kidnapped by a family who follows the orders of a power group in the region. To survive and escape they will have to resort to betrayal among themselves in an atmosphere of violence, abuse, and sadism.” Like I said, meaty.

Hollows Grove

Available October 21st, 2014, Hollows Grove looks to follow in the cookie cutter footsteps of the spate of recent paranomal/found footage film flicks. Behold: “A young filmmaker, Harold Maxwell, a young filmmaker, is shooting a behind-the-scenes documentary about his friends – the Spirit and Paranormal Investigation Team, (S.P.I.T) and their ghost hunting reality show. They set out to film Hollows Grove, an old, abandoned and supposedly haunted orphanage. Soon after arriving at the orphanage the team begins to realize that what they thought would be a routine investigation is turning in to a nightmare from which they can’t escape.”

Hollows Grove is making me crave cookies for some reason.

Mexican Octopus Man

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 9, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Octaman

I’ve been looking for years and finally found the Rent-A-Center™ Holy Grail of rubber suited monster movies: Octaman (1971). I’m gonna go ahead and give it four stars because hey, when you have a creature called Octaman, there’s simply no way it could suck. I found the movie poster as well. Looks like someone tinkled on it.

Octaman

There’s a lot of anti-healthy radiation in the waters around a Mexican fishing town causing those little detectors to make crazy clicking sounds. Think tap dancing crickets on Red Bull™. A science field trip, or “expedition”, heads south to find out what’s causing all that noise. (Crickets, probably.)

Octaman

What they find besides roadside margaritas is a small mutant octopus that can hang out on the beach as well as in it. Well hey, this needs to be studied. But that costs money. Where to get it? From a wallet fat circus owner who wants to financially exploit wet wiggler at his carnival. No wonder he owns a circus – that’s a really cool idea.

Octaman

Before you can say “10th Wonder of the World” the head science dude returns to camp to discover his entire crew of lab interns has been slaughtered into petri dish chunklets and that the cash creature is missing. I have so many theories about what may have happened, my head stings.

Octaman

Following a lead given by a young gossip-y villager, they find the octopus in a local lake, now grown to over seven feet tall with, as the poster says, amazing strength and a lust for killing. Sounds like me if I was soaked in radiation water and had nothing to eat but cricket tacos.

Octaman

Octaman is eventually cornered in a ring of fire and, after a blanket-clenching stand-off, looks as though his killing lust days are over. Not so fast, land walker – Octaman lives to wiggle his arms menacingly in your general direction another day, and goes abut re-killing people. What happens next? Let’s just say there are guns involved, followed by a calamari feast of community-feeding proportions.

Of all the world’s travesties, I’ll never understand why there wasn’t a sequel.

Space Dracula

Posted in Evil, Science Fiction, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 8, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dracula 3000: Infinite Darkness

When you run out of things to for horror icons to do and still want to keep the rent checks coming in, send ’em into space. That said, it’s about time they did something different with Dracula; this time they plunged him into deep space. Good – his dusty schtick was getting a bit long in the tooth. Heh.

Dracula 3000: Infinite Darkness

Instead setting him up with sleek astronaut pants (with optional Van Allen radiation belt –heh), they have Dracula decked out in his dusty old 18th Century clothes. And everything that follows circles Uranus from there.

Dracula 3000: Infinite Darkness

Investigating a derelict space ship, Casper Van Dien as Commander Van Helsing (gimme a break) boards the empty craft, but discovers a bunch of wooden coffins. According to the ship’s log, the coffins were picked up on Transylvania Planet in the Carpathian System (good grief). Dracula is in one of the easily-opened boxes, breaks out and bites 187 (Coolio). The scene-chewing rap star turns into a vampire and hams it up good. When in Rome.

Dracula 3000: Infinite Darkness

Dracula 3000: Infinite Darkness (2004) belongs in a black hole. Sorry, that’s all the space references I could think of. I blame it on gravity, always holding me back ’n stuff.

You Just Ate Your Date

Posted in Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 7, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Skinned Alive

Jeffrey is a painfully lonely young man who works as an insurance salesman schlub by day and a purchaser of professional women’s services by night. He wants female company so bad, he even asks heavily perfumed night workers out on dates. A big hell no. It appears even hookers have standards.

Skinned Alive

This until he meets Pandora, a woman who turns out to be everything he ever wanted – and a little more. She’s a cannibal, only able to eat flesh instead of bologna sandwiches or Applebee’s™ chili fries. Cheap date, so score for Jeff.

Skinned Alive

Pandora eats her clients, whom nobody seems to miss. (When you see ’em, you’ll understand why.) But Pandora starts falling for Jeffrey and they begin dating. Normally on the third date the girl lets the guy feel her up. But it isn’t until after he proposes marriage (jumping the gun – he doesn’t even know her last name) does she confesses her “nature.” “Are you Jewish?” “No – I’m an abomination of God,” she replies. “So you’re a Mormon…” That’s pretty dang funny.

Skinned Alive

No sex, though lots of boobies. Realistic epidermis munching helps flesh out (sorry) the plot, and though the premise is lurid, at its heart Skinned Alive (2008) is a feel good love story to be shared by all.