Bigfoot? What a Load of Hogwash!

The Legend of Bigfoot (1976) is less a Bigfoot faux documentary and more of a nature film as animatedly narrated by renowned animal tracker Ivan Marx, who was hired to track down my BFF (Big Footed Friend) and kill him within an inch of his life.

There are so many unintentionally hilarious comments made by Ivan, who tracks the migratory (!)  Bigfoot from Montana all the way to the Arctic Circle, this could qualify as a comedy. When Ivan finally catches up to Bigfoot, the “monster” is shown run limping, due to polio, as he surmises. Flippin’ knee slapping, that one. And his ongoing commentary is full of bellyaching about money and how before he sees the monster with his own eyeballs, regards Bigfoot as a “bunch of hogwash.” How dare he?

But the pay-off is when Ivan deduces Bigfoot and friends (Bigfeet Dynasty) migrate north every year to the Arctic Circle, and now knowing this, can stay one big footed step ahead and theoretically catch one.

Simple math will tell you Ivan has been smoking too many pine cones; for a Bigfoot – whether with travel companions or not – to walk to the top of the world, where I’m sure there are plentiful chilled penguins to eat – because, god forbid, one gets tired of eating healthy and delicious eating range-free nuts and berries, deer bacon and bear blubber in the warm sunshine of Montana – there’s 1,381 miles of blurry photo ops in-between.

Here’s the equation: walking normally at 1.4 m.p.h. non-stop for eight hours a day, it’d take you the better part if a year just to get there, slightly less if you wear a size 23 shoe. Once at the A.C., snack on a few penguins, get in a little skiing, talk smack to some uppity polar bears, wipe your ice hole, then take almost another year to get back to town. Annual trek? Not so much.

So yeah, Ivan – you need to tweak your theory. Other than that, The Legend of Bigfoot, with the intrepid hunter zooming around in a red Volkswagon (not making that up), is merely a nature film with bone-headed narration and some blurry footage of Bigfoot, who only shows up three times. Maybe he was at home planning his next winter vacation.

P.S. Do not embarass yourself by confusing The Legend of Bigfoot with Sasquatch, the Legend of Bigfoot (1975), which came out the year before. To do so would make people not unlike myself publicly shun you.