Heaven and Hell Street Fight

Gabriel

God sends his bestest warriors to Purgatory, a sort of lobby between Heaven and Hell, to purge the place of the Fallen, Hell’s bestest warriors, who’ve taken over operations. (Say what you will about those a-holes, but they do good work.) Purgatory, filled with souls that need rescuing, looks a lot like L.A., but in perpetual darkness, grittier, grimier, slimier, and crimier. But less smog.

Gabriel

All out of Arc Angels, God (whom you don’t get to see, probably because He’s invisible in real life), sends Gabriel to finish the job the previous six AA’s failed to do. They also failed to come back. Each side has seven angels, because the deal is there’s supposed to be balance. It’s hardly equal – Hell is beating the hell out of Heaven.

Gabriel arrives via a swirly tunnel that looks cool if you were drunk and sliding through it. If you’re sober, you’ll probably end up puking. All over puking, not just a cheek full.

Gabriel

Gabe finds all the angels, all of whom are drunks, druggies, hookers and soup kitchen assistant managers. Guess the Good Book wasn’t good enough. Gabe has to re-recruit the angels so they can gang up on Sammael, the head of the Fallen and the one who caused all the nice angels to de-wing.

Gabriel

A few heavenly moments, some interesting positioning (Asmodeus, Sammael’s crazy evil head of security, racks up a lot of points for killing everything), and low-rent special effects. (OK, I get that bright lights means God’s working His magic skills. But every time?)

All this blah-blah leads up to the final confrontation between Gabriel and Sammael. If you know your Bible’s back pages (where the really good stuff goes down), you’ll have already figured out who Sammael is. And no, he isn’t red and doesn’t make fire shoot out of your b-hole.

Gabriel

Slick and stylish, Gabriel (2007) could’ve used a better title, like God Hates Me, I Just Know It. There also needed to be fewer characters with confusing religious names. (Amitiel, Amitiel, Molloch, Remiel…sounds like God’s Mouseketeers.)

Still, Gabriel is a noble effort, though they went through a helluva lot of trouble just to have a fist-fight on a roof top ending.

Gabriel

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